Dr.Suess/WebbMD:Guide to Hypochondriasis

Written in response to "The Writer's Cramp"  due 8/5/2013. Prompt: Write a silly poem or story. Make us laugh.. I had an assignment due tomorrow calling for a satirical piece, so I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone.

Drs. Suess and Webb M.D.’s Guide to Hypochondriasis (Pocket Edition) – Diagnose Your Fears, Sneers, and Queers with this Handy Guide

Did you have a sneeze? Did you buckle your knees? Did your nose have a sniffle, or your ear kind of tickle?

Perhaps you have spots or large bony knots. Or maybe a fetish for pink-polka-dot socks.

Well if you do, have no fear. The doctors are here! Dr. Seuss and Dr. Webb will help you diagnose every tear.

Your urine’s too yellow. Your feelings? Too mellow.

And now you’re hallucinating a fine dandy fellow.

You have racing thoughts. Your books have no plots!

And your bloodstream is flowing in multiple clots.

(The clots, we assumed, because your feet are balloons!

And your behind’s blown up more than a mating baboon’s!)

But enough of appearances, let’s get down to clearances

With a list of diseases of varying fiercenesses.

Mellownoma: When life’s got you down, all you do is frown. And you feel as though boredom will soon make you drown. Then Mellownoma is the disease for you.

Now let’s diagnose another one, or two.

Schizofriendia: In childhood, an imaginary friend is cute, but at some point they usually become quite moot. But you, and your friends, are a special case. You’ve got a list of imaginaries that goes on for days! And they like you! No they don’t. Well, sometimes they do. And a cure? Well, just try starting a zoo.

Ignoraphobia: The fear of being ignored. Of looking at others and seeing them bored, of your face, of your hair, of the clothes that you wear… What’s that now? You think that it’s you? What are you now, a Narcissist too?

P. regnancees: A fearsome parasite that can last more than eighteen years! With symptoms encompassing the worst of your fears: the bills, the mess, the drain on your life. It doesn’t really matter whether husband or wife.

Darwinitis: Oh my, this disease is surely the worst, and is likely to lead you straight to your hearse. Perhaps you’re just dumb, perhaps you’re just dull, but you will sink like a ship with icebergs in its hull. When evolution is so filled with fraught, room for stupid criminals, there simply is not.

Netflixetic Catatonia: When you’ve finally watched the last of your shows and chip dust covers all of your throws. The real world comes slamming back down on you and you quietly whisper “Now what do I do?” before blacking out at dawn’s first light, to receive a call from your boss, who’s itching for a fight. And all you can say is “But The Doctor is dead.” What you really need is a good whack in the head.

We hope you’ve enjoyed the pocket edition of what’s wrong with you. For a more complete list, buy edition number two. Its synopsis can be very simply read. For it says only:

It’s cancer.

You’re dead.

*****

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