Week 2 Review 1 - Anonymous

Dear Anonymous.

I have just read your short chapter and would like to offer you the following review.

The Big Picture:
I am something of a fantasy fan and, while my reading these days seems to be more inclined to vampires, I am also fascinated by stories concerning angels and/or gods. The premise of your story - angels needing to prove themselves and being somewhat controlled by others - therefore intrigued me. I would certainly be interested in reading further chapters.

Strengths and Suggestions:
I feel that some of the strengths in your writing also contain room for suggestion so I'm going to combine the two, which I hope will be more helpful to you as you begin to edit.

Writing Style
You write in a loose, colloquial style which I always find charming in first-person characters. It is made very clear that Arok is nervous and excited about what is happening. She (in fact, this is presumed based solely on the curtsy since the name isn't gender-distinguishable) is struggling to control herself from gawking around like the newbie you have said she is, trying to maintain some dignity while being overwhelmed by what she is seeing. These emotions are very clear and I can picture her hands trembling as she is walking, almost muttering to herself 'calm down, calm down, calm down'. The same came be said of her later when she has the envelope and has passed the first 'test'. The struggle not to leap in the air and whoop is easy to feel.

However, in some cases I feel that the looseness has bolted from your control, and you're stumbling over trying to get all your thoughts down as much as Arok is trying not to stumble herself. The first paragraph illustrates some of this. There are sentence fragments ('Which, did nothing for my nerves.'), long rambling sentences (such as the one start 'I was trying so hard...') and others that don't quite make sense ('It's safe to say, though, that it was a wonder I kept my pace steady.'). These will jolt a reader into pausing, often forcing them into re-reading until they 'get it'. That can be distracting and off-putting.

I think much of this chapter could be tightened into fewer sentences without losing your colloquial telling of the tale. For example, the first half of the top paragraph (From 'I focused...' to '...almost tangible waves.') could be transformed into a few short sentences that show Arok's walk up the aisle (spelling) and her fighting to remain calm and dignified, without the need for the writing to display the same stumbling, rambling emotions. I give the following suggestion just as an example of what I'm trying to say: 'The most important walk of my life and it was all I could do not to stumble or gawk at everything and everyone - the newbies behind me whose stares I could feel, the demigods in front of me whose beauty and power were almost overwhelming.'

The Envelope
You give only three short paragraphs to the envelope, which holds your character's future, and this works! I want to know what's in the envelope! Because you don't give much away beyond the wonderful 'It was just a normal envelope. And it held my entire future.' and then 'In that envelope, was my first assignment.' the reader is left begging to know what's actually inside, how it holds a future, and if it holds a future why is it just normal? This is a very nice piece of writing, and it's complemented by your final paragraph where the envelope seems to take on a life and is begging to be opened just as much as the reader is begging for the same. In fact, for more anticipation you could take out the little paragraph about the assignment. Really keep the reader on edge.


The Technical Side:
Even though our first attempt at typing up can be a bit erratic, there really is no reason for text speak to enter the fray, unless you're typing up a phone text. What I mean here is 'u' ('Usually u couldn't see the wings...') and even 'cud' ('...or with as much grace as I cud master...'). You may have intended to write 'you' and 'could' eventually but the reader doesn't know that and might just think you've been lazy. It's another way to jolt the reader into stopping their flow.

Besides the text speak, grammar, punctuation and spelling are items you need to look at here. All of these things, including using incorrect words (ie 'ringed' instead of 'rang'), do halt the reader's flow. If they're consistent the reader will simply stop. I'll give a couple of examples here - things picked up because they bug me personally. Firstly, presuming that 'lady' is part of Noella's title, the word should be capitalised: Lady Noella. And anything that belongs to this woman needs the apostrophe -' Lady Noella's hands', 'Lady Noella's clear voice'. It may seem a very small thing to pick on but mis-used or absent apostrophes can create utter havoc! Capitalisation in general is important. A lot of your sentences missed that out and so I had to keep re-reading just in case I'd mistaken the . for a , (no, I hadn't).

Aside from the usual 'technical' problems (which most authors do have), I felt some confusion with the dominions and principals. They just appear in your chapter and there's not a lot of explaining. Who are they? Where do they come from? Should they have capital D and P (ie are they different kinds of 'people')? When you talk about Lady Noella you do allude to the fact the two groups don't get along but it is kind of rambling. For example, who exactly feels the sore spot? I am presuming 'them' means the principals but it is not actually clear. I think this particular paragraph could be reworded into a little more background. Either that or remove it entirely so that it doesn't distract from your story. Perhaps right now the reader doesn't need to know there's angst between the demigods and the angels.


As mentioned up top, I like the premise of this story and the promise of what's in the envelope. I've no doubt that others will also be intrigued but I do think you need to tighten up how you tell Arok's tale to keep everyone's interest. Fascinating plots and characters can be undone by the technical bones of the story.

I wish you all the best and please do contact me if you have any queries about anything I have written.

Ranking: 1.5/2



Best wishes,
Osirantinous