Recreating Me

I am slowly becoming an adventurous soul.  Trying to recreate a little part of me.
I guess I started feeling as though my life was a drag, a little mundane.
No spontaneity, no thrills, not much to look forward to. (Except the warmth and joy of my family, which is my life!) 
I would get up in the morning, have coffee with the love of my life and best friend then off to work he would go and there I was...at home alone with the two best daughters in the world!  ( I am bias of course)
Don't get me wrong!  It is the perfect life!  One I never even dreamed for myself, but adore I do!
But there I was...it was the life I had asked my husband to help me create.  I wanted to stay at home with my 3-year-old and preemie newborn daughter.  It was stressful to say the least, but I made it through.  AAAAAAHHHHH!
I had days when I was not sure what day it was or how many times I had changed their clothes and mine.  When I had eaten last or when I used the bathroom last after changing countless diapers and making sure the oldest was even going to the toilet.
Everyone had their advice and stories to tell me about parenthood.  It seemed I did not believe them or I was not convinced.
Experience is definitely the best teacher!
You would think after one child, I would know a little more and not be shocked at random events such as nap time when one wants to play and the other cannot sleep and you cannot hold your eyes open unless you are weeping uncontrollably. 
Two becoming one on our wedding day, I could handle.  That seemed like a piece of heavenly triple chocolate cake with a double espresso!  But when one dear sweet child becomes two heavenly babies---one actually a baby and one a toddler, boy do things get tricky!!
In the best way possible!  I love both dearly and do not regret a thing!
Their smiles and unexpected sayings befuddle me daily and I admire their accomplishments and their individuality.
Now, I would never have known the day-to-day same old things would be so pleasurable just cause little beings smile back at you one time or because your toddler talks like a teenager with a vocabulary out of this world!  But these things happened on a day to day basis and I wanted to be there!  And I was!  Still am there!  Which brings me to why I am writing this...
As pleasing as all of this life is...I somehow needed more!  I was missing a very important part of the picture--me!
I now know many moms have felt this way and are feeling this way today.  It is hard to include yourself in your day.  I am talking about alone time for just you.  No interruptions.  No one following you to the bathroom.  Just a nap by yourself with no one laying on top of you drooling.
Mom time to be anything but a mom.  Knowing what you are, but leaving it for a few moments is bliss!
Just being able to read a small book or watch a television show with no one wanting your attention or needing anything.
After turning 30, I think I began to realize that I needed a hobby.  Being a mom is a necessary thing and a job that can be enjoyable, but it has to be supported by people, mainly family, and it has to be loved and nurtured like any person or relationship.
I saw everyone with jobs, including my husband, having free time to themselves and did not know where to start.  Even his ride back and forth to work alone made me jealous.  I felt as if I did not deserve this time alone to do as I wished.
I found out however, that it was all in my head!  I did deserve it!  I just was not sure how to take it!
I was too shy to ask for it.  Well, not anymore!
I had to do some research and I discovered that men and women are so different!  I know, it is a shocker, right!  But, truly, I did not realize that my husband thought I was fine and thought I that if I needed a break or breather, that I would kindly ask.  Wrong!
I had been so shy most of my life that I almost did not know how to take what was there as soon as my husband got home from work.
Instead I cried to him and tried to make him feel guilty for working so much.  That did not help either of us, believe me!
But it did help me to realize I was approaching life the wrong way!
I was very thankful for all my blessings...family, shelter and food.
These things were possible because of love and the profession my partner had been born to be so passionate about.
But I needed to have my time away to really appreciate it fully!  That did not fit into every day, however, it was so necessary and I was going to have to fight my desire to stay with my husband and daughters every second to keep my sanity.
That is just what I did!  Every day got better and better.  The more I talked and really communicated with my husband, I realized what a genuine person he really is and how all I need to do is ask for a walk alone or a short drive to the store alone so I can blast the radio or just feel the breeze on my face.  He was there, always willing.  He just did not know what I needed.  Why should he know?  He was doing his job--making money for his family.  He was not the mother--taking care of helpless babies all day long.
Boy, I can only imagine if I had more than two!  What a thought!  My heart and soul can only applaud those mothers of twins, triplets and so on.  What stamina!!  What hearts of gold!
Five years later after I came to the realization that I needed to take my time and reconnect with myself then my husband, I have found freedom!  It is not limitless, but it is still freedom.
Despite the fact that my mother having a life threatening illness in the past two years has tied me down a little bit, it has also given me courage and determination to take chances and adventures in my life that I never even thought of before.  Who knows if I will make it to 50 or 60 like she has!  Every day is a gift!
When my husband and I met, my mom thought that we were strange because of all the things we tried and different and unique places he took me.  We wanted to try it all because we were in love and young and new to freedom. 
I am now homeschooling my two bright and insightful daughters, 6 and 9 years.  I try to make sure they experience life to the fullest as well, within reason.  As a family, we are taking martial arts--which my mother thinks is only violence. (Could not be further from the truth!)  And on my days and/or afternoons off through the craziness of fixing my mother meals and keeping her company, I have found a peace within.  I take time with girl friends and take an hour to close my bedroom door at home with the kids learning to respect the closed door and knock if they need me just so I can read a book and have time.  Time that was already there but was not used correctly.  I have to know me and spend time with me before I can have patience to deal with anyone or anything else!
Adult--young wife--mother of 1--THEN 2 (makes all the difference)
Then experienced wife and mother--creates the new adult who takes time for herself.  The new me!  A re-creation!