I Never Tell

What’s going on
So many ask - so many - from whom I never excluded myself once
I don’t know - I’ll never tell

How you read me your precious stories late at night
How I like your voice, your smell
or maybe just your presence

How you tell me you get all warm and fuzzy when we cuddle
How I to you seem adorable - at times - I feel the same about you

How I fail to resist to gaze deep into your eyes and see the boy I love.
The one who broke down when nobody was watching
The scars I am not allowed to caress - not even if the touch would heal

The boy who sometimes begs me to just understand
While tensing up for reasons - I hope - will die a premature death

I never tell that I pushed and pulled
And pushed you away to soothe internal warfare over our intimacy
That you comfort me overnight when determined - you talk away a frown which will probably leave as soon as you do
And that you still manage to indulge in feelings you can't reciprocate - it hurts

We kissed never lips nor tongues
We slept together without awaking in the lingering scent of regret the morning after
And we fell never hard enough to feel hung-over from commitment

So many ask and so many walk away - why don't I
I keep telling them - what you want me to
Nothing.