Holding His Hand

Holding His Hand

As I leisurely scuffed my feet against the road I tried to control my trembling hands. Tried to focus on the frigid breeze or the beauty of the fogged road ahead. It was covered with fallen fall leaves and gave a haunting eerie feel, an ordinary look in Troy, Vermont. Yet no matter how hard I tried to admire Vermont's beautiful dusk, I just wanted to collapse in Sebastian's arms, wailing in the anguish of our situation. We walked in silence, well I was walking, Sebastian was stumbling with every step ever since he decided to escape from the hospital, and I didn't know how far we would go. He was two inches away from me and yet it felt like our souls were miles apart. Two hours later is when I couldn't take the bleak silence anymore, so I stopped walking and forced myself to stand face to face with him.

Looking at Sebastian made me feel like I was watching a horror film. He was extremely pale to a point where his skin was almost light blue. His auburn hair was drenched in his own sweat and his vibrant green eyes where empty and dreary and he was panting like an overweight dog. "We can always go back so you can be more comfortable, you don't have to do this here Bas," I sniveled!

Sebastian sighed as he stared straight through me, his languishing eyes burned through my soul with a determination I never saw before. "I've never been more comfortable in the past year Rose, I just want to spend my last hours with my best friend; is that to much to ask," Bas irritability wheezed.

"I'm just saying we should go back because you can barely walk and your parents are going to be there in a few hours just to be with you," I weakly pleaded.

It was a year and three months since Sebastian was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma lung cancer, which spread to his other organs. Furthermore, all he wanted to do in his last hours is walk with me down this stupid abandoned road. "My foster parents don't care about me, they just want to see their burden finally leave, and that hospital is clouded with nothing but death and despair. I have nothing left that matters to me but you. When I was told I was going to die, the friends that I thought I had all left. Yeah they stayed awhile and told me how sorry they were for my situation and unconvincingly told me how much they'll miss me. Nevertheless, they moved on to their perfect happy lives. Yet you stayed, through all the tears and pain you stayed no matter what the outcome, all I have is you so let me be with you in my final hours," Bas wheezed as he poorly tried to hold back his tears.

However, I couldn't hold them in; I was bawling so bad as I grabbed him and gave him the biggest bear hug I could with my weak little arms. At that instant, Sebastian grabbed my face with both of his frail hands and firmly pressed his soft lips against mine. A melting magnetic rush of desire flooded through my entire body, causing me to gasp for air. Consequently, Sebastian took that as the opportunity to slip his tongue through my lips and explore my mouth, causing a moan to escape and another wave of desire to wash over me, it took everything I had not to crumple in his arms. Sebastian suddenly released me of his passionate kiss and I glimpsed the same hunger and desire I knew I had fill his charming green eyes before they were washed away with bitterness. "What the hell was that about Bas?" I gasped.

"I just wanted you to know what I was always afraid to tell you, I thought you deserved to know before I died," Sebastian wheezed.

Fury and misery saturated every bone and muscle in my body, as I glared at him in disbelief. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW YOU WAIT TILL YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE TO TELL ME YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS!" I hollered.

Sebastian just stared at me with wide eyes as the same disbelief flooded through him. "I never thought you felt the same way I ju..." Sebastian stammered as he lowered his head.

"OF COURSE I FELT THE SAME WAY, WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS, FOUR FUCKING YEARS AND YOU TELL ME THIS NOW, NOW SEBASTIAN REALLY!" I roared.

" I was going to tell you but, I just, I thought it would be better if..." Sebastian stammered.

"WHAT, WHAT IS THE GRAND EXPLANATION AS TO WHY YOU NEVER TOLD ME THIS, I KNOW MY PATHETIC EXCUSE WHICH WAS TO PUT YOUR NEEDS ABOVE MY OWN SELFISH FEELINGS; SO WHAT'S YOURS SEBASTIAN!" I roared.

"I AM DYING ROSE, I'M GOING TO DIE AND I THOUGHT YOU SHOULDN'T WASTE YOUR TIME ON A DEAD MAN!" Sebastian yelled back.

I just glared at him as tears poured down my face and burned my cheeks on their way to my lips. Sebastian sighed as he ruffled his drenched hair with his hand while his eyes locked to mine filled with grief.

"It would have never been a waste a time, I treasure every moment I spent with you, and I would have treasured those moments a hundred times more if I knew my love for you wasn't one-sided," I cried.

"Well now it's too late," Sebastian mumbled as a single tear crawled down his face.

Minutes passed as we both stared at each other, drowned in the realization of the time we wasted. "Rose can we sit down for a little bit, I'm getting a little tired," Sebastian wheezed.

"Of coarse we can, and we'll stay here as long as you want," I assured dolefully.

We sat under a giant maple tree and talked about anything that popped up in our heads. As the hours went by Sebastian started to lean against me and I could see his eyes dropping. "Are you tired?" I sniveled.

"I love you Rose, I just wanted you to know that, I love your black sleek hair, your warm tanned skin, and I love how you've been with me through all this time, thank you." Bas whispered.

"I love you to Bas and I will always be there for you," I whimpered.

I clenched his hand with all my strength and watched the leaves fall to the ground. At 11:35pm his grip loosened and he stopped breathing, I never sobbed so hard in my entire life as I called his foster parents, trembling the phone as I mentally said goodbye, hating myself for never telling him how I felt.