What Price the Dance

                                                                                                                       Never had a mentor. Heard about them, never met one. Maybe, I wasn't worthy of one. Whatever my talents, nothing but opposition showed up. I had to be quick on these blowbacks --- counting just on myself, usually healing physical wounds, somewhere, I couldn't count on. Evading Family & Child Services, sort of like a stray and animal control.

Always, "when you're feeling better you have to go".

"Ok."

I was seven, nine, then fourteen, then.... doesn't make me warm and fuzzy nor willing to cross the street for anyone. I've seen human suffering as a drive by and think --- figure it out for yourself ---- if you're that poor, don't have so many kids. If you're that poor, you absolutely have no spare time for 'recreational' drugs.                                                            

I have had my moments. Usually, moments not involving others. In my youth, 7 maybe 8, lying on the beach, deep night, 2-3 am. Not quite asleep, looking at all those stars. Just looking, gazing at Polaris --- north star --- as my gaze deepened, so did my stillness.

Then, I could feel it --- lying flat on the ground as the ground moved a thousand miles per hour to the east --- that way. I always seem to know what direction I'm facing. I could feel it... to the left. What speed.... a thousand miles per hour.

I could feel the earth moving fast and hard pulled in strong gravity around the sun, moving fast in close, moving slower out far, the slingshot back in hard and fast accelerating.

I could feel our Sun pulling hard in immense gravity as it moved centering around the galaxy.... all just lying there on the beach.                                                                                                                        

Then, I had to get up, before break light and the beach cleaners would roust and threaten calling the cops ... who would be pissed if they came ... pissed at everybody.           And you know they could get away with it --- with anything, if they had to, but most were good guys, just don't challenge them, cause they were tough guys, just looking to show it. Best to be not there when they showed. So, just go before break light.                                                                                                                        

I could take a class now and again.... liberal times in sunny you know where. And I lived at the library ... libraries. There were so many I could get to. I lived for getting to the UCLA library, where I would burrow in for days... a shadow. Where no one gives a kid a second glance. Using their restroom facilities, but, mostly camping out in their mathematics racks... just reading and absorbing.                                                                                                                                            

I would take a course ... it started early, maybe fourteen. Algebra, then algebra two. But then I'd be awhile.... a little slow. I'd fall behind. But I wouldn't stop. I'd chew on it, think it over, think about it alot.... factors, terms, operations, functions... functions, that was something I could really focus on... like a multipurpose tool that could get alot of things done.... functions. Yeah, algebraic functions, that was the thing... and what if in three dimensions....and variable time?                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

I was slow. I'd take a course, be told first day, 'we have alot of material to cover'.... damn. What was assigned for one day's coverage, I'd spend three weeks mulling over, chewing on it, testing it deductively, inductively, running heuristic 'rip and tears' on it, doing every single one of the exercise problems, then thinking up some of my own, til I was satisfied... meanwhile, failing the course. So, I learned... the hard way. Do I know any other way?

There's a math course I want to take, somewhere, I can take free. Folks, so hate math, you can actually take math courses free --- thank you, Jesus. I get the text and the syllabus and teach it to myself..... however long it takes. I mull, chew, turn it inside out, test it, back test it, until I'm satisfied. Then I sign up for the course.                                                                                                                                            

So, I'm on the beach, a sunny day, drowsy... coming off a 12 hour shift doing that other stuff needs being done. A magazine with an article about recent breakthroughs in fractal geometry on my chest, when some a'hole kicks my foot. Ok, I have a lifetime of broken bones and learned some street fighting as well as mathematics along the way. I size him up --- he doesn't look like much. So, now, what do you want?                                                  

"I'm not looking for trouble. And, I'm too weary to run from it."                                                                                                                        

"Excuse me, sir. Are ..... you that guy with the doctorate in mathematics, who wrote that paper on....", he lowers his voice, looking around, "....... you know .....yeah, right..... that's ....eh, 'classified'. ..... but, if you are, I would really like to talk to you about heading up our R&D division. We need someone like you to get our program on track. We have contracts needing to send up comm sats on time and real soon and more in the pipeline. We're talking 2mil salary, but, there's perks ..... if your interested. Please say you're interested."                                                                                                    

Hmm.