God's Gracie

I hadn't been to church in a while. I'm not sure what it was, but I always dreaded going to Sunday services. These days, I've just been skipping- pretending that Sunday was just another ordinary day. I hadn't talked to God in a while. It was disappointing, even to myself, though I had told myself that I didn't care. What was I going to say? He knows what's going on in my head 24/7, so what was the point of any further communication? I wondered if He knew I was angry at Him. I just thought it was a little messed up, what He did to me and my family. Gracie was just a few months old. What could a precious infant have done to deserve that? No one deserves that kind of demise, especially not baby Gracie. I remember when Gracie was born. Her premature hands, no bigger than a shiny, new quarter. Gracie was tiny, but her blue eyes were huge and full of light. When I looked at her, I swore I could see Jesus smiling in her eyes. They gave her the middle name Brigid, after the patron saint of babies, hoping that God would look down on her and bless her with the gift of health.
For a while there, we were all so hopeful. Gracie was doing so well, but I guess we took all of that for granted. It was only in the next two weeks that things turned detrimental for Gracie. I prayed and prayed and prayed to no avail. That little shimmer in baby Gracie's blue eyes was fading. That beautiful miracle child was being drained of her awe-inspiring drive to live. It was tragic. Back then, I actually talked to God regularly. I'd tell Him all about how Gracie was doing, although I was sure He already knew. I had total faith that He was watching us through Gracie's battle and I knew for damn sure that He hadn't given Gracie that effulgent soul for nothing. However, days turned into weeks and once things got baleful, they didn't get better. The doctors were doing everything they could, but things were so difficult. Gracie's immune system was barely developed and was so overwhelmed by such trauma that one day, she just gave up her struggle.
That day was the day that I cursed God's name for the first time. I had never felt so betrayed by anyone before, let alone the one person that I had put all my trust into, completely. Why do only the good die young? My poor Gracie, barely two months old and already clinging to life, going through more than any adult that I ever knew had gone through in a full lifetime. I was pressed for the strength to even continue, because what was the point of a life without my Gracie? My ultimate question was, what had I done to deserve to watch my little baby that I had taken such precise care of for nine months disintegrate before my eyes? These are my unanswered questions. The questions that will remain a mystery until the day that I'm reunited with my baby girl in heaven. God, I hope there's a heaven- a place for my Gracie to spend the rest of her days and wait for us to join her. I hope it's perfect too- immaculate, just like my Gracie. If there is a God, if He's out there, if He's listening, I just want Him to know that I'm grateful. Even though I only had the privilege to have Gracie for two months, she impacted my life in a way that will never be altered. Still, I am bitter. I'm not usually one to hold grudges, but to give me all I ever wanted and to take it away so effortlessly was cold.
It was the hardest thing for me to do at the time, but I managed to forgive God. I realized, once I did, that coping with Gracie's death had become just the slightest bit easier. Now that I think about it, maybe everything does happen for a reason. Maybe God had given me Gracie and taken her away as a sign. It took me time, but I decided that Gracie's strength and Gracie's story served the sole purpose to bestow strength upon the rest of us. Gracie was a miracle baby who had so much courage and resilience, but just an iota too short for survival. Now, I am stronger. Now, I am wiser. Now, I know God hears our prayers, but sometimes, it is more substantial for us to learn the hard way and our prayers are always answered, just not always with the results that we had hoped for. You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need. I needed a Gracie in my life to force me to grow and to force me to see God in my life once again. And I saw him. I saw God in the eyes of my Gracie.