I Need Him

Once again, I'm writing stuff down with no idea where it's going. I had an idea about a straight line, and here I am. Recently, I was discussing different interpretations of scripture with my husband, and I realized how much my thinking about these ideas had changed. I had gone from accepting a literal interpretation of passages to rethinking the wisdom of being too literal with some of these writings. I realized that most recently I began looking at too many of the teachings and writings referring to these scriptures with a skeptical eye. ( The majority of these are related to end-times teachings.)

There is a verse in the book of Deutoronomy, chapter twenty-nine and verse twenty-nine, that helped shape my thinking. To paraphrase hugely, it states that God will show us some things and won't show us other things. Translated, we are only given a certain amount of information to work with. My view was often conclusions are mistaken or limited in scope. While I do believe this, my attitude became a sneering one. I convinced myself that I was more spiritually enlightened and capable of having a higher, wiser, broader view than the simple folk. I don't want to write this down. Seeing this part of myself is distasteful, ugly, and shaming. These people are my brothers and sisters, not lesser mortals unworthy of my time. I realize that while nothing can separate me from God, I have foolishly separated myself from my family. I cannot hide from the Almighty; I finally learned this. But I want to run from this knowledge and return to a time when I could think better of myself. The longer I rest in the presence of God, the more I see inside myself. I have no pleasure in seeing this part of me. I feel vulnerable now, waiting for the disdain I surely deserve. The mob is coming, with torches, tar, and feathers. I know I am protected and I'm not sure why. Why would God want to look after me? I've failed others, and myself, and Him. What is the point of keeping me around? I'm a mess. I don't like who I am anymore. Why should I be worthy of forgiveness, of peace and mercy? Surely grace can't extend to me. Give me to the mob. I deserve it.

A whisper comes to me. You need to feel disgrace to accept My grace. You must need to cling to Me to understand Who I Am and how deeply I love and forgive you. Do not throw yourself on a pyre, but throw yourself on My mercy, and I will give you all you need. And more.

Whoa. Wow. I am amazed. I feel...light. Joyful. Beloved and precious, a gift from God to Himself. And I am, I really am. Amazing. Bewildering and ecstatic all at once. Thank You,Lord. I have peace and the knowledge of my ugliness is far away from me now. I feel safe, and the feeling is true. Peace resides in me, and I am happy. Thank You.