Maria

I don't know why it is happening again. Everything was so good for so long, but I am sliding down that dreadful muddy slope again and I can't get a hold of anything. I am a successful woman, a manager. I am not loved but I am good at my job and I get things done. I thrive on my independence and my power. I like that I am hated and I make life hell for those who dare to show their disdain for me, Give me as much as an eye roll and I'll make sure work is a pure misery for you. I feel good when you allow me to exert this power. It makes me stronger, more powerful, I don't care that you hate me. I don't care that you talk bad about me, I welcome it, it gives me a bigger platform to dance my power dance. The bigger my platform, the longer and more intense is my dance... Vindictive is my chosen name. Maria is the name my mother gave me...

Today I am weak, I am Maria, I can't even decide which direction to walk in. The awareness of my own inner darkness is overpowering me. I am such a bad person. I struggle to get out from the ropes of self-hate. The more I struggle, the tighter it becomes... It is days like this that I get a sense of the feeling that people must have for me. I know I have to grab onto something to stop this downward spiral. The further I slide, the darker it gets. I need to eat healthier, sleep better, exercise. The truth is that riding it out is the only thing that really works. I am slumped over on this black horse of misery. I have no power to guide it toward the light and it effortlessly gallops me deeper into the dark woods. I am lifeless and at mercy of the darkness, alone on this journey. Maybe that is what I am good at, not allowing anybody into my darkness. Maybe I am a good person after all...
I don't like the darkness, it reminds me of the time with my Mother's cat Tully, he is the only one that knows how dark it gets in this my world. I still remember sliding my hands around that soft furry neck and then tightening more and more, tighter and tighter. The fear in his eyes growing as my hands tightened. I liked feeling his fear, grabbing his body with my legs and forcing him to stop his struggle and to accept my power. I could not stop my hands from forcing the life out of him. I never felt so alive, I absorbed his life, he became me. I was only 12 and I still remember that feeling. I often wish I could feel like that again, but taking a life is so wrong. I am still so shocked that I ever did that and mortified that I liked doing it. I will never tell this to anybody. Only I know how wrong I am.

Maybe if I had a family of my own I would have been different. I can picture it, a beautiful yard, me planting pretty flowers while my kids run around with their big dog, a golden retriever with long shiny fur. Maybe there could even be a cat sitting on the porch watching us. His name could be Tully. My mother would like that. I feel so incredibly sad and tired and I know the only weapon I have against feeling like this is to go out and try to escape myself. Running helps, but I am so low on energy I can barely walk upstairs to put on my running clothes. I grabbed on to the stair railing and pulled my heavy body up. I promised myself I would always fight back even when I feel hopeless.

It took a while but I got my running gear on and into my car, where I just sat for another ten minutes because I couldn't decide where to go. I drove to the lake where I usually run but I couldn't get out of the car. What if I see somebody I know? I am pretty bored with this area anyway. The lake is pristine and so peaceful, I shouldn't disturb the peace here. I decided to go for a run in the woods by the state park a couple miles away. But, I never took the turn for the state park, I just kept driving. I am so indecisive, I want to go for a run, but I don't. I want to go back home but I don't. What if I just drive away from myself?
Imagine if there is a place somewhere where I can just become somebody else. Reinvent myself, become the opposite of me. I can be a good person, friendly and nice and pure and sweet and innocent and helpful and loved...
I kept driving, I skipped a red light and almost caused a major accident. Tires were screeching and cars were honking. Maybe that is how it feels when one leaves oneself behind, maybe if I drive faster I could really leave myself behind. I put the music on full blast so I won't hear when I leave me... I kept going faster. The faster I go the lighter I feel. I am really leaving myself behind, or least the darkness of me. Another red light comes up and I have to stop this time because there is a few cars in front of me. I wonder how it would feel to run full speed into them...

My stomach is rumbling and hunger pains are squeezing my insides. When was the last time I ate something? I had coffee for breakfast and nothing else. I forgot about lunch. I didn't eat anything today. My hands are shaking and I realize how hungry I am. How could I just forget to eat? It is seven fifty six pm and I have been driving for more than three hours. I have no idea where I am, I am so shocked by how far I drove without realizing where I am going. How can I be safe when I can't even remember driving? I am anxious about my state of mind. I hate when I get like this. I need to find out where I am and find my way back to the highway and to my house. I have to eat something and pull myself together.
It is still light outside and it seems like I am driving through a small town. I think I am still in New Jersey. There is people walking on the sidewalks and small shops decorating the street. It looks like a very charming little town. I notice a pizza place and chose a parking place right in front of it. Through the window I see people filling the small place. It looks like a happy place and I hear upbeat music coming from within. I am starving but I am still wearing my running clothes. I can't go in dressed like this. I look around for a fast food restaurant but the only other place is the Farmington Station restaurant across the street. It seems very fancy. This must be Farmington. I'll have to look it up later tonight to see where exactly I am. I decided to keep driving, but my stomach loudly objects and the smell of the pizza is overpowering. The place seems friendly, inviting. "Jenny's Pizza Place" is written in large goofy letters all over the window. The tables and chairs are all painted in different bright and happy colors. The woman behind the counter is cutting a large pizza while bobbing her head to the music. She must be Jenny, she just looks like she belongs. She carries the large pizza over to the table in front of the window and says something to the small family sitting there. Everybody laughs and she lingers to talk more. I watch her twirl the little girls hair and walk back to the counter. The small family start dividing the delicious looking pizza and I feel that familiar ache in my heart again. I would be so different if I had a family!

I open my door and step out. I feel light headed and a darkness falls over me. I sat back down and wait for it to pass. It is because I didn't eat anything today. My blood sugar must be very low. I just got up too fast, I have to go slower. As I carefully step out again, I notice something under my car. At first I thought it was a post card or advertisement. Then I realize it is a photo of a young girl. Somebody must have dropped it there. I pull it out from behind the wheel and look at the girl. She is beautiful. Her eyes are sparkling with happiness and her huge smile confirms her happiness. She appears to be in motion, her background is blurred and her long curly hair is swinging behind her as if she is propelled sideways. What strikes me most is that she looks like me. She is blond with fair skin and green eyes, a unique combination. If I ever had a daughter, I think she would look exactly like this girl. Her resemblance to me is incredible. I wish I had a daughter like this. I would give up everything to have a life with a beautiful daughter like this. I would give up my career, all my friends, my whole life. All I need to be fulfilled is a daughter like this, someone I could love forever above everything. I have so much to give. Maybe she is the daughter I was suppose to have. I think she is about 10 years old. I turn the picture around and read the words written in script;

Mariah Elizabeth Allen, 8 years. 04/15/2005.

I sit back down and stare at the picture of this beautiful girl. It is just a photo of a stranger, somebody must have dropped it here. I should give it to Jenny, the pizza place owner, she probably knows everybody in town. But it is so extraordinary. There are so many signs here. This girl looks so much like me Even her name sounds like mine. Mariah... Maria... Mariah...
Just looking at her picture makes me feel happy, there is a sense of familiarity, like I know her, like she belongs to me. I am not even hungry anymore. What if she is in that restaurant? I hold the picture against my chest and leans back into the car seat. I feel a warmth spreading through my chest and an overwhelming feeling of belonging engulfed me. It feels like the void in my whole being is being filled all at once. This is the missing piece in my life, this is the something I can grab hold of. This is how I can get out of the darkness. It is all so clear now. I have to start a new life, I have to find my Mariah, she is the one that will save me. I feel so alive...