Sample Review

Hi

I've just finished reading your short story, {item:}, and I'd like to offer the following comments. Please bear in my mind they are offered solely with the intention of helping you.

My overall impressions: When I first read through this story, I really liked the idea of an angel initiation ceremony. I thought this was a different subject to write about. I liked the way we are shown how nervous and desperate to not mess up the young angel is. Her anxiety makes her an endearing character.

Plot: This was a small slice of a scene. At first, I thought it was going to be about a young woman walking up the aisle to her wedding. Then, I realised, I was wrong. I am assuming this is kind of an initiation ceremony for guardian angels and your protagonist is being sworn in and handed her first assignment. There wasn't a lot of action in this story, but that wasn't necessary. I believe your intention was to show us this slice of "life". I liked the way you gradually revealed what the ceremony was, it kept me guessing what it would turn out to be.

What I really liked: I really liked your description of the demigods as having "stunning beauty and the power pouring off of them." I could picture their radiance and the grand scene with them all looking down at the ceremony. I liked the way you have described the protagonist rehearsing her words in front of her mirror. Who hasn't done that with a hairbrush?! It made your character instantly more relatable. I also really liked your description of the envelope "practically buzzing in my hands, begging for attention." Again, I can totally relate to that. It's like a 'wet paint' sign - you just have to touch the paint, right?

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: My first piece of advice to you is to always use spell check. There are a few errors here that could be easily rectified. Read through your work as well before you complete it. There are a few occasions where you've written "u" when you mean "you". Also, on one occasion, you have written "cud" in stead of "could". These kinds of errors make the piece much more difficult to read. It is the same with your punctuation, always try to make sure you have it nailed before completing a work. Things like not capitalising the first letter after a full stop aren't usually optional. In your third paragraph, you write "divided_in unequal parts_" Please ensure you use the right punctuation mark (-). Don't forget that people's names should always be capitalised as well. If you can do all of this, your writing will read a lot more easily. Maybe, try reading it out loud to see how it sounds when read. That could help. One last thing on grammar/punctuation, you say that Lady Noella's voice "ringed through the hall". The past participle of ring is rang.

Suggestions: My first suggestion is on presentation. You haven't separated the paragraphs an awful lot. If you did this, it wouldn't look slightly more inviting, and be easier to read. You write "Her presence hadn’t been really unwelcome, or at least openly so. But I secretly suspected the power the dominions held over the lower ranks – say, like, the principals- was a sore spot for them. But sore or not, I guess u could say the principals kind of worked for these guys." You have a few sentences like this, where I feel you could have used fewer words to a greater effect. Maybe if you showed the chain of command by having interaction between the different ranks, we would have a greater feel for the angels. Whilst I understand you are trying to paint as full a picture as possible for your readers, sometimes your sentences do feel a little cluttered. If you cut out phrases like "if you ask me" and "it was important to answer with a full sentence", the piece would flow more easily. Try to simplify, I think that's the answer. Another example of a part that could be shortened is "So, walking gracefully, or with as much grace as I cud muster anyways, I made my way to the stand they’d told us to stop at. I curtsied, just like they’d said, and lady Noella nodded with that unearthly expression of hers that crept me out. I swear sometimes she looked like she knew what you were thinking." In my opinion, all you need to say is something like "So I moved gracefully to the sacred stand. I curtsied before Lady Noella, who smiled knowingly." Just a thought, but maybe you could set yourself a (realistic) word count. Then write your story and go back and edit it, cutting it down to the count you wanted. It's a good way of eliminating the unimportant stuff.

Final thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story. I really liked your main character, Arok. I think this is a good, original idea for a story. I would love to know what was in the envelope. The suggestions I made really are to help you grow as a writer. If you have any questions, please just ask.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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