Remember When It Rained

The taste of rain lingered on my lips. I glanced down at my pruned, frigid fingers as they slid silently along the pooled water on top of the cold bench. My hair was dripping wet, my clothes drenched, my gray jeans now looked black. The night air smelled fresh and inviting. Fog filled the atmosphere as I gazed hypnotized at the light from the flashing robot reflected off the falling droplets, creating a kaleidoscope of enchanting fuzzy color.

The sensuous way the icy cold droplets splattered across my fiery skin never failed to send a shiver down my spine. I’ve always found the rain comforting. The rain calmed me. It calmed my thoughts. Every inviting thought, every impulsive action, was calmed. I could think clearly, more precisely in the sanctuary of the rain. I closed my eyes and cried out loud, “Wash away the thoughts inside my head that keep me away from you. No more lies and no more hiding!”

Tonight was like no other night. It may have seemed ordinary to you but not to me. Tonight I found out that the man I loved was sleeping with another girl. After three years of marriage, nothing could have prepared me for the heart wrenching, searing white hot pain of betrayal. I thought we had built a life, a home, that we were partners till death do us part. Salty, hot tears streamed down my face. I know we all have experienced moments of weakness in life. But we all have choices and in the end, he chose her over our love. I loved him with every bit of my heart, body, and soul.

It’s unbelievably clear how life comes into perspective when we face a crossroad. I can’t be afraid anymore. I have to embrace this feeling. I need to know where this will lead to. No regrets. We all secretly know what we are capable of deep down in the depths of our souls. We know what calls to us. If we listen closely, we can hear the monsters calling our names. This is my moment. The moment I wanted all my life. I can tell it is time. Everybody dies but not everybody lives.

The faint sound of footsteps roused me from my thoughts. Voices filtered through the air from across the street. I pulled my jacket hood over my face and slowly made my way to the open parking lot. I waited in the shadows until there was just one car left in the parking. I watched motionlessly as he hurriedly made his way to his car. He didn’t notice as I walked up to him.

I stood behind him. I was so close that I could feel the heat emanating from his body. His fingers were slippery wet with the rain. He fumbled to unlock the car door and dropped the keys on the ground. They landed at my feet.

He bent down to pick up the keys and realized that he was not alone. He looked up, directly into the barrel. The darkness and hood masked my face. I slowly pulled off my hood, turned my head towards the night sky and let the rain pour down on me. I wanted him to see me.

I took a step closer and pressed the muzzle hard against his forehead. I felt the hot tears cascade down my face again. I wanted him to look into my eyes, to know who I am. I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and pulled the trigger. Walking away, I know I have become one with the night. I have become alive.