Non Sequitur: Part 2

I thought that after writing all this
I would have learned something new
Or would have learned to self-reflect
Or I would have learned to resurrect my happiness.

It would be lying if I said I did.

Truth is I've learned nothing by writing
Truth is the demons are still here
Truth is I still suffer every day
And the past won't ever go away
It comes to haunt me.
And I fear it's here to stay.

I've lost my touch with reality
Years ago when my friends
Cut me down like a cherry tree.
I've tried to make amends with my past.
I've failed though.

It was my fault, it wasn't my fault
It's all the same. It happened.
And nothing can take that away.
Even though I don't want it here.

I wish I could undo my wrongs
I wish I could undo my suffering
Denying this would accrue my hell
I wish I could undo myself

I wish I could take the hurt...
The pain away from anyone
I gave it to.
I would suffer a thousand years
Before I hurt another friend.

I would undo all the bad I have done
And in the end, maybe I'll be happy.
Maybe I'll have something to look forward to
Maybe I'll have someone to share a bed with
Maybe my thoughts are what's holding me back
I didn't think of that.

My thoughts...
Could that be what's been holding be back this whole time?
No one else, just me?
A lifetime of blaming others
About problems that were solely mine?
Maybe that's the answer.

No...that can't be.
It can't be that easy.
I can't believe I've spent 20 years
in a living hell because I chose it.
That's not the answer.

Maybe...I don't know...
Maybe I can only find happiness
By helping others.
I've been down the dark road many times
I know how awful the shadows can be.
If I can help just one person in this life
Avoid my pain.
Maybe it would all be worth it.
But I don't know.

I could tell them my story.
I could tell them why
I thought I was worthless.
I could tell them why
I thought I wasn't worth it.
But if I help other people
If I give myself a purpose
Maybe in the end,
I will be worth it.