Man Enters Himself Into Dog Show

A local citizen made quite a stir at the Annual Ashbrook Dog Show when he entered as a participant.

Paul Jeffords was outraged when officials inquired where his four-legged friend was. Luckily his wife Sheila was present to translate the angry barking Mr. Jeffords’ reportedly unleashed on the surprised judges. “Did you just assume my species? I’ve never been so disgusted in my life.”

He maintained that he was a pure-bred canine; Pomeranian to be specific. After a brief outburst, Sheila ordered the self-identifying animal to lie down. Mr. Jeffords promptly obeyed the command, after which he was awarded a treat and told he was a ‘good boy’. The dog show officials were unequipped to handle such a bizarre situation.

“I’ve been judging these shows ever since they began,” William Harrison confided to our reporter. “But never have I seen anything like this. What’s this world coming to?” He revealed that after a considerable amount of pressure, Mr. Jeffords was eventually admitted into the contest.

“It was a real mess. After Mr. Jef- I mean the Pomeranian went through, the cones and obstacles gave him a fair amount of trouble. He’s just too big for the course, I’m not sure what he or his trainer expected.”

Several dog owners lodged complaints after Mr. Jeffords growled at the competing animals. Kara B. was deeply upset when her Golden Retriever failed to listen during the event. “I think Lucky was intimidated, he never acts this way unless he feels threatened.”

She wasn’t the only one who had issues, Michael A. also had a difficult time getting his Bichon-Frise out onto the field. “Mimi was extremely frightened, poor thing. That man reduced her to a quivering bundle of nerves. Who decided to let that lunatic in?”

Sheila Jeffords was more than willing to talk about her husband’s unique condition. “Paul’s always acted a bit dog-like but only recently has he started to accept it. I think it was when he caught a frisbee in his mouth that Paul realized it wasn’t some quirk, this was real.”

Our reporter inquired if there were any challenges living with a self-identifying Pomeranian. “The mailman refuses to deliver to our house, he’s actually gone a little overboard and gotten a restraining order as well. I told him Paul was sorry for biting his backside but I suppose some people can’t bury the hatchet.”

She went on to describe their home life. “He’s very playful. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but he’s constantly surprising me! I don’t have to put newspaper down anymore, thankfully. Paul also knows that he’s not allowed on the sofa.”

We had some trouble keeping her on track as Sheila began to describe her love life with gusto. Unfortunately, some of the details aren’t fit for publication.

One neighbor was available to comment on the couple. George E. had this to say: “It ain’t natural if you ask me. Paul’s always yipping during the day and at night you hear nothing but howling.” He went on to voice dissatisfaction with the police. “Everyone else has to keep their dogs quiet, but he’s allowed to bark his head off. I’ve called in numerous noise complaints but they just don’t want to deal with it.”

William Harrison had to cancel the Ashbrook Dog Show due to the resulting uproar. After the announcement, he left us with this statement. “I think society is starting to unravel. My four-year old son wants to be a fire truck, should I paint him red and put lights on him?”