Addiction

He smiles at me from across the room , saying I love you mom. Lifting the vaper he takes a big deep breath inhaling the death of me. I ask, is it what I think it is? again he smiles and responds with a yes. My heart feels the ache of death, as he takes inhales again. that gold liquid inside how I wish he would stop. But even time spent in prison did not help, they can create the exact within the confines of those bars. He now covered in tattoos all with a special meaning to him. I always asked be honest with me and we can try to work through things. But the alcohol and meth own his mind. His girlfriend smokes his vape cigarette both enabling each other. Ask me why I am writing this? I need to cry out my eyes and release this ache that has no end. He lives day by day sometimes not knowing where he will sleep. One night he called and said I'm outside with my girlfriend ; I walk out into the night he has his luggage all that he owns in 6 suitcases. I sit with with him and his girlfriend. How I wish I could help but I will not enable him. I am disabled and am cared for ,I am lucky to have a place to rest my head. I would give him my pillow but I can't . He finally finds a ride and spends the night with his friend for the night. Next day I get a call for me to come visit him at a hotel, and have dinner with him and his girlfriend. she crashes out from the pills she takes. He and I go get dinner from the hotel. up in the room we go due to the corona we cannot dine in dining area. He lifts that pipe and inhales I don't want to ask I already know the answer. He has 3 glasses of wine as he eats his meal. I try to carry a conversation. How can I when I don't know where he will be tomorrow. His phone numbers change frequently! I go home the next day he calls, Oh hi mom I,m staying at a new place, things are looking good for me. When will he see reality but until he chooses another path there is nothing I can do. I only wait till he asks me to visit him, he knows while I will never give up my fight against cancer and he takes life away with each hit of meth.For me I live one day at a time and try to forget what I have running through my blood. He angers me letting meth and alcohol run through his. Yet I love my son , at this time I feel lost because the choices he makes. Why am I lost in his choices?is it because I wish I could change it?