Talking Turkey

“Thank you for calling the Butterball Thanksgiving Hotline. This call may be monitored for quality assurance. My name is Betty. May I have your name and a phone number to reach you in case we become disconnected?”

“Gobble.”

“I’m sorry, we seem to have a bad connection. Can you please repeat that?”

“I said, ‘Gobble.’”

“Is ‘Gooble’ your first or last name, sir?”

“Just Gobble will do.”

“Okay, Gobble. And a number where we can reach you if we get disconnected?”

“Why would I give you my number?”

“Well, sir, if we become disconnected, how can I reach you?””

“You think I’m stupid enough to give you a number you can trace? You’ll have the feds on me in a hot minute.”

“Okay, umm… may I ask what part of your Thanksgiving feast I can help you with, Mr. Gobble?”

“Listen closely, ‘cause I’m only going to say this once.”

“Sir, I am listening.”

“”Cause I’m only going to say it once.”

“I promise you I’m listening.”

“Give this message to your boss: Get us off the table or the Doughboy gets it.”

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

“Jeez, really?”

“I promise I was listening, only I didn’t understand the question.”

“Did I say I had a question?”

“Why else would you be calling the Butterball Thanksgiving Hotline?”
“Why am I calling? Why am I calling!”

“Sir, I understand that hosting family and friends on such an important occasion as Thanksgiving can be stres--”

“You have got to be kidding me!”

“Sir, we never kid about Thanksgiving and its importance at the Butterball Thanksgiving Hotline.”

“Good gravy!”

“Gravy can be tough to thicken. Have you tried using cornstarch instead of flour?”

“No, no, no, you idiot! Can’t you see that I’m calling in a demand?”

“A demand?”

“Yes! For freedom and amnesty, for justice and freedom. To finally be recognized as something other than a carcass on an oversized platter. To be seen as the truly magnificent, intelligent wild birds we are!”

“Wild bird can be tough. You will do better if you age it first.”

“GOBBLE!”

“Sir, you don’t have to repeat your name so much.”

“Listen, Betty, can you do one thing for me? Just one, little thing, please?


“Of course, Gobble. I am here to help.”

“You’re listening, right? Not looking at your script, right?”

“Of course, I’m listening. I’m here to help you with all your Thanksgiving needs.”

“No, seriously, Betty. LISTEN!”

“I assure you, sir. I’m listening.”

“I am calling because we, of the Meleagris Liberation Front, have kidnapped the Pillsbury Doughboy, and are prepared to poke his tummy with a lotta lead unless you stop the mass slaughter of thousands of our innocent brothers just for a meal.”

“Wait, you said you have the Pillsbury Doughboy?”
“Yes! Finally, we’re rolling!”

“Sir, I’m sorry, I cannot help you with that. Pillsbury has their own hotline. Please try them for all your pastry needs. Thank you for calling the Butterball Thanksgiving Hotline.”

Word Count: 497