Curmudgeonly

          "Unbelievable. I come home from a long day at work and I find the front door wide open. Was someone living here born in a barn? Allow me to shut it. Obviously I'm expected to do everything."

         "Hey Dad. I see you're home. Could you open the door? My hands are full with the garbage. Are you scowling?"

         "If you are going out, why are all the lights blazing? Do you know how much the electrical bill is? Don't plunk the garbage pail at the end of the driveway and remember to place the lid back on it. I'm not feeding the stray cats."

         "Ya, ya, blah, blah. You seem a bit more cantankerous if that's possible. Doris was just telling me she's concerned. Every morning she hollers hello and you just wave her off."

         "Is she spying on me? I don't sit on my arse all day with nothing better to do than watch my neighbour's comings and goings. Did she traipse across the lawn? Doesn't she know what a walkway is for?"

         "I like Doris. She tells me things. She sighs and shakes her head when she talks about you."

         "What? What does she have to say, the ol' tongue wagger?"

         "Well, she says you're a kvetch. Neat word, huh?"

         "A kvetch? Really? I haven't heard that in years. My mother repeated that particular word many times. She called your Grandad a kvetch. She also told me it rhymed with wretch. As if that harridan Doris knows me."

         " Oh but she does, Dad. She's lived next door forever. She says at her age she's seen and heard it all, so she knows a curmudgeon when she sees one. Doris was speaking about you of course, not me."

          "Hey, do not slam the door. Are you trying to put it through the wall? Did you hear that too, Doris?"

         "Dad, Doris is worried. She asked me why you're irritable? She wondered if you're regular and eating enough roughage. She also noticed that you mutter to yourself. Wait, Grandma called Grandad a kvetch? You know what this means dontcha?"

         "Do not reach for that light switch. Did you wipe your feet? What are you babbling on about?"

         "Haha! You Dad are a son of a curmudgeon."

         "I am most certainly not. As if."

         "Doris claims you weren't always so crusty. She has a theory. Grandad passed away twenty years ago, right? You adopted his personality 'cause you missed him."

         "Balderdash! What a load of claptrap. What do you expect from a nosy old woman? I'm not nor have I ever been an ill-tempered man. I have standards and opinions. I've earned them."

         "I dunno, Dad. You seen tetchy to me. Doris and I believe you should just sit and let loose more often. Where are you stomping off to now?"

         "If you must know, I plan to take a load off. Mother of pearl! Can't anyone in this household replace an empty toilet paper roll? Is that asking too much? And Godfrey Daniels, where's the t.p. I just brought home a day ago? It doesn't grow on trees you know. What have you been swiping?"

         

         ( Happy Curmudgeon's Day! We all know at least one. Happy Birthday W.C. Fields! I like your cursing, 'mother of pearl' and 'Godfrey Daniels'.)

         ( 548 words )