Ignorant Gorillas

Here's something you might find interesting. This morning when I woke up, I had a strange feeling of guilt. And when I went to the bathroom, for some unknown reason I became very annoyed that I had to LOWER the seat so I could sit down to pee.

But it was when I was brushing my teeth, staring at the mirror and hating everything about myself, that I realised...I had become a woman. Or what I now politically correctly term myself as...a femanist. For those of you who cannot understand, I am a male looking, but far from male thinking, female...who just happens to have a penis (please don't judge me, I didn't ask to be born this way).

As I ate my bowl of Odwalla, Femme Vitale cereal, along with a glass of freshly squeezed nut juice (supplied by the Divorced Women's Handbag Company), I began to ponder (because I have a right to ponder things without having some male man boss complaining about me being late for work...again).

Then it came to me like a revelation. The real reason men won't accept female equality is that they fear what will become of them once their very important, but super fragile superiority complexes, which they believe women are so attracted to (YUCK), will be gone forever. And for once, they have a right to be afraid.

Can you imagine what would happen if women put their wombs on an indefinite strike and men had to become the bearers of children, for the survival of our species? There wouldn't be enough epidural in the world to stop their pathetic screaming from trying to deliver seven-pound babies from their assholes. The only positive is we women would realise in those last moments for our species, that we may be doomed, but we will go out laughing.

Where's the logic when men say we are the weaker sex? After all, who's changing the tyre by the side of the freeway in the hot sun, whilst we are sitting in the air-conditioned car shopping online with his credit card...girlfriend?

And if I am the weaker sex, then why is it that I have multiple, body-shaking orgasms a half hour AFTER the three minutes of glory (with a grunt to announce it's officially over) performance he put in? Three minutes of boring missionary, and yet, he still needs to be told how great it was.

“It was great”...when it ended.

I'm not sure about anything anymore (going to bed a man, then waking up feeling like a woman will do that)...although...

I'm pretty sure,
I am woman to the core.
When I got back from the store,
And you heard me roar.
There was a whore at my door.
After my jaw hit the floor.
I said, "No, Darren, our sex life isn't a bore,"
“It's just become a chore.”



But, Darren didn't understand. So I HAD to sit him down with a cup of his favourite hot chocolate and slowly explain...as I counted in my mind the minutes until the Rohypnol I accidentally crushed and mixed into his drink will begin to take effect. And even before his first nod, I call my two girlfriends to come over and party on my pussy.

Sometimes, we'll go for days, and getting the dosage just right, so he is just awake enough to have another drink, but not so much that he awakens to an orgy that's still going on as he snores, is the key to great sex.

Sometimes, if we are feeling very dirty we'll include him in the action. But having his flaccid roofied penis in my mouth doesn't turn me on, it just makes me gag...and not in a good way either.

So most of the time we just put a microphone next to his dribbling mouth and use his snoring to drown out all the screaming.

A man's ego is a lot like a woman's makeup kit...don't you think?

Men are mostly ignorant gorillas' butt holes, but when we see a gorilla put his finger in his butt and then smell it, it kinda looks cute. But when we see a man do the same thing...girls? I must at this point, apologise to all of your husbands, who I am sure are good men...they all are until they are caught.

Am I coming across as a little harsh, or even bitter? Well, considering the fact that I was one of them, I should know.

It must be so hard for men these days. I know that deep down under the guilt and the layers of denial and shame they would feel for having treated women so abhorrently throughout history...at times like we were virtual slaves, that it is indeed lucky for men these feelings have been buried so deep in the cesspit of their minds because otherwise, it might distract them from their next tee shot. I think that it is safe to say their remorse won't be on display anytime soon.

Here's a truth....owning the flashiest and most clever-sounding ego is no guarantee to pick up on a Friday night...yet we all know that if a woman is in the mood, she is.

An ego requires constant attention and reassurance (and isn't it typical to turn things around and accuse us women of the same thing), in order to survive the harsh realities of mediocrity.

Goodnight everyone, you've been a great audience.