THE GREEN WOMAN

Betty and Lon Travers were almost asleep when they heard screaming coming from their son, Lennie's bedroom.

Grabbing up the black military-style flashlight from the bedside table, Lon headed out into the corridor, followed by his wife.

"What is it, honey?" asked Betty, a short attractive raven-haired woman, with more than a passing resemblance to her namesake, Betty Rubble, as she switched on the light to Lennie's bedroom, which was covered with posters of Batman, Harley Quinn, and Miley Cyrus.

"There's a monster under my bed," insisted Lennie.

"Well, of course, there isn't," said Lon, a tall fiercely blonde man, with an executive trim.

"There is," insisted the seven-year-old," standing on his bed.

"No, there isn't, son."

"Yes, there is!"

"All right, I'll have a look," said Lon. Kneeling, he shone the torch under the bed. And was astonished to see something long and green like mould under his son's bed. Looking more closely he realised that it was a rather shapely woman's leg. Slowly he shone the torch along till he had confirmed that there was a mould-green woman, perhaps thirty-years-old lying under his son's bed. She was draped in a torn, white, shroud-like garment, but nothing else.

"See," said Betty, "there's nothing."

"Yes, there is," said Lon. Picking up his son, he handed him to Betty and said, "Take Lennie into our bedroom. And lock the door."

"What for?" asked Betty, wondering if her husband was going mad, or just teasing them both.

"Just do it!" said Lon, startling Betty, since in their ten years of marriage, he had never raised his voice to her before.

Lon waited until he heard the lock turn on the next room's door, then bent down to examine the green woman again. She was green, as far as he could see from head to toe, even her hair was green, like Shego in Kim Possible, one of Lennie's favourite TV shows.

The poor thing, dying so young, he thought. Then he realised that there was no noxious odour emanating from her. As there should have been if she had decayed to the point of turning green.

That's strange! he thought, pulling back and whacking the top of his head on the bottom of the bed, as the green woman suddenly opened her green eyes and turned slightly to look at him.

He pulled out from under the bed, to rub his head, then looked back at the green woman and said: "Hello, I'm Lon, who are you?"

She looked at him puzzled, started to speak, then stopped.

"Don't you have a name?" he asked.

"Not ... sure," she said, clearly struggling to form words.

After a moment's hesitation, he took her by the hand and gently led her out from under his son's bed. Warning her, "Watch out for your head." His own head still aching from where he had bumped it earlier.

He helped her to stand, and then asked, "How did you get under my son's bed?"

"Not ... sure," said the green woman.

"Are you ... a corpse?" he asked.

"Not ... sure."

"Are you a zombie?"

"Not ... sure."

"Are you a vampire?"

"Not ... sure."

Are you a monster of any kind?"

"Not ... sure."

At that moment Lon heard footsteps, and turned to see Betty standing in the doorway watching, looking as astonished by the beautiful green woman, as he was."

"Shego!" called Lennie, having sneaked out of his parents's bedroom. He tried to run to her, but his mother caught him and picked him up.

"Shego!" insisted Lennie, convinced that she was his favourite character from his favourite TV show.

Shrugging, Lon asked the green woman: "Are you Shego?"

"Not ... sure," she said.

Looking at the green woman in her torn short shroud, Betty said, "Whoever or whatever she is, we can't leave her like that. She'll catch her death."

"If she's not already dead," said Lon.

"Not ... sure," said the green woman.

"Shego," insisted Lennie, refusing to believe otherwise.

Betty led the woman into the master bedroom and started looking through her clothes, trying to find something suitable for the green woman.

"What can you wear?" said Betty, thinking aloud.

"Shego always wears a green and black striped trouser suit," insisted Lennie. "Except in one episode when she had on a green and black striped one-piece swimsuit."

"Honey, this isn't Shego," insisted Lon.

"Shego," insisted Lennie.

"Whoever she is, you two men leave the room, while she changes."

Lon picked up Lennie and headed out into the corridor.

Ten minutes later, the women came out with the green woman wearing a black skirt and red blouse.

"But Shego always wears green-and-black stripes," protested the seven-year-old.

"She isn't..." began Lon and Betty together. Stopping when they realised that they would never convince him that she wasn't Shego.

Now dressed, they led the green woman still wobbly on her feet, one on each side of her holding one of her arms, to stop her from falling, down the stairs, into the kitchen.

"Now first of what is her name?"

"Don't ... know," said the green woman."

"Shego," insisted Lennie.

"Well, we have to call her something."

"Shego!" repeated Lennie.

"All right already," said Lon to shut up his son, "for now at least we'll call her Shego."

"So what do you like to eat, Shego?" asked Betty.

"I ... don't know."

"Then let's try you with a lovely Granny Smith," said Betty. She picked up an apple and handed it to Shego, who held it, clearly not sure what she was supposed to do with it.

Betty made a biting motion, and, realising at last, Shego took a small bite, then spat it out all over Betty. "Eeee!" she cried, tossing the apple across the kitchen, and smashing it against the washhouse door.

"Okay, so she doesn't like apples," said Lon. How about some bread, butter, and tomato?"

"good idea, said Betty. Going across to the fridge she took out the ingredients and made a cheese and tomato sandwich which she handed to Shego.

Who took a bite, grimaced, and then spat again. This time missing Betty, who moved aside just in time.

"I'll have that if you don't want it," said Lon taking the sandwich and eating it with gusto.

"Can I have a cheese and tomato sandwich too?" asked Lennie.

"Of course you can, honey. But please wait until we find out what Shego likes."

They tried her with sardines, which she spat across the room, hurling the empty can, and spilling sardines and fish oil down the washhouse door. Then Tim Tams which she spat out, but Lon grabbed the unchewed piece to give to Lennie.

Between mouthfuls of the Tim Tam, Lennie suggested: "What about meat? Everybody loves meat."

"Not vegetarians or Vegans," said Betty."

"Or piscatorians," added Lon.

"Don't show off," said Betty. She took some defrosted steak out of the fridge. She went to put it into a frying pan on the stovetop, but, squealing in excitement, Shego raced forward, grabbed the bloody meat, and started eating it greedily."

"Next time we go shopping, we'd better stock up on steak tartare," suggested Lon.

"What's steak tartare?" asked Lennie.

"Specially prepared raw meat. Actually, it's not legal in this country, for obvious health reasons."

"Ooh, yuk," said Lennie.

"I couldn't have put it better myself," said Lon Travers.

Having devoured the raw steak already, Shego looked at Betty expectantly, saying, "More meat?"

"Sure, honey," said Betty, handing Shego two large steaks, which she and Lon had been going to have for supper the next night."

"Was that tomorrow night's supper?" asked Lon.

"Yes, but we've got plenty more meat in the freezer."

"You'd better defrost some more for Shego's breakfast tomorrow," said Lennie.

"And for her lunch," added Lon.

"Sighing," Betty took two trays of lamb loin chops and three more steaks from the freezer compartment of the fridge and shifted them to the main body."

"Meat good," said Shego, between mouthfuls, making them all smile.

Seeing Lennie yawning, Betty asked, "Do you need to sleep, Shego?"

The green woman devoured the last of the meat, then said: "Don't ... know."

"She can share my bed," said Lennie.

"That would be unseemly," teased his mother. "A young man sharing his bed with a strange woman."

"Shego's not strange!"

"They don't come any stranger," said Lon, bending low to whisper it to Lennie, thinking that the green woman couldn't hear it."

"Shego not strange," she said, having clearly heard every word. And having come to accept the name that Lennie had given her.

"Well, we know that she's got excellent hearing," said Betty Travers. She thought for a moment, then said: "Shego can sleep with me tonight. Lon, you'll have to sleep with Lennie."

"Do you think it's safe for you to sleep with her alone?" asked Lon.

"Shego not eat people," said the green woman licking the last of the blood from her fingers.

"Well, I guess it's settled then," said Lon, still not certain about leaving his wife alone with Shego for the night.

As they reached the landing atop the stairs, Lennie said: "Goodnight Mum, goodnight Shego."

"Goodnight son," said Betty.

"Goodnight, boy," said Shego.

"My name's Lennie," he explained.

"Good night, Lennie," she corrected herself, following Betty into the master bedroom, as the two males walked down to Lennie's bedroom.

"Shego's killer,' said Lennie, meaning fantastic.

"I hope not when she's sleeping with your mother."

"Don't worry, Dad, you heard her, she doesn't eat people," reassured the seven-year-old boy.

"Now I feel much better," said Lon, who stayed awake the entire night, afraid that he would hear Betty screaming in the night.



The next morning Betty awakened, to find the other side of the bed empty, although clearly someone had slept in it.

Did I just dream the green woman, she thought getting up to have a quick shower, before dressing, then going downstairs to start breakfast.

Sitting at the kitchen table with a large, raw steak in her hands, Shego said: "Shego like meat."

"That's nice, honey," said Betty going on to make scrambled eggs and bacon for the Travers family.

"Bye, honey," said Lon after breakfast, kissing Betty on the mouth before heading out to his silver-grey Lexus to start off to work.

A few moments later they heard a loud honking outside.

"I think that's the school bus," said Betty, "handing Lennie his school lunch, which he placed into his school bag."

"Bye, Mum," he said kissing her on the cheek as she bent down. Then kissing the green woman, startling her, he said, "Bye Shego."

As Lennie ran outside, Betty explained, "That's called kissing, it's a way that we show each other affection."

The green woman thought for a moment, then said, "Shego like kissing."

Betty washed the dishes, then leaving them to dry, said: "Anyway, we'd better go upstairs to change. We have to go shopping."

"What's shopping?" asked Shego.

"Getting more meat."

"Shego love meat."

"Yes, I noticed," said Betty, smiling, as she took the green woman by the hand to lead her upstairs.

Upstairs she wrinkled her nose, and said, "Maybe you need a shower first, Shego."

"What shower?" asked Shego.

"Take off all your clothes and step into this cubicle," said Betty, leading her to the shower in the en-suite. Then she stopped and asked, "Have you toileted since eating all of that meat?"

When she stared not comprehending, at her, Betty led her across to the toilet, sighing in frustration at having to lower the seat. "Men!" she said, lowering Shego onto the seat. "Now push with your bowels," she said.

As Shego stared in puzzlement, Betty tried to demonstrate, hoping not to crap herself, and finally, the green woman got the idea.

When she had finished, Betty showed her how to wipe herself, flushed the toilet, and then led her back to the shower cubicle.

"All right, stand in there," said Betty encouraging Shego to step into the cubicle. Then slowly she turned on the single tap, which was designed to give hot, but never scalding water.

"Eeee!" cried Shego in shock as the water sprayed onto her, trying to run out of the cubicle.

"What's the matter, does it hurt?" asked Betty still wondering if the green woman could be a vampire. Vampires are supposed to dissolve in water, thought Betty, or did Hollywood just make up that part of the legend?

"No hurt ... wet," said Shego.

"Water is supposed to be wet, that's how you get clean," explained Betty, gently pushing her back under the water. Picking up a bar of Palmolive Green, she handed it to Shego and said, "Now wash yourself with this."

When Shego stared at her, not understanding, Betty scrubbed the green woman's belly with it, and said: "Like that, but all over."

Finally, Shego got the idea and washed herself. Then taking the soap from her, Betty took down the shower nozzle to splash her all over to wash the soap off, while Shego clenched her eyes, still a little unsure about being splashed by wetness.

When she had finished, Betty got a towel and dried Shego, deciding it was easier than trying to teach her to dry herself.

"Now I want you to do that every morning before breakfast," instructed Betty. "Toilet first, then shower, then drying."

"Toilet first, shower, then drying," repeated Shego.

"Now we get dressed," Betty said, this time putting underwear on Shego first, before placing a floral dress on her. With some difficulty, since Shego's bust size was considerably bigger than Betty's. "Kat Denning has nothing on you, honey."

"Who Kat Denning?" asked Shego.

"A world-famous actress."

"What actress."

"A woman who acts," said Betty, trying her best to explain to a puzzled Shego, what acting is.

"That seem silly to Shego."

"Well, considering the rubbish that's mainly on TV these days, it pretty much is."

"What TV?" asked Shego.

"I'll show you later," said Betty, leading Shego out to her red-and-black Honda Civic Hatch to drive to the supermarket.



As the automatic door whooshed open, Shego leapt back. But before she could run away, Betty grabbed her and said, it's supposed to do that. That makes it easier for people to enter the shop."

"Makes it easier," repeated the green woman.

"Yes," said Betty as they stepped into the supermarket.

As they entered people turned round to stare at the green woman. Finally, one man said, "Halloween's not till next week, honey."

"It's her favourite holiday," said Betty Travers, "she celebrates it all year round."

"Love Halloween," said Shego, not knowing what Halloween was, but deciding to agree with whatever Betty said, while they were out of the house.

"Plus she's a big fan of the Munsters," said Betty. "The movie Munsters 2022, more than two TV series or four other movies."

"Love Minsters," said Shego, copying Betty, without knowing what she meant.

"Oh, I see," said the balding man.

At the counter, the serving girl, Jenny as the name tag showed, said, "Hello Mrs. Travers." Then staring at Shego: "Who is this?"

"A cousin of mine, Shego, from Europe."

"She orta get out into the sun more," said Jenny, cackling at her own joke.

"Orta get out into the sun more," repeated Shego.

"I'll say," said Jenny, as they grabbed a shopping cart and headed down the first aisle.

"Why move like that?" asked the green woman, noticing how the shopping cart wheels refused to roll in a straight direction.

"I think there's some kind of law, that shopping trolleys can't have properly co-ordinated wheels," joked Betty. Picking up a bag of apples, she ticked it off her list, saying, "Apples."

"Shego not like apples."

"Yes, I know," said Betty, remembering the green woman hurling the apple, to splatter against the washhouse door. "She then added bananas, peas, beans, and carrots to the list."

"Shego like meat," said the green woman.

"Yes, I know," said Betty, looking around to find Shego missing. Looking across the aisle she saw that Shego had grabbed a large tray of mince steak, ripped open the plastic, and was scoffing down the meat hungrily."

"Shego," Betty called, racing over to the freezer compartment, as quickly as the trolley wheels would allow.

"Shego like meat."

"I know, but we're supposed to pay for it first," chided Betty.

"Pay for?" asked Shego, not understanding.

Taking her purse out to show the green woman, Betty took out some greenbacks to show her. "This is money, Lon is given it in exchange for doing work for his boss."

"In exchange for doing work for his boss," repeated Shego.

"We're supposed to hand some of this to the sales girl, Jenny, before we eat anything."

"But Shego love meat," she said going on to finish the meat.

Taking the empty tray from her, Betty added it to the trolley, saying, "Hopefully she'll understand. I'll just tell her that you're a bit peculiar."

"Shego a bit peculiar," she said.

"Yes," said Betty Travers laughing and hugging a surprised Shego. "That's called hugging we show affection to people we like that way."

"Shego like Betty too," she said grabbing the ravenette in a virtual bear hug.

"But we don't squeeze the life out of people we like."

"Show affection by hugging, but don't squeeze the life out of people," said Shego.

"Yes," agreed Betty, relieved as the powerful green woman finally released her.

Being careful to add plenty of more trays of meat into the trolley, Betty said, "Well, I think that's all that we need today."

"All we need today," repeated Shego, as they headed back toward the front of the store.

"Finished, Mrs. Travers," said Jenny, stating the obvious."

"Oh, plus I need three pints of milk."

Going over to the milk fridge, Jenny asked, "Full skim, as usual, Mrs. Travers?"

"Yes, please Jenny. I've got to watch my figure."

"Got to watch my figure," repeated the green woman.

"Your figure looks just great to me, honey," said a balding forty-something man, getting whacked in the shoulder for his trouble by his wife.

"Wait until I get you home, George," she admonished.

"That's called a compliment," said Betty.

"Punching shoulder a compliment," said Shego.

"No, no," said Betty, afraid that the powerful woman would punch her in the shoulder. "I meant saying your figure looks great is a compliment."

"Saying my figure looks great is a compliment.

"Exactly," said Betty, as Jenny returned with three milk cartons, and rang them up, as Betty unloaded the contents of the trolley onto the checkout counter.

After Jenny had rung everything else up, an embarrassed Betty held up the empty mince meat tray, saying: "And this. Shego didn't realise that we had to pay for it before she ate it ... she's foreign."

"She ate two pounds of mince steak raw?" asked Jenny.

"Well, in her country they're very big on steak tartare," said Betty. Then seeing the salesgirl's puzzled look, "That ground-up beef eaten raw. That's what she thought it was."

"Oh," said Jenny ringing it up, then taking Betty's Visa Card to tap it against the card reader.

"Shego like meat," said the green woman.

"Yes," said Jenny, starting to toss the empty tray away.

"Ee ee ee," cried Shego reaching for the tray, which the sales girl gave to her. Watching, astonished, as the green woman licked it all over until the last of the meat juices were lapped away.

"Shego really likes meat," said Betty.

"Yes, I notice," said Jenny as Shego handed back the tray to be thrown out. Watching them leave the store, the salesgirl muttered, "Those Europeans, they'll eat anything: snails, frogs's legs, bird's nest soup, now raw mince steak!"



By the time that they got home, Shego was hungry again and devoured another tray of mince before announcing: "Shego need to go to toilet."

"I'm not surprised after eating four pounds of mince meat."

After putting the groceries away, Betty dried the breakfast dishes and then put them in the cupboard. Then wondering where Shego had got to, she walked across to knock on the bathroom door, before entering. To find Shego sitting naked on the toilet.

"Honey, why are you naked?"

"You say before to take off clothes before toileting," reminded the green woman.

"That was only because you were having a shower afterward, normally you just pull down your panties and pantyhose to sit on the toilet."

"Just pull down panties and pantyhose to sit on toilet," repeated Shego.

"Yes, honey," said Betty having to smile in amusement.



After Lennie and Lon returned home, around 3:30 and 5:00 respectively, Lon said: "You know what we should do?"

"Go to Disney Land?" said Lennie, hopefully.

"No, we should take Shego around to Uncle Bertie's funeral home. We can get her to lie in a coffin to see if she really is a vampire.

"Vampires suck blood, they don't eat mince steak," reminded Betty, going on to tell them of their adventure at the supermarket. "Luckily Jenny's not the brightest spark in the tinder box."

"What's a tinder box?" asked Lennie, as Shego repeated:

"Jenny's not brightest spark in tinder box."

"Never a truer word spoken," said Lon, as he started helping Betty prepare their supper for the night.

"What's a tinder box?" asked Lennie again.

"It's part of an old fashioned fireplace, where tinder, or sparks were," explained Betty.

"What's a fireplace?" he asked next.

"What fireplace?" agreed the green woman.

"Get your way out of that," teased Betty.



Seeing them placing steak in a frying pan, the green woman said: "Shego like meat."

"Here you go," said Betty handing her a large, raw steak which Shego chewed through greedily.

"Shego like meat," she repeated between mouthfuls.



After eating and washing the dishes, the family, including Shego, went into the lounge room to watch some TV. While Lon sat on a arm chair, Betty and Lennie sat out the outer seats of a three-person sofa. Lennie patted the middle seat for Shego to sit between them. When she stayed standing, looking puzzled, Betty said: "That means come sit between us," patting the empty seat.

"Patting seat means come sit between you," said Shego walking across to sit in the middle seat.

"What's on TV?" asked Lennie.

Looking at the newspaper, Lon said: "The world's most moronic home videos, two gardening shows, and a show about doing garishly bright home renovations. Oh, and Channel 51 has a World War Two documentary. So who votes for the documentary."

"Me," said Betty.

"Better than any of the other rubbish," said Lennie.

"Better than any of the other rubbish," repeated Shego.

"Then it's unanimous," said Lon, turning over to the Channel, to where Lee Why Ling was finishing reading the world news.

"That's Lee Why Ling, she's hot," said Lennie.

"Lee Why Ling, she's hot," repeated Shego.

"Hey, young man. A seven-year-old boy should not even know what being hot means."

Well, I do," insisted Lennie, "and Lee Why Ling is hot."

"Lee Why Ling is hot," said the green woman.

"Well, we're unanimous on that too," said Lon.

"Oh, yes," said Betty, pretending to be jealous.

"Well three outta four ain't bad," said Lon Travers.

After the news, the documentary, "War Crimes of the Nazi Regime," came on. They watched it in silence for an hour, then the green woman said:

"Shego not like war."

"Most sane people don't," said Betty.

"Sadly politicians and generals do like war," said Lon.

Shego thought for a moment, then said, "Shego not like politicians and generals."

"You're not alone in that," said Lon, with Betty nodding in agreement.



The next day, a Saturday, following Lon's suggestion they went around to see Betty's older brother Bertie's funeral home.

"This is a friend of ours Shego,"' said Betty.

"She's green,' said Bertie, a short brown-haired man with more than a passing resemblance to the late Joe Flynn, Captain 'Lead bottom' Binghamton in McHale's Navy.

"She hasn't been well lately," said Lon Travers.

"I can see that," said Bertie. "I understand now why you want her to try out one of our coffins."

He led them across to his display room, and pointed to an ornate, gold-trimmed coffin: "This is our deluxe model, complete with silk padding to make the dearly departed comfortable.

"Does that matter if they're already dead?" asked Lennie.

"Of course, it matters," blustered Uncle Bertie, without being able to explain why.

"Is that real gold trim?" asked Betty.

"Certainly it is," said her older brother. "No expenses are spared here."

"Isn't that a waste, if it's just going to be buried in the ground?" asked Lon. "Oomphing," as he received an elbow in the ribs from his wife.

"It looks lovely, Bertie," assured his younger sister.

"Thank you, sis," said Bertie placing a brown wooden stool at the base of the table holding the coffin. " Okay, well let's help her up."

With Lon holding her right arm, and Bertie her left, Shego climbed up onto the stool, then the black wood table, before settling into the coffin.

"Comfy?" asked Bertie.

"If she's going to be dead, what does it matter?" demanded Lennie Travers.

"Shush," his mother said. Then to the green woman, "Is it a nice fit."

"It a nice fit," agreed Shego.

"Well let's try it with the lid down," suggested Uncle Bertie. And before anyone could stop him, he closed the lid.

Inside the coffin, Shego screamed and started pounding on the lid hard enough that it almost broke.

"What the...?" said Bertie quickly opening the lid again.

Climbing out of the coffin, unassisted this time, looking terrified, Shego said: "Shego no like dark tiny place."



When they got outside again, as they got into the car to go home, Lon said, "Well, that rules out her being a vampire."

"Yeah," agreed Lennie, "vampires love damp, musty coffins."

"Don't let your Uncle Bertie hear you say that his coffins are damp and musty," teased Betty.

"Shego no like dark tiny places," said the green woman, still clearly a little rattled.

"That's all right honey," said Betty putting an arm around the green woman to comfort her.



When they got home, they started into the kitchen for lunch when there came a rapping at the front door.

"I'll get it,' said Lon, leaving the other three to go into the kitchen.

When he opened the front door, he was surprised to see three Military Police, one woman, two men, plus two men who looked like caricatures of the Men in Black, from the movies of the same name.

"We're looking for this woman," said the female MP, handing him a colour picture of Shego. "Have you seen her?"

"She's green," said Lon, trying to act surprised.

"Camouflage," said the woman. "Her name is XR-4."

"XR-4," said Lon, genuinely surprised this time, wondering how good camouflage painting yourself green would be.

"Actually that's a code name she uses, sir, she's a terrorist wanted for blowing up a number of buildings."

Handing back the photo, Lon said, "Sorry, I haven't seen her."

Handing him a card, she said: "Well, if you do see her, be sure to phone us on this number."

"Will do," he lied, tearing up the card as soon as he had shut the front door. Walking into the kitchen, he said: "XR-4."

Shego dropped the raw steak that she had been eating, as she suddenly remembered who and what she was. "XR-4," she repeated.

"Some military goons said you're a terrorist who has blown up buildings."

"XR-4 no terrorist, "she protested, " XR-4 speriment.

"Experiment," corrected Betty.

"Speriment," agreed XR-4. "XR-4 made from a mixture of human and crocodile, and other DNA. XR-4 meant to be soulless killing machine to be sent into battle. But XR-4 not like killing. XR-4 not like battle.

"So they plan to send XR-4 to Guantanamo Bay to be imprisoned, tortured, possibly killed. So XR-4 escape and hide under Lennie's bed. XR-1, -2, -3, -5 through to -11 all sent to Guantanamo Bay all probably dead now."

"Well, that takes us to where we came into it," said Betty. To Lon: "What do we do? We can't let them send her to Guantanamo Bay to be imprisoned, tortured, and possibly even killed."

"Maybe Uncle Bertie can help," suggested Lennie.

"Maybe Uncle Bertie can help," agreed Shego/XR-4.

"Then it's unanimous," said Betty.

"Hey, I didn't get a vote," protested Lon.

"All right, you've been outvoted," said Betty.

"You've been outvoted," agreed the green woman.

They finished their lunch, then hiding Shego/XR-4 under a beach blanket, sneaked into the silver-grey Lexus, and drove well within the speed limits, till they reached Bertie's funeral parlour.

After humming and hawing for a moment, they finally told Bertie the truth about Shego's existence, including the fact that the Men in Black wanted to kidnap, torture, and possibly even murder her.

"Sis," said Bertie, "assuming for now that your crazy story is true..."

"Crazy story is true," affirmed Shego.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"We were hoping you could make her some kind of rubber, full face mask, so she'd look like a normal person."

"Oh, of course," said Bertie sarcastically. "The only problem is that I'm a mortician, not a prosthetics expert on the latest Mission Impossible movie. You'd be better off just dressing her all in black, Including thick black pantyhose, black gloves, with a hat with a full head thick veil, and say that she's in mourning."

"That might work for a few years, but wouldn't people in time query the fact that she's still morning?"

"Just tell them that she's European. In some of those European countries, widows mourn for the rest of their lives."

Lon and Betty exchanged uncertain looks, and then Betty said, "Thanks bro.," giving her brother a hug.

"Thanks, bro.," agreed Shego, giving Bertie a bear hug, making him go almost as green in the face as her, by the time that she finally released him. Then to everyone's surprise she kissed Bertie on the right cheek.

"Er, thank you, but I'm a happily married man," he protested. "Well, a married one anyway."

"Kissing is a way we show each other affection," pointed out Shego.

"Well, thank you," said Bertie, adjusting his tie nervously as the four people turned to walk back to the Lexus.

In the car, Lon said, "Perhaps we'd better go back to calling her Shego. If we introduce her as your European cousin, XR-4, people might twig. "

"People might twig," agreed the green woman.

"And word could get around to the Goons in Black."

"The Goons in Black," said Shego.

THE END

© Copyright 2023 Philip Roberts
Melbourne, Victoria, Australia