THE SUBSTITUTE

Bobby Montgomery, the owner of the general store in Goodwin Drive, Harpertown, was serving Margey Meadows, an attractive forty-something brunette, and her daughter Kathy, a gorgeous fifteen-year-old brunette when the door ting-alinged open. Looking up from his till, Bobby saw Donald Esk, a sergeant of the local police walk in.

"Be with you in a minute, Don," said Bobby.

Don Esk, was a tall powerfully built man with medium dark brown hair in a Beatle's Mop Top cut, and a long scar down the left side of his face. Instead of hurting his love life, it added it by making him seem mysterious looking to young women.

Locking the store door, Don flipped the open sign over to 'closed', then pulled down the blinds. First over the door, then each of the shop windows.

"Whatcha doin', Don?" asked Bobby Montgomery.

By way of answer, Don Esk pulled out his service revolver and shot dead Bobby, then Margey Meadows, making her daughter Kathy scream, and run toward the rear of the shop.

Unfortunately for Kathy, the store had no back exit. So Don easily caught her. When he grabbed her, she tried to kick him in the nuts, so he slapped her hard across the face twice.

"Calm down, you little cunt," said the Substitute.

Puzzled by the deep husky voice, Kathy said: "You're not Donald Esk!"

In answer, he slapped her twice more, then began tearing her clothes off, until she was naked. She kicked and clawed at him, but wasn't strong enough to stop him from holding her down to take her virginity violently, making her bleed more than necessary.

Then with her unable to struggle anymore, he rolled over and sodomised her brutally for half an hour before forcing his blood-and-faeces stained penis into her mouth.

She tried to bite it but found his penis to be as hard as stone, chipping a tooth as she bit it.

Once he had finished, and the young girl was coated in blood, faeces, and semen, he got up and walked to the front of the store.

When he opened the door there was a crowd of impatient shoppers waiting.

"Sorry, everybody," he said: "But the store is temporarily closed due to a death in the family."

The frustrated would-be shoppers turned and walked away. The Substitute walked around a corner and changed shape to look like an elderly woman, wearing a long blue-and-white striped dress.


Over at Deidre Morton's white weatherboard boarding house in Rushcutters's Road, Merridale, Deidre was laying out an immense breakfast for her guests as she liked to call her boarders: Colin Klein, a redheaded reporter from England, spending his long service leave hunting down Australian myths and legends -- and doing superbly at it in the Glen Hartwell to Willamby region. Terri Scott, a beautiful blonde, thirty-something policewoman in the local area, had just been promoted to head cop in the Glen Hartwell to Willamby area. Sheila Bennett, an orange-haired Goth chick, around the same age, had just been promoted to Chief Constable of the area, making her answerable only to Terri, and to Russell Street Police Station in Melbourne. Freddy Kingston, a short, fat balding retiree, a big science fiction fan. Tommy Turner, a reformed alcoholic - on orders from Deidre --, a short, obese man retiree with long blonde hair. Natasha Lipzing, a seventy-year-old, tall, thin, grey-haired woman, who had spent the second half of her life at the boarding house. She was a huge fan of murder mysteries and true crime magazines and liked to be kept up to date on any ongoing murder cases in the area.

There were also two short-term guests for the summer. Millie and Michael Lovejoy. Public servants enjoying their long service leave in Merridale.

Mrs. Morton was famous locally for her superb meals and extra generous proportions.

Apologetically, Deidre said:

"I'm afraid it's just waffles, pancakes, crumpets, muffins, or toast today. With a choice of whipped cream and raspberries, or blackberries. Cherry, blackberry, or strawberry jam. Or marmalade or maple syrup. So sorry but I overslept and didn't have time to prepare anything much."

"Do you think she's serious?" asked Terri.

"One never knows with Deidre," said Natasha, who had known her longer than all of the others put together.

"Is ee ood," said Sheila with a mouthful of waffle, whipped cream and raspberry jam.

"What did she say?" asked Terri.

"Either we're about to be invaded by the Ood," said Freddy Kingston, a Doctor Who fan, or 'this is good'."

"Is ee ood," repeated Sheila.

"No, we're definitely being invaded by the Ood," joked Colin Klein.

"Ejits," said Sheila.

"Okay, that one we got, Sheils," said Terri laughing.


They were still tucking into their sumptuous meal," when Jessie Baker (a tall, muscular redhead cop in the area), and Paul Bell (a tall lean raven-haired cop) arrived. Both of them were police sergeants.

"Why the glum looks?" asked Terri Scott.

"And why no sparkling bon mots like, 'He faw down', or 'Ha-ha, it is to laugh'?" asked Colin Klein.

"We've just had to arrest Donald Esk for murdering in cold blood Bobby Montgomery, and Margey Meadows," said an ashen-faced Paul Bell: "As well as ruthlessly raping fifteen-year-old Kathy Meadows

"Please tell me that this is your most badly timed joke ever?" begged Terri, as the others stared with their mouths open, forgetting to chew their food, or still holding it in their hands.

Almost crying, Paul simply shook his head.

"Has he admitted to it?" asked Sheila.

Again Paul shook his head.

"But witnesses saw him coming out of the store straight afterward," said Jessie Baker: "And the CCTV in the store clearly shows him doing it.

"Although Kathy says it wasn't him," said Paul: "She swears the perp. looked just like him, right down to the scar on his left cheek. But had too deep a voice to be him."

"Let's pray that she's right," said Deidre Morton.

"All right, Sheils, Colin, breakfast is over," said Terri, as the three of them stood up. She threw her car keys to Sheila Bennett, who for once missed catching them. Normally she never missed.


Over at the Mitchell Street Police Station in Glen Hartwell, Donald Esk was being held in the one security cell with iron walls instead of bars.

Paul slid open the communications slot in the door, but Terri said: "Open the door and let me in?"

"Are you sure?" asked Drew Braidwood a local constable with long stringy yellow hair.

Terri just glared at him, so Drew hurriedly opened the cell door.

Terri, Sheila, and Colin stepped into the cell and sat beside Don, who was crying.

"It wasn't me, Terri," he said.

Putting her right arm around him, she said: "We know that Don, and we're going to prove it."

"How?" he asked.

"Well, for starters Kathy Meadows says it wasn't you," said Sheila: "She said the man had a deep bass voice, not at all like yours."

"She's only fifteen ... the poor little thing," said Don: "Her opinion won't count for much if this comes to court."

"It won't come to court," assured Terri: "But we need you to give us a semen sample so that we can compare it to samples taken from little Kathy. To prove that they don't match."

"Of course," agreed Don Esk, cheering up a little.


An hour later they were at the Glen Hartwell and Daley Community Hospital, where Jesus (pronounced Hee-Zeus) Costello, the chief surgeon, and Elvis Green the local coroner were examining the samples under microscopes.

"Well?" asked Terri Scott.

"Well," said Elvis so named due to his long sideburns and devotion to the movies and music of Elvis Presley: "Not only do the samples not remotely match. But the rapist's sample is definitely not from a human being."

"What?" said Terri, Sheila, and Colin as one.

"No doubt about it," said Jesus: "In fact, I'm not even certain that it's from any known terrestrial animal."

"You're saying that Kathy was raped by an alien?" asked Sheila Bennett.

"Weeeeeell, not necessarily," said Jesus.

"But we can't really rule it out," said Elvis: "We really need the sample tested by an animal biologist."

"And we know where to get one," said Colin Klein.

"Not your old girlfriend?" asked the orange-haired Goth policewoman: "Rowr! Rowr!" she said sweeping her fingers like a cat's claws: "That's Totty and Terri when they meet again. Fighting over the man of the moment, Sexy-Legs Klein."

"Firstly, Totty is not my former girlfriend, we were only good friends," insisted Colin.

"Secondly," said Terri: "I do not claw like a cat when fighting. I pull hair ... would you like me to demonstrate, Sheils?"

"No thanks, I'll take your word for it," said Sheila, putting her hands on her head to protect her hair.


The next morning Terri, Colin, Sheila, Drew, and Jessie were waiting at the railway station at five to nine when the steam train pulled into the railway station at Theobald Street, Glen Hartwell.

Off the first carriage stepped a tall leggy brunette, with three large suitcases. Knowing the routine by now, Drew and Jessie each took one of the grey cases, leaving the larger black suitcase for Totty Rampling to carry. It contained her instruments and she never allowed anyone else to carry it. Totty, though only in her early thirties was chief animal biologist at the Melbourne Wildlife Safari Park.

"G'day one and all," said Totty kissing everybody on the right cheek.

Waiting until he got his kiss, Colin said, "In English, we say hello."

"I was using my best Aussie vernacular," explained Totty.

"Actually in Aus, we usually say hello, also," teased Terri.

"Rowr! Rowr!" said Sheila, waving her fingers like claws again.

"Ignore her," said Jessie: "She's got cancer ... of the brain."

Turning to face Jessie, Sheila said: "Rowr! Rowr!" Again she waved her fingers like claws.

"Told you," said Jessie, making everyone laugh.


Half an hour later they were at the Glen Hartwell Hospital. Totty Rampling had set up her own microscope and was examining the sperm sample taken from Kathy Meadows.

"Well, it's certainly not human," said Totty.

"Even we local yokels worked that much out," teased Jesus Costello.

"Easy, Lord," she teased.

"Hee-Zeus," he said.

"Gesundheit," said Totty. Making everyone except Jesus laugh: "Okay we'll it's not from any animal that I'm aware of. In fact, it's nothing like the semen of any animal on Earth."

"So, if we rule out animals and humans, what does that give us?" asked Terri Scott.

"We were thinking aliens," said Sheila Bennett.

"Not all of us," Jessie Baker was quick to respond.

"Well, before we go down that path we have to consider some type of yet undiscovered animal or hominid species."

"So you're saying that Big Foot or a Yowie did this?" asked Sheila.

"Weeeeeell?"

"Did we mention the shape-changing?" asked Colin.

"Shape changing?" asked Totty.

"It made itself look like Donald Esk, to murder two people and viciously rape a fifteen-year-old girl."

"Oh, my God," said Totty.

"The little girl was the first to say it wasn't Don," said Terri: "Because it had a deep bass voice. Nothing like Don's voice."

"Clever girl to notice that while she was being viciously raped," said Totty: "Well, at least we can state for certain that it wasn't Don Esk."

"That should at least keep the press off his back," said Colin. Unaware of just how wildly wrong he is.


Leaving Totty, Jesus, and Elvis at the hospital, Terri said, "We'll drop your suitcases off at Mrs. M.'s. I'm sure she'll be glad to see you back."

At Deidre Morton's house, they found the place swarming with reporters. The street was jammed with a dozen vans from each of Australia's main TV stations, plus newspapers, radio news services, and even some podcast news programs.

At the front of the media circus was gorgeous platinum blonde veteran reporter Lisa Nowland, whom they had encountered before.

Jumping up and down to get his attention, helped by her generous bust almost leaping out of her low-cut dress, Lisa called out: "Mr. Klein! Mr. Klein, do you remember me?"

"How could we forget you, Lisa?" asked Terri.

Looking puzzled, Lisa asked: "Have we met?"

"What do you mean have we...?"

"Calm down, honey," said Colin as they pushed past Lisa toward the door of the white weatherboard boarding house: "Lisa has a perfect memory for every man that she's ever met in her life. But five minutes after meeting a woman, she's forgotten her."

Pushing through the circus, they managed to struggle into the house, with Colin carrying one of Totty's cases; and Jessie the other.

Inside at last they put down the cases.

"Whose are those?" asked Deidre Morton.

"Totty Rampling she's back in town for a few days," said Terri: "Hopefully you can fit her in?"

"Well, of course I can," said Deidre beaming in pleasure. Walking into the lounge room, she announced: "Good news everybody, Totty's back."

"That hussy," said Natasha Lipzing.

"What's her problem?" asked Terri.

"She's angry at Totty for leaving me at the altar."

"What?"

"Not really, that was just Deidre and Natasha's matchmaking."

"Oh, I see. So after Totty left, they switched their attentions to me?" asked Terri.

"Yep, and if you hadn't worked out, it would have been Sheila and me next."

"What?" asked Sheila Bennett.

"Why do you think they were so keen to get you in here, Sheils? You were the standby in case Terri hadn't worked out."

"Oh," said Terri and Sheila together.

"Well, let's go face the music," said Terri, leading the way back outside.


"Have you seen this?" demanded Lisa Nowland. She held up a copy of that morning's Melbourne Recorder, The front page headline said: "Local cop, Donald Esk, murders two people, rapes a 15-year-old girl" By-line Lisa Nowland.

Grabbing the paper off her, Colin Klein read the front page then threw it back, saying: "Lisa, you might want to retract that. Sperm testing has proven that it wasn't Donald Esk, and the little girl has confirmed that!"

"What!" shrieked Lisa seeing her great story and possibly her media career going down the toilet.

At the back of the media circus, an elderly woman, wearing a long blue-and-white striped dress, listened on with interest.

"But ... but ... but...?" said Lisa.

"That's a lotta 'buts' for a three-word statement," said Sheila Bennett.

"Do I know you?" asked Lisa Nowland, pointedly.

"No, Lisa," conceded the orange-haired Goth chick.


In Ferguson Street in Perry township, Harry Hicks was running Hicks Grocery Shop, making out invoices, when in walked the ever hotter than hell Lisa Nowland, whom Harry had lusted after for more than thirty years. At sixty years of age, she was still gorgeous with long platinum blonde hair, a full-lipped Cupid's bow mouth, and stacked with a Jane Russell-style hourglass figure.

"You're Lis..." which was all he got out, before she sashayed over to him, pressed up close to him, and kissed him hard on the mouth, sticking her tongue into his willing mouth.

"Harold, are you...?" asked his wife, Zelda, stopping to stare in horror at the blonde floozy playing tongue hockey with her husband of thirty-five years.

"You, you trollop!" cried Zelda, charging at them: "You're that tramp that he's been pining over for decades. Sometimes when we do it, he shouts out as he cums, Lisaaaaaaa!"

She went to grab Lisa who turned to roar like a lion at Zelda, stopping her from running at her.

Then grabbing Zelda by the sides of the head, the Substitute gave a sharp twist and with a crunching of bones, Zelda's neck broke, and she fell to the floor, dead.

"Come on Big Boy," said the Substitute, dragging Harry into the back room.

His mind was clear enough to realise that Zelda was dead. But his lust for Lisa was too great to care. So he allowed himself to be led into the storage room to be stripped naked, then fellated to a full erection. Before the Substitute sat astride his impressive organ and bounced up and down saying: "Gee up little horsey."

Harry neighed in time to the bouncing, almost tearing her 34DD breasts off her chest in his lust.

"Giddy up!" she cried before he came inside her. Then she came and collapsed on top of him. "Did I call you a little horsey! You're hung more like a Clydesdale."

She cleaned his penis up with her mouth, then put her clothes back on and left the shop. She turned the sign on the door over to 'closed', she then explained to two women wanting to come in:

"They're closed due to a death in the family." Then decided to add: "His wife just passed away."

"Oh dear, poor Harold," said one of the ladies as they turned to leave.

She turned down into a side alley as Lisa, then returned as an elderly woman, wearing a long blue-and-white striped dress.

Inside the shop, Harold lay on the floor for eight minutes panting, before he realised the gravity of what he and 'Lisa' had just done. Then as he climbed to his feet, he suddenly remembered what she had done to his wife Zelda.

Hurrying back into his clothes, he raced into the store, shouting: "Zelda!" Hoping that he had imagined that part of it.

Until he fell over Zelda's body and literally came face-to-face with her corpse.

"Zeldaaaaaaaaa!: she shrieked before passing out.


When he recovered he immediately rang Terri Scott at Mitchell Street, Glen Hartwell, and told her what had happened.


Hanging up, Terri said: "It's happened again. This time Lisa Nowland killed Zelda Hicks and then raped Harry Hicks."

"What, but she's right outside," said Sheila. She went across to the window to confirm it: "Yes, she's right outside. Standing on the doorstep, she can't have done it."

"I know," said Terri: "But this is our chance to throw the fear of God into her."

"Weeeeeell ... okay," said Sheila.

"Opening the door to the street, she pulled Lisa into the station and said: "Lisa, how would you like an exclusive on the second murder."

Her blue eyes lighting up like sapphires she said: "You know I would."

"Then come with us," Terri said, tossing the keys to the Lexus to Sheila, which she caught expertly this time.

"You can sit in the front with me, Lisa," said Sheila, smiling sardonically.


Out front in Mitchell Street, they fought their way through the media circus, then climbed into the police-blue Lexus and took off toward Ferguson Street in Perry township.

"Vroom! Vroom!" said Sheila, making Lisa and Colin smile, and Terri frown at her.

"I'm telling you, she's the reincarnation of Jack Brabham," insisted Terri.


A short time later they pulled up at the Hicks Grocery Shop and walked into the shop. Where Cheryl Pritchard and Derek Armstrong two local paramedics were taking away Zelda Hick's body.

"That's her!" shouted Harry pointing at Lisa: "That's the evil bitch who killed poor Zelda and then raped me."

"What!" shouted Lisa Nowland: "I don't have to rape any man, I can seduce any man, gay or straight, on this planet."

"And trust me, she's had most men, gay or straight, on this planet," said Sheila.

Then seeing Harry Hicks racing around the shop counter, Jessie Baker grabbed him and pulled him away seconds before he could grab an illegal shotgun from behind the counter.

"It's mine!" shouted Harry.

Resisting the urge to slap him, since Harry's wife had just been killed, Jessie turned Harry around and cuffed his hands behind his back, then sat him down in a cane chair. He then opened the drawer under the reception desk and took out the shotgun, two illegal handguns, as well as four boxes of ammunition.

"We'll have these destroyed for you," advised Jessie.

"I didn't kill anyone," shouted Lisa, looking as though she was getting ready to run.

"We know you didn't, Lisa," apologised Terri: "It was just a bad joke that almost went horribly wrong."

"But I saw her, I had her," insisted Harry.

"No," corrected Terri: "You saw whatever made itself look like Donald Esk to kill two people and rape poor Kathy Meadows, and whatever made itself look like Lisa to kill poor Zelda and rape you."

"How do you know?" demanded Harry.

"Because the semen collected from poor Kathy not only didn't match Don's, but it wasn't even human."

"Wow, this is a scoop!" said Lisa taking her PC tablet out of her bag and starting to type: "'Fifteen-year-old girl raped by alien shape shifter!' What a title, I'll win a Pulitzer Prize."

"More likely a Rotten Tomato," said Terri.

"Do they give out awards?" asked Lisa.

"No, I meant people will throw them at you."

"Oh pooh to you," said Lisa, continuing to type out her latest story on her tablet. She said: "A Pulitzers for sure, maybe even a Nobel Prize ... Do they give out a literary award?"

"If they don't, Lisa, I'm sure they'll make one up, just for you," said Sheila.

"Oh good," said Lisa, not spotting the sarcasm.

To convince Harold Hicks that it had not been Lisa who killed his wife they watched the CCTV footage of the incident at his shop.

"See it's...?" began Harry, just before the Substitute suddenly roared like a lion as Zelda approached.

"What the Hell?" said Harold who had forgotten the roaring.

Sheila froze the film and said to Lisa: "Okay, Lise let's hear you roar like a lion."

"Row row," said Lisa, sounding more like an angry kitten.

"Now let's play the film again," said Sheila. She played the lion roaring part three or four times before Harry Hicks agreed:

"Okay, it can't be her. Can I have my shotgun back?"

"No!" said Terri, Sheila, and Lisa as one.

"It's an illegal firearm. Due to your tragic loss, we won't bring any charges against you. But the guns are being melted down." said Terri.

"But this is the countryside, we have wild animals!"

"When is the last time that an emu or kangaroo tried to rob your store?" asked Sheila.

"Or a wombat or a numbat for that matter?" asked Terri.

"Weeeell, never," he admitted.

"Then they're getting melted down," insisted Terri.

As they left, Terri apologised for putting Lisa in danger.

"So, do I get another exclusive on this story?" suggested Lisa Nowland: "As compensation."

"So now she remembers me," said Terri, making everyone laugh. "Okay, Lisa, as long as you print a retraction about Dona Esk, pointing out that semen testing has proven his innocence."

"Agreed!" said Lisa.


The next day they were gathered around scoffing one of Deidre Morton's magnificent and larger-than-life meals when the morning paper was dropped through the slot in the front door.

Deidre went to collect it. She read the front cover headline and flushed red in anger: "That cow!" she said.

"What?" asked Sheila Bennett.

"Here, see for yourself," said Mrs. Morton handing her the newspaper.

With Colin and Terri watching on, Sheila read aloud: "Donald Esk cleared of murders and rape. Police admit an Alien raped the little girl and killed two people."

Below the headline was a drawing of a traditional alien picture of a long oval grey face with huge oval eyes, and no ears.

Sheila continued: "By Line Lisa Nowland. Police have proof that the murders of Bobby Montgomery and Margey Meadows, and the rape of fifteen-year-old Kathy Meadows could not have been committed by local police sergeant Donald Esk. The semen sample taken from poor Kathy, not only was nothing like Sergeant Esk's sample but was not human or from any life form on the Planet Earth. This means that a shape-shifting alien rapist-murder, impersonated Sergeant Esk, as well as impersonation a gorgeous platinum blonde celebrity to rape Harold Hicks, after murdering his poor wife Zelda."

"I'll kill her!" said Terri, while the others did their best not to laugh.

Hearing a knock at the door, Deidre Morton went across to answer it, saying: "Donald, Stanlee ... you," before leading them into the dining room.

Seeing Donald Esk, smiling for the first time in a few days, they all raced across to hug him and kiss him on the cheek in the case of the women.

Then Sheila said: "Hello Stanlee," hugging him too. Then seeing Lisa Nowland: "You!"

"Why does everyone keep calling me that this morning?" asked Lisa.

"Lisa," warned Terri: "You might not be able to snarl like a tiger, but I sure as shit can. I can also catfight with the best of them."

"Aaaaaaaaaah!" screamed Lisa, turning tail to race back outside, with Terri racing after her. "What'd I do? What'd I do? I got your friend off the hook, didn't I?"

"And started a U.F.O. panic as well," said Terri. She stopped as Lisa ran across to her news van, climbed inside, and locked the door.


"Gee you're popular today, Lise," said her driver-cum-cameraman, Davo.

"Shut your gob," said Lisa.


Marnus Harvey, Georgiou McLaine, and Jayden Sumners were in Gordon Street LePage, heading toward the Free Love Sex Lounge, when they encountered the most gorgeous redhead whom they had ever seen. She was a hundred and sixty-five centimetres tall, with a generous chest, cinched-in waist, and a perfect heart-shaped behind. She wore a long red sparkly dress with a split from crotch to toes on the left side, cut so low at the front that her massive chest was almost falling out as she walked.

"Hello boys," she cooed, flashing her gorgeous green eyes at them.

"Hello Hotstuff," said Georgiou. Marnus and Jayden were too entranced by her 36DD breasts to be able to speak, let alone raise their eyes to her face.

"Are you looking for a good time?" asked the redhead.

"We were just on our way to the Free Love Sex Lounge, to have some fun."

Quite reasonably she asked: "How can it be free love if you have to pay for it."

"What do you suggest?" asked Georgiou.

"Well, to put it bluntly, I've got three holes in my body, and there are three of you. And I don't charge for it. Does that give you any ideas?"

"It sure does, said Georgiou, taking her by the left arm to lead her back toward their Holden van.

"You remind me of someone," said Marnus.

"Your mother," said Jayden.

"No, my mother's a frumpy brunette, not a superhot redhead," said Marnus not getting the sarcasm.

They helped her into the van and then climbed in with her. In minutes all four of them were naked.

Flashing her tail at them, she spanked herself hard once, then asked: "Who wants to fuck my arse first?"

"Me! Me!" said Jayden, crawling forward. He spat on his hands, wiped it on her sphincter, then slammed his penis hard into her with one thrust.

"Aaaaaaaaaah!" cried the Substitute, at first screaming, until it turned into a lustful sigh.

"I've still got two holes left, boys," she said, lifting her long, shapely left leg to allow Georgiou to get at her vagina.

Finally, Marnus slammed his massive meatus into her mouth and straight down her throat, refusing to let her hold onto it as she tried to do. Instead, he held her ears and started to fuck her throat ruthlessly.

Suddenly the Substitute bit down hard and chewed off Marnus's cock, and in one gulp swallowed it down

Marnus shrieked, blood spraying across the Substitute's face, hair, and generous chest.

Seconds later, she clamped her sphincter so hard that it 'bit' through Jayden's meatus, which with one clench she managed to withdraw up into her rectum. His blood sprayed across her perfectly shapen backside and the small of her back.

Then she clamped her vagina hard enough to chew through Georgiou's manhood. Blood sprayed across her vagina, belly, and legs.

"You evil witch!" shrieked Marnus leaping at her, but falling well short. He tried to crawl after her. But along with his blood poured out his life force.

The three men all tried to reach the gorgeous redhead as she backed away from them laughing. However, they soon collapsed from exhaustion and blood loss.

"Why?" asked Marnus, his final word.

"Why not?" asked the Substitute. It hurriedly dressed and raced off down the street,

"Hello toots," she said, fully dressed, but plastered in blood, as she ran past an elderly lady on her way home from late-night mass.

"Hello," said the blue-rinsed old lady, stopping as she realised that the young redhead was plastered in blood. She also realised where she had seen her before.


"Jessica Rabbit?" asked Terri Scott as they interviewed Delia Essex half an hour later.

"I know it sounds crazy, but it was Jessica Rabbit in the flesh who ran past me. Plastered in blood. Not the bunny rabbit Jessica from the lame-oh movie. But the jazzed-up, more human-looking one from internet porn cartoons. Not that I look at internet porn you understand..."

"Oh no, of course not?" assured Terri Scott.

"But anyway, that's who it was. The more realistically human version of Jessica Rabbit."

"Would you mind taking Mrs. Essex home, please Sheila?"

"Not at all," said the orange-haired Goth chick.

After they had left, Colin Klein said: "An eighty-year-old woman who surfs the Net for cartoon porn, and Jessica Rabbit on the rampage chewing the cocks off men?"

"Someone please show me the way out of the rabbit hole!" cried Terri.


At the Glen Hartwell and Daley Community Hospital, they watched Jesus Costello and Elvis Green performing autopsies on the men. Assisted by Totty Rampling.

"From what we can tell, only Georgiou McLaine's cock was bitten through by teeth. Jayden Sumners' was chewed through by her sphincter muscle."

"That's what I call muscle control," said Terri.

Ignoring her, Jesus continued: "And Marnus Harvey's organ was cut through by her vagina clamping closed on it."

"Jeez," said Colin: "I like a woman who can clamp, but that's taking it a bit too far."


Although it was nearly midnight Terri, Colin, Sheila, Stanlee Dempsey (a tall raven-haired local sergeant), Don Esk, Jessie Baker, and Paul Bell met at the small office at the Mitchell Street Police Station in Glen Hartwell to discuss where to go next.

"Where's Drew?" asked Terri.

"I gave him the night off," said Paul Bell: "I thought one of us should have a good night's sleep to be safe to drive tomorrow."

"Good thinking," said Terri.

"Does that mean I can have the night off?" asked Sheila hopefully.

"No, you're Chief Constable, Drew is a plain constable," said the blonde policewoman.

"Damn this promotion," said the orange-haired Goth policewoman: "I knew it would come back to haunt me."

"If you want to step down, I'll happily take over," offered Jessie Baker.

"That's kind of you ... but get stuffed," said Sheila.

"Okay, so commie cuts humour aside, what's our next move?"

"Some kind of curfew?" suggested Sheila.

"But this thing kills by both day and night," said Colin Klein: "So short of a Dan Andrews-style 24-hours a day, two hundred and sixty days curfew, it wouldn't work."

"If only the damn thing would limit itself to a single small town, like Upton or Lenoak, we'd have a chance," said Donald Esk: "But how do we enforce a curfew on Glen Hartwell with nearly five thousand people?"


It was three weeks later, during which time another dozen people had been murdered by the Substitute, and half a dozen more had been brutally raped when they finally caught up with the Substitute by sheer chance.

They were stepping into Bulam Bulam's grocery shop in Chappell Street, Harpertown just after breakfast one morning.

"I've got to buy some..." said Terri Scott, stopping as she came face-to-face with herself: "What the...?"

"She's the Substitute!" cried the Substitute, pointing at the blonde policewoman.

"No, she's not," she just came from..." started Colin Klein, not getting anything else out:

Before the real Terri shrieked in rage and raced at the Substitute.

"No, babe," Colin tried to warn her: "We'll never tell you two..."

Too late, the two Terri's were already going at it hellfire, kicking, punching, scratching, pulling each other's hair.

Sheila stepped into the store and asked: "What's going ...?" She stopped as she noticed the two Terris trying to kill each other.

"Sorry," Colin apologised to Bulam Bulam a grey-haired elder of the Gooladoo tribe.

"I've always wanted to watch a catfight between two hot chicks," said Bulam Bulam: "But not two Terris."

"Grab one of them," he instructed Sheila Bennett: "While I grab the other. Bulam Bulam, please ring through to Jessie Baker."

"You got it," said the old man as Sheila and Colin raced forward, each grabbing a different Terri.

"I'll rip your face off," said Terri number one: "For impersonating me!"

"Impersonating you, you're impersonating me," said Terri number two. Then to Colin: "Honey, you can tell I'm the true Terri, can't you?"

"No, you can tell I'm the real one, can't you?" said Terri number one.

To Sheila, Colin said: "This is a bit of a fantasy of mine ... being between two Terris. But the fantasy involves a bed and all three of us being naked."

"How dare you!" cried both Terris.

"Well, that didn't work," said Colin, making Sheila laugh and the two Terris glare at him.


Half an hour later they had the two Terris, back at the Mitchell Street police station, both cuffed, but in different parts of the station. Terri number one in the front office being interrogated by Stanlee Dempsey and Paul Bell. Terri number two in the solid steel-walled security cell in the back, was being interviewed with the same questions by Donald Esk and Drew Braidwood, while Colin Klein went back and forth between the two areas.


Stanlee asked Terri number one: "How did you and I first meet, Terri?"

"Damned if I can remember," said Terri number one.


Paul Bell asked: "Terri, how did you and Stanlee Dempsey first meet?"

"By bad luck as far as I can recall."


Stanlee asked: "How did I become a cop?"

"How the hell would I know that?"


Paul asked: "Terri how did Stanlee first become a cop?"

She shrugged then said: "I don't know ... He probably failed the exam to become a mall cop, and settled for being a real one, doing twice the work for a lot less money?"

"Actually, that's a good answer," said Drew: "We must remember to tell it to Stanlee."

"I'm sure he'd appreciate it," said Sheila.


They continued to fire off carefully prepared questions for forty minutes or more, without getting anywhere, before Colin said:

"Leave it to me, I've got the perfect question to separate them."

To Terri number one, he asked: "As my girlfriend, what disgusting, sexually depraved act did you and I perform together last night?"

"Hell," she said: "I can't tell that, you'd never live it down."


To Terri number two, he asked: "As my girlfriend, what disgusting, sexually depraved act did you and I perform together last night?"

"How dare you, you bastard!" she said: "I told you, I'm a virgin and intend to stay that way until I get married!"

"This is the real one," said Colin.

"So, the gobby one?" said Drew Braidwood.

"How dare you, I am the chief cop in this area you know? You're just one of my underlings!"

"Definitely the gobby one," said Colin Klein, getting daggers glared at him by Terri Scott.

"So are you two stooges going to uncuff me?"

"Not until we take care of the fake you," said Sheila Bennett.

"Oh, but I wanted to be there when you shot her," said Terri.

"Maybe it is the other one," teased Colin.

"Could be," teased Drew.


In the main area of the police station, Colin Klein said: "The real one is definitely the other one."

"You arseholes!" said the Substitute transforming into something akin to a black, oily shimmering phantom.

Without hesitation, the four cops pulled out their handguns and opened fire on the creature.

Roaring again like a tiger, it tried to transform into a tiger but was too weak from the loss of yellowy ichor which oozed from its wounds, instead of blood.

They continued shooting until the Substitute dissolved into a mess of black and pusy slime.

"Nice shootin' Tex," said Sheila Bennett.

"Well, how do ma'am," said Colin Klein, raising an imaginary hat to the orange-haired Goth policewoman.

THE END
© Copyright 2023 Philip Roberts
Melbourne, Victoria, Australia