A Crack in the sidewalk

Item_ID 2312470

Hmm... It looks like there is a crack in the sidewalk. I wonder if it is this cold weather that caused it. Doesn't matter. I know how the sidewalk feels, though, if it would have feelings. Like I feel with this crack in my heart. With Mom now gone, there is no one left who has known me all of my life as she did. Well, not entirely. She thought I would be a priest! Ha! I love women too much, Mom! Ok so, NOW you know. I'm not even sure about religion and all that now. It feels odd with Dad, Grandma, and now Mom being gone. Where is my anchor anyway?

No matter how much I traveled, or how far, I knew there was always home. Everyone from that generation is now gone. I feel somewhat empty, adrift. Maybe I do not feel anything. Is this one of the steps in grief? Hell, I don't know. The experts cannot decide on how many stages of grief exist. Let alone whether they are linear or nonlinear. It is probably circular. That's it. I feel like my emotions are like a hamster on a wheel, just moving but not going anywhere,

What difference does it make anyway? Just keep moving. Just keep breathing.

An analyst once told me, "Dealing with emotions is like body surfing. If you stand there and let the waves crash down on you, there are going to be problems. However, if you swim along with each wave, it will land you softly and safely upon the beach."

I had been planning on moving back home. I should have done it a long time ago. At least I was here holding her hand when she passed. Where is God in all this?

WHERE ARE YOU? What is the point? All this cancer, sickness, death, suffering, separation! Why do we have this so-called relationship with you, and yet all this stuff still goes on? And what is all this "Great Divide" thing the hospice nurse was talking about anyway?

"As you see your mom less and less while she is waiving goodbye while sailing on that boat on the Great Divide, she starts to see the others who have already passed over, and then she will start waving hi to them."

Is that supposed to make us feel better? Well, it doesn't.

"That's why I ask you to draw near to Me." Wait, what, who said that? Oh, that was me, my mind? Oh, I heard it in my soul. What? "The closer you draw to Me, that Great Divide will be no bigger than that crack in the sidewalk."

Oh! I'm sorry about these tears I now have Lord. It seems silly, but I cannot stop them. I now understand a little bit of what this is all about. You ARE the waves. You ARE the beach too.

You have taken me off that hamster wheel and have brought me home, to You!

Word Count; 501