Goodbye

Sometimes the darkness sings with the memories of whispered conversations
the air saturated with murmurs of our past.
Small bits of mundaneness that
make my chest ache with loneliness.
The dip in the bed that we made jigsawing our bodies together.
Your arm anchoring me to the bed and to my proper place in the moment.
I still smell you in the quietest part of the night, when the day is gone
and with it the armour of indifference I wear like a scab on my pain.
I miss you most in the night, when i am soft and unguarded.
I hate you most when I know I will be stained by you forever.
I will never have that part of me to give to anyone else.
I hurt the most when I am alone.
Because I know that I was ALWAYS alone.
When all that I had to give couldn't begin to be enough.
I hate myself the most when I know that I still need you.
I long for you the most when I have an ordinary day.
When the children are clean and the couch is soft and warm.
I hate that this life we made was just a stopping place for you.
That you could wake to other dawns, that my memory doesn't haunt you.
I hate that i hurt so much, that i want so much for you to miss me.
I breathed you in and you altered me forever, my skin will keep this bitter taste
I hate that you don't know that i curl into myself at night and pray
I am tired of my whole existence being a memory of you,
the taste of you always on my lips
The smell of you always on my hands.
The image of you burned into my eye so everywhere i look i see you.
I hate that my heart is still faithful and that my body follows suit
I hate that I love you in spite of everything
Why cant i just say goodbye? October 2005