dig these blues. we're all fucked up.

~INFODUMP~

7 years old - I Overdose on children's Tylenol. I had my stomach pumped with charcoal. they don't make them bubblegum flavor anymore, now do they? haha

Parents divorced- Mom doesn't want to do cocaine anymore, Dad does. I think that's the jest of it.

I was 11 years old when I first entered the United States Court system. My younger sister and I had gotten caught experimenting and I was prosecuted as a sexual offender before I turned 12. It was only hands stuff. Not like that makes it any better, but I can't say for sure if either of us knew what we were doing. My current therapist seems to think something probably happened to me before that. I've considered that, but can't or don't want to remember. I ended up serving 5 years of probation with a court mandated counseling twice a week. 5 years, due to truancy and being in and out of Juvenile Detention Centers in and around the DC area.

I worked at MarketPro computer show and sales on the weekends at 12 years old for maybe 6 months . 12hrs saturday and 12 hrs Sunday. I ended up getting fired for stealing a handful of 4mg ram sticks and not paying for a 17" MAG monitor.
Around that time UO came out. I would steal people's account information and sell their gold and houses on Ebay. I used my neighbors credit cards to pay for my account. My buddy and I figured out that if we never talked in game; there were no logs of anything happening. We would just talk on the phone instead of in game. These are some of my best childhood memories. I felt like I was good at something.

Somewhere in there (13 maybe?), I tied my nuts to a doorknob and Mom yanked the bedroom door opened. (It's okay, you can laugh) They call this a torsion. I lost old lefty after he swelled up to the size of a grapefruit. Man, there were so many doctors and nurses. You ever have the dream where you are naked in school? Shit. I lived it. But, I learned how to jerk off after that! Thanks MOM!

Fail 8th grade 3 times. drop out of school @ 15

16 years old Mom gets brain cancer. She dies 3 months after diagnosis. I went to visit her in the hospital right before she passed. She told me to quit smoking and that no means no. I don't have real good memories of her. i doubt she had any idea of how bad all of this would end up fucking me up. CVS job. Helping pay rent.

Sister goes with Aunt. I get to go to National Role Models of America, a boot-camp for juvenile delinquents in MD; so Dad could continue his crack habit. I figure out that If i get in enough fights they will expel me. I end up back with Dad after a few months of living in military school. Dad gets a new crack smoking buddy and I make some new friends in Dumfries,VA. Me, my dad, and my (uncle) dads twin brother have some interesting crack adventures together until I start selling drugs, dad gets paranoid and I'm homeless for who knows how long.

Get GED at 17 Working full time here on out.
Enroll in NOVA. can't get to school reliably. give up.

Druncle Paul brings me South to work construction for crack. I want money. I start working at Subway and drinking. i get kicked out couple months in living with Paul and Dianne. Homeless again. Meet Carly, get apartment. everything is great until its not. carly wants me to initiate sex more. I open up and we break up. Start using again/drinking. homeless again. 3 jobs, sleep under pier.

Hotel Robberies- The hunt for the Mexican guy. Still homeless running wild.

next apartment. all good until its not.

10 years pass. uneventful. drinking/drugging I'm able to have several LTR and no issues initiating sex. GO ALCHOHOL! GO COCAINE GO OXY!

Dad comes to FL! hey dad, long time no see! what do you want? i thought you've been in bed smoking crack all these years! Dad escaped from his GF. She doesn't know he moved 12 hrs.' away in the middle of the night! hahaha nice move dad!!! I guess Karen thought he was bed ridden.

It's cool. Dad showed me suboxone, so I quit Oxy. I still take subs to this day. Weird thing about suboxone is it makes you not drink either, so I'm basically sober.

Got fucked up over O for a little while. on and off. I ghost. Trauma reappears here. not sure why. Tried powering through in gym, tried affirmations, church. Crime worked, Cocaine worked and credit card fraud worked. Caught a wire fraud charge. 3 years probation. Violated once. Good thing they didn't find out about the restaurant or the kickdoor. She hurt me, or I hurt myself and wanted to hurt more people because it made me feel better. Lot of collateral damage here. I'm better now. needed time, took time. started sobriety. still sober. Don't want want to repeat this. Mis? diagnosed bipolar here. Medicated for a while, losing a lot of hours in the day due to seroquel. I stop taking it.

TRT/B12 begin 1/24 Nice results. drop a bunch of weight. have 6 pack. still 0 self esteem.

Decide to try a date semi recently. goes alright. Too excited. Ignore red flags. try one more. pulls back. bad vibes, man. Meh. trauma? who's? mine? dunno. no problem. Not drinking. Not using. set appt with SMA. here. waiting list.

Druncle Paul just keels over, recently. He was in a bad way. On oxygen and still partying it up with his 02 bottle. they found him on the kitchen floor in July. Did not visit Diane. I called her.

Aug t vacation. drive eat some food, Right on time.

Make some new friends @ Freemasons dinner. I'm invited back 9/5. Maybe i'll join. ??

Excited to meet Arielle, this week. ready to feel some love and give some love. Maybe a little to myself, even.

Let the healing begin. I'm pumped.

Will, it's not your fault, Will.