Please excuse spelling and grammar mistakes |
Nothing to see here Please keep moving on It's just an accident But not the kind where sirens sound I only meant to dip my toes in But i fell in deep. So many things and words I want to say My head is just buzzing. I am drowning. Overwhelmed But not worried About figuring it all out. I dont need a plan. Everything slipped away. None of it fucking matters anyway. I am not your saviour I am more fucked up than you. Oh there was so little left of me You found that spark No one had looked long enough to see. It was terrifying To be ripped apart By the voices inside my head There was no visual wounds But it all came flooding out of me. I can't describe the crisis I lived it But I was barely there. I finally hit the bottom Of a long downward spiral. That sea of grief and pain. Watching myself make the same mistakes Over and over and over. The place where they sink their teeth in Where their claws Pick away at me. I met everything That haunted me The ravaged wasteland inside. I lived in the two timelines. I surrendered. I discovered duality. More than cognitive dissonance. The trauma ate me alive. Trying to smile on the surface But inside everything is screams. Alarms going off everywhere. Utter and complete panic. Memories like maggots Hatching and infecting my mind. Without denial to protect me All my pieces fell to the floor Layers after layers Shedding away. Cycles of death and rebirth. Lost in the space between. In all the darkness You were the blinding light. My deus ex machina. A punch in the face. Thrown into reality. Nothing left but the bones A Skeleton Crawling from the depths of me. Screaming. Crying. Bleeding. The shreds that survived the fire. I suffocated On all the words I never said. They clawed and ripped my chest. Invisible but killing me. In the end I wish I had just let it out. So scared of getting into trouble. But it's not about the good or bad Its what you can get away with. It was all rotting inside of me An unholy decay. Infected flesh Boiling and burning away. Poisoning anyone that came close. Scaring most of them away. I held onto my nightmares I kept horrific demons at bay. To not know what voices were real To meet the shadows that controlled me. Screaming for help But no words come out. Their hands like vices Holding me by the throat. All those things I thought were true. Gripped in a make believe. Can you see it like I do? Reality unraveled in my hands, A tangle of lies I thought were truth, Societal constructs Each one cutting deeper into the marrow. I choked on the taste. Destabilised. The bile and hatred pouring out of me. Raw and uncontained. All that pain. Fraying away As my fingertips Desperately cling on. My hands are bloody and cold. We are born alone, we die alone. The in between is just a maze of illusion. In the end No one can save you from yourself. |