I Hope You Get Better

You say I’m helping,
but there are new cuts on your hands.
You say I’m helping, but your showers burn.
You say I’m helping, but you won’t open up to me.
You say I’m helping, but lately,
it feels like I’m doing nothing at all.

I know, I know.
I shouldn’t make this about me.
I know you’re struggling, and I know you’re in pain,
but I’m in pain too.
I have to watch my beautiful best friend hurt herself.
I have to watch her hate herself.
I have to see her suffer at the hands of her dad.
I know you have it worse,
but can you let me help you make it a little less bad?

Because right now, it feels like I’m not helping.
If I were helping, you’d be smiling.
Your dad would be a father, not a monster.
You’d have clean hands,
and you’d see how beautiful you are,
because you are.
You’d still love to bake.
You’d live in Ontario and be best friends with Issy.

Lately, I’ve been struggling too.
And I know you’re struggling even more.
The only way I’ll feel better about myself
is if I can help you.

So please, let me help you.
I want to help you heal.
Because when I was at my worst, no one was there to help me.
I know what it’s like to feel unwanted,
stupid,
ugly,
depressed.
And I can’t stop thinking:
What if I hadn’t gotten better?
What if I stayed in that place?

Honestly, I’m still struggling.
I haven’t healed.
I still feel ugly, unwanted,
and like a waste of space.

But I want you to get better.
Because if I keep watching you struggle,
it might ruin me.
What if you turn out like me?
Fifteen, with no friends,
fifteen, with bad grades,
fifteen, the person who used to be good at school.

But I won’t give up.
I’ll keep fighting for you,
even when I feel like I can’t fight anymore.
Because you’re worth it.
You’re worth every ounce of my love,
even when it feels like I’m failing.
And even when it feels like I’m doing nothing,
I’m here.
I’ll keep showing up.
And I’ll help you heal,
because you deserve it.