Happily Dead

A man recounts his experiences.

"Life was boring, for quite a while. Time didn't seem relevant, nothing did. Day to day didn't exist, it just felt like there was movement without a purpose. That didn't feel disheartening, though. I fully understand, there are periods of non-activity we just have to get used to. Perhaps it's a soft-reset of the mind, perhaps it's to let us relax, perhaps it's to prepare us for the future. I spent so much time just checking off boxes. I had a job, I had a place to live, my bills were paid. If you asked me if I had fun and enjoyed life, I probably would have said "Yes," but realistically, I just kept walking downstream, waiting for the waves to pull me under. If there ever was a moment where I hoped for an awakening, it was here. To pull me back, to tell me my monotony was just a dream. Not even a nightmare, just one of those dreams where you feel you had so much potential for this world you had created, for yourself, but you wasted it."
"I don't know what changed, it felt like there was a pivotal moment where I just decided it was time to live for myself. It was like, I wanted this universe to start working for me, rather than me spending my existence just as a cog in the wheel. Always doing what felt safe, rather than what felt fulfilling. It started with small gestures, little changes in my routine. I started eating breakfast in the bathroom, before I showered. It felt so illegal to do so, but the fact I was able to do so..... and no consequences, it felt so liberating. I knew I couldn't restructure the entire world, in a moment, but I could take control over something small like this. Something nobody would understand, but wouldn't hurt anybody. That was the point. The world doesn't end just because you take your last bite of am omelet as you step inside the shower, then taking an empty plate to the kitchen once you've toweled off. It was just defiance, on the smallest scale. It told me, I had control. I could change the paradigm. If I could do something, this small, with no consequences, perhaps I could make bigger.... more fulfilling changes."
"It felt like I was giving the universe permission to change me, to change my direction, I would follow along, but only if I agreed on the direction. Surprisingly, it seemed to comply. There wasn't a clear direction, so it all felt a little disjointed. But there was hope. I started a conversation with a woman, while waiting for a crosswalk light to change. There wasn't legit interest, I just needed to prove to myself I could. When she responded warmly, it was all the confirmation I needed that I was on a solid path of change. I started to feel better, lighter, and at the same time, more grounded and driven. I was going to make a mark on this world."
"But the weird thing is, no matter how much control you think you have. Sometimes, the best things happen when you have no input on the situation. My goal, that day, was to ask my boss for a raise. It was the first time I had ever felt like I deserved something, and I wasn't afraid of the outcome. I would either get the raise, or I would find something else. I knew I would land on my feet, the idea of real change became intoxicating. I wasn't afraid of change, in fact, I craved it."
"As I walked into the office, it was such a short conversation, I can't even give the proper details enough reverence to flesh out a full interaction. Long story short, I asked for a raise, he said no, I said I was out, he shook his head and said I should suit myself. That was a blow. I expected him to drop to his knees and beg me to stay, I expected him to deny me and I would launch into a convincing monologue as to how I was the best employee he had, how the company could potentially collapse without me, how I was all he had. But instead, he was willing to let go. I still knew I'd be fine, I just didn't know where to go from there. I didn't even know what I did. I just knew I did it well, and it was for a long enough period where I felt I had earned a bit of tenure."
"So, as the story always seems to go, I wrestled with depression, anxiety, sadness, regret, they just ping-ponged around my head as if a battle royale had ensued and each extreme emotion was trying to edge out a victory. The fight felt intense. This was the opposite of control, this was the opposite of taking an active role in my life. This was me getting rid of something solid and stable, and while it wasn't an ideal situation... it allowed me to have time to plot my future moves."
"So, I wandered into a restaurant. I think it was called GiGi's.... I remember thinking it was odd, because it looked like Applebees, but had a stripper's name. I don't know what compelled me to go in there, that day. I guess, it was the fact I needed a little levity to try to give my depression a buoy to float upon. So, I made my way inside and tried to find my table. I let my mood decide that my table would become the one in the far corner. I took a seat and waited for my order to be taken."
"GiGi's reminded me of my days, in college, when my friends and I would pool our money together, order the 2-for-1 appetizers and eat like kings for one night, while resigning ourselves to Ramen packets for the rest of the month. I lost myself in nostalgia, so much, I didn't even notice the server standing at my table. She smiled down at me, clearly amused that I was someplace else, mentally. She even chuckled as my first few sentences sounded like anything but a native speaker of the language."
"You doing all right?" She chuckled, through a smile.
"Yeah, I uh, thinking just... with the thoughts, you know. Nostalgia. How about you?" The words stumbled out of my mouth as though they were drunk.
"I get that, sometimes nostalgia is the best way to frame the present, am I right?"
"What present? Is it your birthday?"
She laughed and shook her head, "I'm going to give you a few minutes to look at the menu. You're clearly not ready to order."
"She was right, I was not in the right head space yet. But, it wasn't my situation I was flustered by. For a moment, I forgot about bills, I forgot about feeling like I had become overconfident and humiliated myself and lost my own job. I forgot that's why I wandered in here. I even forgot if my stomach was even growling. The anxiety, sadness, and hunger, were replaced with something new. It wasn't quite butterflies, but it was the fact I had no control over my words around her. I have never been confident, but I was always clear in my intentions. This was a moment where all that betrayed me. I felt like I was sinking further into a shell of who I was. I cursed my decision to 'take control of my destiny' as my destiny had already been set. I was to be less than, my whole life."
"I folded my arms and put my head down, My instinct was to scream, just try to get something out. I thought the better of it, just a deep groan escaped my lungs."
".... okay, I'm going to guess you still haven't looked at the menu."
"I rose, with a start, to see my waitress staring at me. The amused look still on her face, a little hint of concern but, the confidence on her face said she knew exactly how to handle this situation, even if I had no idea what was happening."
She leaned down and started paging through the menu, "There's a lot of good stuff in here, if you just start looking through."
I nodded.
"Hey, listen." She looked right in my eyes, "I don't know what brought you in here, I don't know what you're going through. I'm not a therapist, I've never met you before, I don't know your story. All I know is food, at least.. .as long as I'm clocked in here. But, I do believe in the healing properties of food. I guarantee, if you can focus on this menu, focus on what you want, and let me bring it to you. By the time your plate is empty, you'll have a whole new perspective on life."
She smiled warmly. Always warmly. Always like she saw something beyond my eyes.
"And if you don't have a new perspective," she continued, "At least you have a full belly to give yourself the energy to fully collapse into depression." She gently guided the menu into my hands as I started to look through it.
"Um... I... could I have the Steak, medium, mashed potatoes and a hot dog?"
She gave me a confused look, "A..... hot dog. With a steak and potatoes. You want your meat food group, your veggie, and whatever conglomeration else to fill in the blanks? I mean, I can do that for you.. it'll be an extra up charge but... no, wait. No. I just gotta see this. The hot dog is on me. But whether you like it or not.... you gotta give me one big tip for this."
I smiled and agreed, "Oh yeah... I'll give you the tip. The big tip. All of it."
A gigantic, self-assured smile crossed my lips. My eyebrows bounced, I made a clicking sound with my mouth. I tried to be charming, as the smile remained on her lips but her eyes changed. She processed what I had said way before I did. She shook her head, looked up at the ceiling, pointed her pen at me in a "shame, shame" type of way and walked away. I took a deep breath, and then it happened, I achieved comprehension. THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?

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"Don't laugh. Do NOT laugh. Do not."
"You need to remember, I'm in mourning."
"Sit here with me, in this. This is not a playful romp through a RomCom. This is my fucking life."

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"As I became cognizant of what I just said to her, I was mortified. I cringed so hard, I felt like a snake trying to shed its skin. Perhaps crawling on my belly, for the rest of my life was what I had deserved. She had been nice, she had been patient and here I am... my first coherent sentence. My attempt to show appreciation for her assistance, was a proposition... immediately followed by facial tics that are normally charming, but in this context, I wouldn't be surprised if I was tossed out of here. Or at the very least, she would ask someone else to finish serving me. I at LEAST deserved that."
"But she was right... my stomach was growling... I was hungry. No."
"That isn't a growl."
"That's anxiety again."
"Why was I anxious again? What happened today? What I was escaping? Where was I? How.... No. The thought of that being our only interaction. That was the thought that caused my stomach to feel emptier."
"My fears were alleviated when she returned, a few moments later. She handed me a glass of water."
She reached into her pocket and grabbed a straw, "So, I.... I forgot to ask what you wanted to drink, and I felt dumb returning with nothing so.... here's some water. Can I, get you anything else?"
I pointed at the Coke logo, in the menu, afraid to speak and say something else completely inappropriate. I had no faith in my brain-mouth connection anymore.
"Pointing like a caveman, eh? You sure are cycling through eras today, aren't you?" She giggled, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just... something about your face feels so familiar. I just feel a little more comfortable giving you shit-crap.... I'm on the clock. Crap. Heh, Um... sorry. Um, I'll be right back with your Coke."
This time, she walked away, again shaking her head, but looking down at the ground.
"I watched her walk away..... how did I manage to salvage that? Was pointing at the Coke logo, somehow charming? I dunno, perhaps in a childlike wonder way. But wait... wait.... wait."

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"I know you're looking at me with an amused look. That will go away."

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"Somehow, I just.... I realized she was flustered, in much the same way I was. Sure, she didn't accidentally imply sex with me, but she had trouble speaking as well. She said she felt comfortable enough to give me shit. I didn't even know this girl..... I had just met her..... "
"But I had known her for much longer. Not here, not in the world, but in my heart. But maybe that was the emotional roller coaster speaking. I remembered my reason for coming in. My failure. I wrote this off as my heart searching for a meaning in the din. Some sort of reason why this happened. Some kind of hand up, in a world of letdown. It wasn't enough to keep me stable, but it was a net for me to fall in. A little bounce, at the end of the fall."
"The restaurant manager, himself, delivered my food. Also caught off guard by the hot dog inclusion. I spent the rest of my night searching for her, with my eyes. Every so often, I would see her waiting another table. I wanted to wave her over, but I had nothing to add. Nothing order related at least."
"I did decide, I wanted to make sure she received the gratuity personally. As I was leaving, after I paid. I walked up to her and held out some cash."
"Hey," I managed to say, "Um... thanks for being there. You're right, after eating, my perspective has changed. I just... wanted to make sure you got my ti-"
Her lips curled into a smile.
"THE GRATUITY!" I screeched, "I'm so sorry, I can't.... I can't speak today. Just like, take money, please."
She laughed, "Thank you. I hope to see you here again, sometime. I accept your..... heh... your gratuity."
I saluted.

"SALUTED? Yes, I saluted. It was the most suave thing I could think of, at the time. I had got from sadboi, to confused by, to possible creeper, to pointing like a child at the children's menu, to a freaking boy scout. I had to leave, I had to escape this situation. I had to get back into the world. I had to let this embarrassment fade."
"But as I walked out of the restaurant, I looked back. I couldn't see her. But I couldn't feel embarrassed. I couldn't feel shame. I couldn't feel anything, but exactly what she had promised. That interaction, that steak, that moment.... good or bad. My perspective, had, indeed changed."