Whine & Cheese Co. Letters No 3

LETTERS OF COMPLAINT

Here are the letters of complaint folks have written to the Customer Care Department of The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc and the response the staff have written back.

Hope you enjoy the banter.
_______________________________

31. I cannot take it anymore!

Dear Mr. Whine and Cheese Man Sir...

When I have hamburgers, I want pickles on them. Mmmm... pickles, enough to add crunch to any yummy hamburger! However, I'll open the refrigator and there stands my arch-nemesis, the bane of my very existance... the pickle jar!


I am a weak man. Okay, maybe weak is not the best word to use... more like puny . It's not my fault, just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I can bench 200! I remember Abraham Lincoln more than Ah-nold Schwagen-hammer, and I cannot open that god-forsaken jar!

I'll struggle, and struggle and struggle, but to no avail, for the pickles are teasing me from inside their delicious juices! And... And...And I have to ask someone else for help. Of course, everybody else can open the jar. From my dad to my mom to my 85 year old arthritic grandmother who pops it open and yells "Yeh Sonny! I'm Diesel!!!" (Probably the most distrubing thought of the year right there).

Why do the pickle jar people close it so tight? Is there some kind of conspiracy where fat-cat pickle executives sit around a smoky cigar-filled room and say "<puff puff> Let's make sure Nate cannot eat his pickles and looks like a girly-man" Well let me tell you Mr. Pickle Executive, I don't need you to look like a girly-man! I can do that all by myself! <starts to sniffle> So... why are they so tightly closed? and Mr. Whine and Cheesey Man... if you have a chance <hands you pickle jar> I want a hamburger... <puppy face>

~Nate

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC,
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Head Whiner

Dear Nate,

Nate, Nate, Nate…tsk, tsk. Bless yore heart, had a break with reality, have we? (See "Invalid Item"  for explanation to “Bless yore heart.”)

You know, it’s interesting that some folks like pickles on thair hamburger and some folks don’t. Don’t you find that interesting? I do. I did a study on that very subject one time and I talked with every student in the Red House Schoolhouse and I found out that ever’one, not just part of ‘em, but ever’ stinking one of ‘em…I mean ever’one from 1st through 12th grade, uh, no, that’s 1st through 9th grade ‘cause Harley Jr. dropped outa the 12th grade to join the army. But I mean all 28 students, ever’one of them either liked or didn’t like pickles on thair hamburger. So, that proves that pickles is a issue with folks here in Red House.

But, Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate. Thairs a very easy solution for this issue. Just go the MacDonalds, they say “have it your way.” I mean, you kin say, git them pickles off’n my Big Mac and they’ll take ‘em off. Or you kin say, “load er up” and they’ll load er up fer yu. Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate, bless yor hart, this ain’t rocket science. Tell granny to stop rattling on ‘bout how she kin open nem pickles. Tell pop to take a hike, or maybe tell him yu gonna take a hike down to MacDonalds, and order up them Big Macs with double pickles.

Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate, Nate. Life is short. Don’t be controlled by your pickle fettish. Break the bonds to freedom. Stand up and be counted. Be yor own man. When the going get’s tough, the tough gets going. Take the high road. A man what don’t lie ain’t got nothing to say. Know what I mean, Nate? Yes, that’s right. Order a case of our Christmas Gift Packs!

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner-in-chief


_______________________________________________



32. Smooshy People

You know what I can't stand? Smooshy couples. By "smooshy," I mean "mushy." You know what I'm talking about. You've probably even been half of a smooshy couple once (don't deny it; we've all made that mistake). The girl is always blonde and blue-eyed, and she always smiles too much, and she always, always carries around the stuffed animal that Smooshy Boyfriend bought her for her birthday...three years ago. And the boy is always soft-spoken and polite and obsessive about his Smooshy Dumpling and he drops off the baseball team because Smooshy Girlfriend likes volleyball more.

When you think of Smooshy Couples, think of: Jack and Rose from Titanic. Or Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in, hmm, any random movie. Or the kids on Dawson's Creek (if anyone remembers that show). Or the hero and princess in fairytales. Or me and my boyfriend from freshman year. *shudders*

I know this Smooshy Girl and Boy couple. Let's call them Ben and Geri. Now, whenever Ben is going off to class, Geri just has to throw herself into his arms and bury her head into his shoulder. Because they're separating for a whole forty-five-frikkin-minutes! Because Ben has to face the horrors of Calculus without her! As if they're Jack and Rose and the Titanic is sinking! "Promise me you'll never let go, Ben," Geri pleads as Ben steadily turns blue, her arms bound tight around his windpipe. "No matter how hopeless." Now, I don't want to sound bitter (yet), but isn't that a bit much? Even for a Smooshy Couple?

And everywhere they go, their arms are linked. Like, if their skin is not touching constantly, they're incomplete. And they write smooshy poetry about each other. And it's not just smooshy, oh no, they don't stop there. It's rhyming smooshy poetry! Smooshy poetry that has lines like "You are my fire, the one desire" or something of the like! (This is how I knew the Backstreet Boys weren't really single before anyone else figured out they had girlfriends... because they are all very smooshy boys who sing sappy, lovey-dovey, obsessive songs! They aren't the Backstreet Boys! They are the Smooshy Boys!)

I'd like to see, just once, a Smooshy Person forget an anniversary. Because they don't. Ever. When they buy calendars, they don't mark their birthday first. They don't even circle Christmas first. They mark their anniversary first! And some of them--the really smooshy ones--mark that anniversary monthly! "Ben, guess what today is," Geri purrs. And it would be excusable, even humorous, if Ben had no clue and he got that dumb expression on his face reminiscent of indigestion. But instead that slaveboy replies with completely earnest Smooshiness, "It's our anniversary. It's been exactly seven months, two weeks, five days, one hour and thirty nine minutes since I asked you out on our first date!"

They are not cute. They are not lovable. They make me want to vomit. I have not seen so much sugary affection since the last time I watched an episode of Care Bears. And that was in the late 80s, ok?

And did you notice that, usually, the more beautiful a couple is, the more perfect they look together, the more smooshy they are? And I'm not just saying this because I'm ugly. I'm saying it because it's true, and because I'm ugly. But all of the Smooshy Geris of the world are leggy and tan and have faces like Britney Spears (who is yet another Smooshy Person, but that whole thing is another rant altogether). And all of the Bens of the world are preppy and clean-cut and look like supermodels for Abercrombie & Fitch. Which is usually what they tend to wear, because their Smooshy Girlfriends always buy them overpriced gifts (ie, Abercrombie and Fitch sweaters, Tommy cologne, candy, stuffed animals [we're getting sadder and sadder as the list goes on from there]).

I just can't stand to look at Smooshy Couples. Have you ever seen them sing to each other? Most Smooshy People can't sing at all. I mean, look at Jewel, who is a great talent. Is she Smooshy? No, not at all. Now, look at, for instance, Joey McIntyre. Smooshy? Yes. Talented? Um...

Smooshy People wear coordinated sweater-sets, and they spend entire phone conversations whispering "I love you" back and forth (I see no logic in this), and they watch predictable Julia Roberts movies together ("Runaway Bride") and gasp in surprise and happiness when she ends up with Richard Gere. And they kiss a lot. Publically. With no regard for the weak stomaches of innocent bystanders. And they feel like people care about how wonderful their last date was. And they talk about their Smooshy Partner constantly. And they revolve around that person. They always gaze into each others' eyes so deeply... as if trying to find treasure in the back of their brain. And there's no treasure back there. There's not even a brain back there.

And they're so freaking codependent and needy and sappy and happy!

And I'm not just saying this because I'm a frigid, cynical, obese grump, either.

The Poisoned Apple




THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Ms. Poisoned Apple,

Huh? I mean, I’m not sur I kin understand all that you done wrote. We don’t have no smooshy people here at The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. Bubba, he air totally unqualified to be smooshy couple. He ain’t even half of a smooshy couple. Take me and Irmalene. We got 14 youngans running around the house age from 8 months to 16 years old and so you can understand that we ain’t got no time for smooshing.

Now, I’m not sure I know all these people you talk about. Jack and Rose, you say they from Titanic. Is that in Mississippi or Alabama, I heard of that town, but I don’t thank I know really where it is. Then there’s Dawson Creek. We got Whitesand Creek and Jaybird Creek and one or two more, but I never been swimming or fishing on Dawson Creek. Who is Richard Gear and Julia Roberts? Do they go to your school. I know they don’t live here in Red House cause the only Roberts we got here is Robert Roberts and he don’t have no daughter named Julia.

Now, don’t you thank you a little hard on Ben and Gen? Sounds like they just like one anuther and you coming down kinda hard on ‘em. Maybe you kinda like Ben? Little jealous of Gen? I find that when somebody criticize somebody, they generally kinda like ‘em.

You do carry on don’t you? My, my, and you know a lot of people. I guess it’s more of your friends like Britney Spears, and Tommy Calogne. Now I have heard of Albercrumbie and Fitch cause I saw them perform one time at the Plaza Theatre right here in Red House. Course they wuz on the film, but they do sang right good.

And, we don’t have many runaway brides, but we do quite often have a groom what tries to sneak out before the wedding. The Papas wit duh shotguns always brang ‘em back. Irmalene’s Papa had to fetch me three times before the wedding til finally he jest give the shotgun to duh preacher till after the wedding.

You been fussing bout a lot of stuff that I don’t rightly understand. But I will say that this smooshing don’t seem to be too bad. But, what I don’t like is all this kissing in public and holding on to one anuther and a staring at each other and a feeding each other, eating off each other’s plate and sucking outa the same straw. Now that’s kinda disgusting. Me and Irmalene, we never do that stuff. I mean, we courted on the front porch with her momma in thu parlor looking out thu winder. We didn’t do that hand holding, kissy-kissy stuff.

This complaint is a little weak, if you know what I mean. I had to work hard to git up an answer. Why don’t you order some of The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. Christmas Gift Packs and then you have something to complain about. They reasonable priced and they will help you with all yor gift giving needs. You kin buy some for Ben and Gen, and Richard and Julia and even for little Tommy Calogne. Remember, be sure to enclose your check or money order with your order.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


_______________________________________________



33. Re: Re: Bird Don't Work Right

Dear Mr. Jimbo,

I think that name sounds much more profeshnal, don't you?

I am very distrot with your company. I was told specifically to ask for Bubba, cus'n he was in charge of the complaint department, and it wuz at the address I sent it to. Now, I get this letter back from you at some other address. What do you think I am? You'z jest givin' me the runned around! You and Bubba is tryin' to hassle me up good, and I ain't gonna take it, cuz I got my rights!

MR A BIRD
MR NOT
OSAR C DEM WINGS
LIB MR A BIRD

That was the first conversation I had with my boy, Sue. (I called him Sue so he'd get real tuf with a girly name.) I wrote it down word for word. He pointed out to me dat whut was in the box you sent was most certainly a bird. A patriot bird, or sompin ‘ike ‘at. It came free with my cheese order.

Now, you is claimin' that you ain't got no birds. I did manage to find de bird. You wuz right, he done messed all in dat box, but I discovered Sue done took him out before I sent it, without me knowin'. He kinda got attached, that sissy boy!

Anyways, we fixed the cussin' problem already, by ourselves, since you wasn't gonna do nothin'.

The other mornin' my wife was a cookin' up some breakfast when dat bird went a cussin' up the house like a sailor. I don't let no body talk to my little cumquat dat way, so I grab dat bird and throwed him in de closet. Well, he kept on a cussin', screamin', and carryin' on. So, I grab dat bird out throwed him in de bath tub. Dat bird cain't fly, ya know. And, I pour de water all over him to get him settled down, but he keep on a cussin'. So, den I just got sick of him and throwed him the de freezer. After a little bit, the whole house got dead silent like. I wondered whut had happened. Maybe I kilt him. So, I take him out ther, with him shiverin' and all, and he say, "Hey buddy, what'd the chicken do?"

So, I reckon we got dat problem solved. I'd still like to take issue wit you makin' my boy a sissy! Sendin' us dat bird. He otta be able to kilt dat bird an eat him, if'n he were a real boy. I need you to jest come on down here so's I can whoop up on yo butt. Jest how big an ole boy are you, anyway?



THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32


Dear Mr. Dcabino,

My good man, to what reason do you attribute your unacceptable speech. You talk as if you were a hillbilly or a redneck. And as for your son, Loretta, I think it is a shame and abusive to use such a nome de plume on that fine young man, I'm sure. Why, I should take you rite down ther to thu sharif's offic and let 'im throw you in the hoosegowl. That boy o' yurs, he need tu hav a good boy name like Ralph or Hired or sumpin lack at.

An anuther thang is what you done done to that bird. A dyin shame. At's right a dyin sham and you a growed up man. If at boy o' yours, Sally, done it, hit'd be different cause he don't know no better. Do rite by that bird and make some gumbo or chicken and dumplins.

Now, you raise anuther thang a talking about whupping butt. You start making them threats against myself and I'll be forced tu call in my crack legal team, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba and Jimbo. You talk about big ole boys, they's got beer bellys bigger than you. They kin skin yuh, then take yuh to court and sue yuh for yur hide. Beats enythang I ever seed.

However, my good man, we do not wish to engage in fisticuffs and the like, but are overjoyed that you, one of our most favoritest customers has come back to do business with us again. And the management has authorized me to offer you a case of Christmas Gift Packs at unheard of low price. Just order and enclose the regular price, and we be happy to refund the difference.

Happy Christmas, and I remain
Whinningly yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


_______________________________________________



34. Re: Re: Re: Re: Bird Don't Work Right

Mr. Jimbo,

Now I ain't lookin' to take no issue with Bubba,
Bubba, Bubba, and Bubba. It's you I got de
problem wit. Now first, you try an talk down to
me wit all dat Harvard sissy boy talk. Wut is dat
anyway, Chinese or sompin? Den, you go have de
wherwital to tell me I shuda name by boy sumpin
else, like Ralph. Dat ain't no name, dat's whut I
done after I ate yo cheese.

Speakin' of which, dat cheese gave me gas. I'm a
thinkin' I'm a gonna bill you fo utility service.
I ain't got an outhouse no mo. Sue wuz playin'
wit matches out der, and dun blowed de whole place
up. I tink you otta put a warnin' on yo labels,
sumpin from the surgin genral, ya know.

Now, bout that cheese. First, it done plug up my
dog. Dat dog won't even hunt no mo causin he
cain't even make a pile. He jest sit der lookin'
funny. And, dis cheese is not de cheese I
ordered. I ordered dat peeekan cheese loaf. I
wuz disappointed to know my cheese was sompin difrent.

De other day, when yo cheese arrived at de post
office, I went down der to git it, and ole Tim
Witlack wuz getting a package as well. Well, ole
Tim don?t talk so good. He ain?t quite as skooled
as me. Anyways, I noticed he got one of yo cheese
packages, too. I thot at de time it was
coincidence or sompin.

Well, when I went out de post office to get on my
bicilcle, ole Jim come a runnin' out de doe,
sayin' "Hey, Geoerge! Stop! Dat's nacho cheese!"
He try an stop me, which wuz pretty nice of him
now dat I know. Wut you think I am, anyway? Some
kind a Mexican? Ole Tim even sent out de Po-lice,
said I tride to still his cheese. Said he meant
to say, "Dat's not cho cheese." But, I knowed he
wuz jest tryin' to make me feel betta. You ever
try an eat nacho cheese with peekans? I thot de
gas wuz bad, but dem peekans on de nachos taste
real funny.

An, dat's all i gotta say. Jest send me my cheeze
log, an leave out de peekans dis time. I had all
dem I can stand.



THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear George,

I shor am glad you ain’t looking for no issue with Bubba, cause he doan know what a issue is. You better know that Bubba wuz who been writin to you bout all this stuff. He show me duh letters so I know what the status quo is, dat’s Latin for the mess he done made. I gonna try tuh straighten this out cause I doan want my customers to be mad.

Now, first, I am sorry about Bubba trying to talk like he was smart. He did pass the third grade, but I thank he had help and so He just tryin to impress you cause he thought you be like him. I can tell from yor writin that you ain’t that dumb. As a matter of fact, a matter of fact, you probably wud of made the honor roll here at the Red House Schoolhouse. Aunt Fannie Mae, our beloved teacher, I thank she be rite impressed with yo writin.

And I do apologize fer his makin fun of yor boy, Loretter, I thank he tole me his name. Bubba, he like duh name, Ralph, and he name his boy Ralph. He say it sound like you growling when you say it real hard.

Now, my lawyers, they say we ain’t responsabul fer the outhouse. You know, boys will be boys, like my boy, Falderwing, he one time turnt over Miz Farkward’s outhouse. Hit wuz funny, but she didn’t cotton to it cause she wuz in it at duh time. So at boy o’ yors, he maybe just a tad upset on a count o’ you name him Loretter. Maybe wanna be called, Loretter the Far Setter.

Now, Ah’m a little confused bout duh order you done order and duh order you done got. You said you order the “peeekan” cheese. Do you mean peecan lack duh peecan nut or duh peecan lack duh slopjar. You know they’s a pow’rful difference in them two.

We don’t sell peecan cheese roll. We only sell the Christmas Gift Pack in one flaver. That flaver be cheese. But, we try to make all our customers happy and you order that Peecan Cheese, Bubba shell some peecan for the cheese. Now, you gotta understand that when Bubba scale duh fish, he say, whoever eat duh most fish, eat duh most scales. At’s duh same deal on the peecans. Who eat duh most peecans eat duh most hulls. So, he shell dem peecans and he warm up duh cheese to whur it almost a little runny on the outside, then he slam it on duh peecans and kinda roll it around to mash duh peecans in duh cheese.

Now about them nay-chos, we don’t. But, I thank I know what they wuz. Bout 6 months ago, we had a bad crop a roaches or locus or some kinda bugs. They wuz all over the place and Harley started spraying his side down with diesel. Well, you know them thangs come a running over here and Bubba started to fightin ‘em with a tennis racket or sumpin like at. They wuz little wings a flying all over the place and some got in thu cheese. We tried to scrape most of it off, but we missed some. So when they dried they kinda look lack nay-cho corn chips. So, they alright, just scrape ‘em off when you see ‘em poking outa thu cheese. If they got a little diesel taste, don’t worry, it won’t hurt a healthy strong body.

You know that we at The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc, try to do ever’thang we can to make our customers happy. But, we draw thu line when it costs money. So, we can’t send you more cheese, cause you done got yor order. I wudn’t born yesterdy. No sir-ree. I know how it goes. “Hey, we don’t et all duh cheese, we write and say it wudn’t good, send us sum more.” You done eat it up, so you have to order some more. When we git your check, we cash it. We got a carload of cheese ready to ship to our valuable customers. Now, valuable customers are people what order with a check, money order or cash. Don’t sent us no stamps, script or eggs to barter, only cash on the barrelhead. And don’t send us any confederate money. It wudn’t any good when we wus the confederacy and it ain’t good now.

And in closing, let me say I am sorry tu hear bout yor boy, Loretter. Burned all his hair offn his head, did he? I bet him and that other boy wuz behind yor outhouse a smoking at ole rabbit tabacky when that thang went off. At stuff will flame up and any gaseous vapors with go off like a A-bomb. I heard the mushroom cloud wuz seen for 6 miles. Anybody in the house when she blowed? Well, rub a little hog lard on his eyebrows and head and maybe hit’ll grow back.

We be looking for yor order. When ya kin, come on down and set yor feet under our table and have dinner or supper with us. Irmalene sets a mighty fine table and we always go plenty of cheese, cause all what don’t sell I take home and give it to Irmalene and our 14 youngans.

Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinnerly, Head Whiner


_______________________________________________



35. Hello Irmalene

Dear Jimbo,

May I call you Jimbo? We've been corresponding for some time now and I feel we should be on a first name basis. According to the "Super Thesaurus" a "Twit" which incidentally is spelled correctly, is an idiot or a jerk and please see moron, which I guess means to go take a look at you. I'm glad we finally cleared up the matter about accepting the money rather than a check. I went down to the Qickstop and tried to get a money order, but when I pulled those ones out of my garter the clerk said he couldn't accept no hazardous waste cause it was no telling where those ones had been, anyway I couldn't get the money order so, since you accept cash, I'm just enclosing those ones. Tell Bubba that he can just send me two gift packs for next Christmas since I don't give Easter presents. I still have that last dead pigeon of yours that I haven't ete yet so I'll just give that to my boss for this Christmas. I'm sure it might not stink as much as your cheese, but it'll just have to do. Tell Irmalene hello and not to worry about our long distance relationship, asking aint getting(oh Lord help me I'm starting to sound like you!) If I was married to a man as dumb as you I'd probably worry about him too. Looking forward to meeting you, Bubba and what's his name at the Dummy Reunion on April Fool's Day and be sure to bring Irmalene too. I'd like to meet the woman stupid enough to be jealous over you.

Warmest Regards,
SMG



THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32


Dear SMG,

I am greatly distinguished by yor invitation to the annual reunion for the Dummies, although I think thair wuz a insult in that letter. I ain’t sure, but I’m gonna have my legal consultants (Bubba, Bubba, Bubba, and Jimbo, LLLCPA) take a look tu see if they kin notice anything that might be considered like a insult.

I kin come to thu reunioin, although I don’t thank I will fit in with that crowd. It is clear we on different intellect levels. I am sorry that Irmalene won’t be attending. No, she don’t have duh rite kind o’ clothes to war, not to mention she don’t have no shoes. She be busy takin ker o’ our 14 yard yungan. She jest hate’s tu leave ‘em cause she such a good momma. The oldest is 16 and jest passed the 6th grade. We so proud of her cause she gone higher than eny Whinnery in all history. Her name is Paulene. Then we got Joelene, Raylene and Saylene. Then comes thu twins, O’Ranjello and LeMonjello. They be eleven and then we have our boys, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, Demas and Judas. And then our last baby girl who is just 8 months old, NosMoking.

Bubba ain’t gonna make it to the meetin either. You know that Bubba wus dropped outa tree when he wus 11 months old. Oh, he wus OK, although momma wus mad as a yellowjacket cause he fell on her churn crock and broke it. Had to churn butter in a gallon pickle jar after that. But, he ain’t been right since then, and when he wus little, don’t play very good with other chil’ern, so we don’t let him outa Red House much. Ever’body here knows ‘im and kinda overlook ‘im, but strangers sometimes don’t know. We don’t want anuther incident like wut happened at the International Cheese Makers Convention. They’s some o’ them people who still won’t eat cheese.

Now, yor order did arrive, but them dollar bills…hit’s hard to splain whut they wuz. Hit’s like they had battry acid dropped on ‘em. Jest parts left. One had part of George’s chin and collar and thur wuz a couple of number 1’s thar, but that bout all that wuz in the envelop. Mr. Williams down at thu bank, we use the Bank of Blountsville jest up the road, he said that he cudn’t eccept them bills. He said from what wuz left, they peered to be counterfit. He turnt ‘em over to the FBI, I thank that’s the False Banking Investigations deal or sumpin lack at. But, don’t worry about it, I’m sure we git this all cleared up fore next Christmas.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner.


_______________________________________________



36. I want my RC dangit!

Dear Mr. Jim Bob,

I am so mad at cha, it makes my rear hole wanna dip snuff. Now looky here, I don’t have much muney on acout uh my Pa’s in prison an I gotta feed my 6 bruthrs an sistrs. Ya see, Pa wuz tha Grand Wizzerd of the Bloomer, Arkinsaw branch of the KKK, and his wife jest up and ran off with that colored boy who takes care of Mayor C Ray’s bran spankin’ new 1989 Towncar. My pa, well, he wuz so upset, he took his 30-30 an plum blew holes in ‘em like they was each a 10 point buck. I gotta tell ya, Mr. Jim Bob, I hadta sell my best hub caps ta pay fer your Gift Pack, an I don’t like yer tryin’ ta pull one over on me. I mean, I got 4 littlins of my own, an I’m fixin ta be 19, so I’m not a youngin’ anymor. I ordered a big two liter bottle of RC cola withit, an whut I got insted wuz that cheep Sam’s Cola frum Wal Marts. I din’t jest fall offa tha hay bale truck sir. I kin tell the difrence. That RC is high doller stuff. Now Mr. Jim Bob, ya do rite by me, an send along a nice bottle of yer finist RC cola an meybe I’ll send ya one a my favrite hub caps.

Sinserly,
Sissy Beth Boyd

Ps. The gift pack wuz good but cha shud put mor in there. It jest won’t hardly feed 11 people. I meen, we only got 1 crackr and 1 peace uh cheese each.



THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Sissy Boy Beth,

Now, that a unique name for a gal. I guess yor papa wanted a boy, didn’t he? I best caution you that we do have our lady folks what reads these here letters, so keep ‘em clean. Sumthymes Irmalene, she’s my wife, reads these letters and I don’t want her ears to be offended when she read some them words.

Yor Paw sounds like a rite nice man, jest got a little off on the wrong way, looks like. He got much time tu serve, dooey?

Bout you sellin them hubcaps. Them hubcaps don’t do nothing but shine, if you wash ‘em, but ‘at cheese, it be good fer a long time. So yu done rite by sellin them thangs. Enyway, they jest sissify yor truck and hit look a heap better without them shinning thangs.

Do yu know thu name of this here company? It is The Whine and Cheese Company, Inc. It ain’t The RC & Cheese Company, Inc. Whut you got wuz one of two thangs. Sometimes, Bubba, he ain’t right, bless his heart (see "Invalid Item"  for clearification on that term}, so sometimes he try to make duh customer happy and send stuff we don’t make. Like yor order. Maybe had some of Sam’s cola left from a party and he just throw it in free. Sometimes, when we run out o whine, he make up some in the bathtub and he put it in two-liter cola bottles. If a’ter you drank some of his stuff, if yor leg goes to twitching or jerking, go see yor family doctor real quick and be shor you por out all the rest o’ that bottle.

I don’t know if they still make RC any more. I don’t see none in the stor here enymore.

You raise the question about our cheese won’t serve 11 people. Well I got a suggestion for you. You kin farm out them yard youngans to the relatives so you have less mouths at yo house or yu can buy more Cheese. Why don’t yu jest order a case and we send that soon as we git yor check, munny ord’r or cash. We doan eccept stamps, script or eggs and barter. When we git your check, we will cash it. We be looking for yor order, so don’t come see you, just send that order in.

Whinningly yours
Jim Whinnery, Chief Whiner


_______________________________________________



37. Okay I feel like whinning

I opened my email box tonight and got this most enlightening annon review.

Greetings from the Stories.Com Review and Comment System! You just received the following comment/review about item #286073 entitled: "Welcome to The Christmas Story Book"

I'm not rating your actual item, but I think your plug sucked. I mean, come on, it's not that hard to improve upon "read me." We're not in Wonderland, Alice.

The person who left this comment/review rated this
item 2 stars out of a possible 5 stars.

Okay so maybe I could have used a more descriptive plug on the plug page but at least I left my handle attached to it. I was not ashamed of my comment.

Unfortunetly you can not say the same. An annon. review is nothing more than a person with no back bone to take responsiblilty for the words that they write.

Obviously my plug "read me" worked after all you did open the window and look. The fact that you decided not to rate the item but rather the plug used is nothing more than a case of cowardness.

Honestly if you were that disgusted with the plug why did you not just ignore it and move on to the next item or email me direct. Well of course, then you would have had to revealed yourself. What a shame the site does not have an annon. email service you would have been in your glory.

Are you pleased with yourself for handing out a 2 rating. Do you feel better now that you have told someone how lame their plug was and rating it no less. Well I want to thank you for giving me every reason to use it again and again. I shall receive such satisfaction knowing that it truly annoys you.

Beware the person who uses "read me" on their item, we have a 2 rater on the loose who believes we are members of the society of Wonderland, and that all our names are Alice.

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

Dear Ms Wanabe,

You know, I shor do hate tu see a letter like this. Bubba, he always say, if you can’t run with the big dawgs, you best stay on the porch. I specially didn’t like what you say that that person be a coward. See, I hit duh wrong button fore I wuz ready to send it. You know that thair button need be put in a diffrent place or maybe a diffrent color. I ain’t fer shur what oughta be done, since me and Bubba ain’t real computer literant, but I’m shor some them smart people can thank up sum way so as I don’t make that mistake again. One time I suggested to duh Mistress about that, but, bless her heart, she is a little muley, rite stubborn just a mite. She didn’t thank much of my new genre called Fishtank Water, either. I don’t thank she lack me vury much. But don’t tell her I said that cause she do hav a long rememory.

Now, Alice, I thank you mite be twisting what I say a mite. Me and Bubba we don’t talk lack other people. Red House is a small town in the deep south and we talk like ghis and lotta folks jest don’t know what we means. Maybe you jest need a lit’le coarse in "Invalid Item" . It’d do wonders for yuh.

But really, I didn’t know you gone blow a gasket, as we say over at Harley’s Texaco filling station. I thot yor story thang was rite good, but I didn’t thank you wuz number one so I make it number 2. It didn’t seem right to drop you all thu way down to number 3. But, if it’ll make you happy I kin go back make you number 1!

And jest to show thair ain’t no hard feelings from me, I’m gonna give you a special deal on our Christmas Gift Pack. You buy a case and I’ll give you a second case at 10% off. “At’s just to show yu that my heart’s in the right place. Now, thur ain’t no need to rush, cause I got plenty in stock. Thank yuh for yor letter and I remain,

Whinningly Yours.
Jim Whinnery, Chief Whiner


_______________________________________________



38. A simple request

Dear Mr. Whinnery,

I can tell from your very professional wrapping and packaging that your company is one which prides itself on perfection. It is for this reason that I have taken the time to write to you with a concern which I am sure you will be happy to rectify.

I am in a line of work which requires that substantial portion of my income be derived from gratuities, coming from my customers. I, too, find great satisfaction in doing my best to make customers satisfied.

In satisfaction of services rendered, a recent client of mine provided me with a box of your cheese, which also contained a special gift premium. I was told that this premium came with your deluxe premium cheese only. It was a small oil lamp made of a very interesting antique design. However, it is not the lamps appearance with which I am dissatisfied, nor is it exactly the cheese (although, the cheese was somewhat lacking in flavor). My complain is with the operation of this lamp.

While I realize it sounds ludicrous to most that a genie can be contained within a lamp, I know that you understand of the matter to which I refer. My genie is not functioning properly. It cannot properly deliver my wishes.

Since your company has such a fine reputation for the utmost in customer service, I am sure that you would not mind providing me with my wishes instead. Please send me $1 million in unmarked bills. I am sure that you have genies left over from your recent promotion, and so this request should be no problem for you.

Sincerely,
DChabino

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

Dear Mr. Crabeno,

I so do wanna thank yu for yor kind words about our professional company. We done come a long way. When we started, we make 'at cheese by hand, mixed up thu whine in the bathtub and done ever’thang by hand. We’d make 'at cheese and wrap it in tinfoil and slide it in a old bread bag and use a twist tie. Now, we git my nephew, Bubba’ boy down at The Headlight, our newspaper, to print our packages. Yep, Bubba Jr. does a wonderful job and he waited till duh manager went home and drawed it off hisself and printed it. Now, yu kin paste a heart or a firecracker over the Santa and you got a valentine or fourth of July Gift Pack.

I do must apologize for ‘at genie thang. We don’t got no more, only one we had, you got ‘im. Bubba got dat thang from sum old woman. I tole Bubba he gonna wear ‘at genie out, but no, he jest keep on. Ever morning he come to work and he git dat lamp and out come da genie and he say, “I want some pig knuckles, tater chips, a RC Cola and Cracklins fer my dinner. And come 12 o’clock a little cloth wuz on his table and all that food thur. And he no more than finish and he be orderin evening snacks. That wuz ever’day and I tole and tole him he gonna ware that genie out. But, lack I said, he doan listen to me and one day we come to work and that place wuz a mess. Pig knuckles, pig feet, cracklins and stuff all over the place. I tole Bubba he done done it now. So he decide tu give that genie away. I tole him don’t do it, but he did it anway and you duh lucky one what got ‘im.

Now, since I got yor letter, I been a studying about these genies and I thank I found how to revive ‘im. You gone haf tu feed ‘im cheese. Lots o cheese. Fer about a year, you feed ‘im cheese ever’day and he gonna come back in shape. After about 10 or 8 months, you gonna see da color start returning tu his cheeks and by 12-13 months, he gonna be in his old form.

Now it jest happens that we jest started a new program where you kin subscribe to the cheese of the month club and we send you cheese ever month. Jest sent in yo name and address along with your year’s subscription and we do da rest.

I’m sorry about dat genie and all the trouble he cause. I done slap Bubba up side the head two times fer yuh and I thank now hit gonna be alright.

Whinningly Yours.
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner and Genie Mechanic


_______________________________________________



39, Re: Re: Re: Hello Irmalene

Dear Jimbo,

Why I am just flabbergasted that the sicko not only disrespected me by tucking ones in my garter but they weren't even real money! Of course I couldn't tell, since I'm a dummy. I deeply apologize to you and Bubba, Mr. Williams and the FBI(Federal Busybody Idiots).That was all the money I had, but I noticed a new sicko hanging around at changing time and I figure it's just a matter of time until I collect some mo money which I will immediately forward to you.

Please express my regrets to Irmalene that she won't be attending the Dummy Reunion. I'm sure she only has time for two things, raising children and ...; Fourteen chaps, my you are a busy boy. Glad you can take time off from your busy schedule to attend the Reunion. I'm very anxious to meet Bubba, he sounds like my kind of man. I can arrange for a large dog crate to lock him in if he can come with you. I'm sure he'd be comfortable, harmless and well fed.

SMG

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

Dear Ms Millner,

I done tole ya and tole ya that I doan talk about them garters. My ears turn red just when I see ‘at word.

Irmalene said she thanks yuh for the invite, but she don’t thank she wants tu come cause she stay home and have her own reunion jest like yor’s. I ain’t shor what she mean by that, but ‘at’s what she say.

I don’t thank Bubba kin come, either. The crate sound like a wonderful idie, but he ain’t house broke and we have to be taking ‘im out fer a walk ever time you turn around. Here, he take hisself outside, but ther, we have to take him outside all a time.

I don’t thank I gone be able to come to the reunion. You know, I got tu thanking about it and I kin be around dummies all a time down here, so why I wanna pay to come up ther when I kin stay here free.

But you just place yor order and we ship it tu yuh.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Chief Dummy Whiner


_______________________________________________



40. Okay I feel like whinning


I opened my email box tonight and got this most enlightening annon review.

Greetings from the Stories.Com Review and Comment System! You just received the following comment/review about item #286073 entitled: "Welcome to The Christmas Story Book"

I'm not rating your actual item, but I think your plug sucked. I mean, come on, it's not that hard to improve upon "read me." We're not in Wonderland, Alice.

The person who left this comment/review rated this
item 2 stars out of a possible 5 stars.

Okay so maybe I could have used a more descriptive plug on the plug page but at least I left my handle attached to it. I was not ashamed of my comment.

Unfortunetly you can not say the same. An annon. review is nothing more than a person with no back bone to take responsiblilty for the words that they write.

Obviously my plug "read me" worked after all you did open the window and look. The fact that you decided not to rate the item but rather the plug used is nothing more than a case of cowardness.

Honestly if you were that disgusted with the plug why did you not just ignore it and move on to the next item or email me direct. Well of course, then you would have had to revealed yourself. What a shame the site does not have an annon. email service you would have been in your glory.

Are you pleased with yourself for handing out a 2 rating. Do you feel better now that you have told someone how lame their plug was and rating it no less. Well I want to thank you for giving me every reason to use it again and again. I shall receive such satisfaction knowing that it truly annoys you.

Beware the person who uses "read me" on their item, we have a 2 rater on the loose who believes we are members of the society of Wonderland, and that all our names are Alice.

Wannabe

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

Dear Ms Wanabe,

You know, I shor do hate tu see a letter like this. Bubba, he always say, if you can’t run with the big dawgs, you best stay on the porch. I specially didn’t like what you say that that person be a coward. See, I hit duh wrong button fore I wuz ready to send it. You know that thair button need be put in a diffrent place or maybe a diffrent color. I ain’t fer shur what oughta be done, since me and Bubba ain’t real computer literant, but I’m shor some them smart people can thank up sum way so as I don’t make that mistake again. One time I suggested to duh Mistress about that, but, bless her heart, she is a little muley, rite stubborn just a mite. She didn’t thank much of my new genre called Fishtank Water, either. I don’t thank she lack me vury much. But don’t tell her I said that cause she do hav a long rememory.

Now, Alice, I thank you mite be twisting what I say a mite. Me and Bubba we don’t talk lack other people. Red House is a small town in the deep south and we talk like ghis and lotta folks jest don’t know what we means. Maybe you jest need a lit’le coarse in "The Southern Tongue". It’d do wonders for yuh.

But really, I didn’t know you gone blow a gasket, as we say over at Harley's Texaxo filling station. I thot yor story thang was rite good, but I didn’t thank you wuz number one so I make it number 2. It didn’t seem right to drop you all thu way down to number 3. But, if it’ll make you happy I kin go back make you number 1!

And jest to show thair ain’t no hard feelings from me, I’m gonna give you a special deal on our Christmas Gift Pack. You buy a case and I’ll give you a second case at 10% off. “At’s just to show yu that my heart’s in the right place. Now, thur ain’t no need to rush, cause I got plenty in stock. Thank yuh for yor letter and I remain,

Whinningly Yours.
Jim Whinnery, Chief Whiner


_______________________________________________



41. Re: Re: A simple request


Dear Mr. Whinnery,

I must say that I am flabbergasted at your attempts to belittle me and speak down to me. Just because I am a bartender, please do not make the mistake that I speak in such a low brow vernacular as you have used in your correspondence. I find it very insulting that you choose to communicate to me in that manner.

With the vernacular issue aside, my complaint is not about the genie having been worn out. In fact, the genie seems quite readily available for just about anything. The problem is, though, that this particular genie seems to have a hearing problem. Allow me to elaborate.

As I have already mentioned, I am a bartender, and so depend heavily on gratuities as a substantial portion of my personal income. I had a patron one evening who had been drinking to quite an extent and had extended quite a tab. I politely told him that he had too much, and it was time to pay his tab. With what he had left over after paying such a sum, he found he had no money left for a tip. And so, he pulled out of his bag a miniature piano and a tiny man, about ten inches in height. The music that this tiny man played was amazing, but I refused such an odd offer.

That is when I asked him where he found such a tiny man. He replied, "I wished for him."

"You wished for him?" I replied. "What do you mean?" He showed me a small antique oil lamp, which is the very same one of which you and I have been speaking. He told me that the lamp contained a genie, and then he offered it instead of the tiny man, since the pianist was not a satisfactory tip.

At first I was very skeptical at his inebriated claims, but I rubbed the lamp and out came the genie, to my great surprise. Almost without hesitation, I asked for a million dollars. I said, "Well, in that case I'll take a million bucks." The genie asked me to repeat the request. I had to do so three times before he finally seemed to hear me. However, the request was answered with my bar filling up with more ducks than I have ever before seen. I was ver distraught having to clean up such a mess.

When I began to confront the patron about his ill purposed gratuity, he simply stated, "Hey buddy, you don't think I really asked for a ten inch pianist, do you?" Evidently, this man had been single for quite some time and was looking for something to spur on his love life.

I have held on to the lamp, maintaining my certainty that a reputable company, such as yours, surely will make good on a honest man's gratuity. I really wish you would the time to rectify this matter.

I am sorry, but I must now discontinue this letter. It appears that the genie has misinterpreted that last sentence of the previous paragraph and is performing some sort of rectal exam. Apparently, he thinks I mentioned something about rectal matter.

DChabino

{THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinnery, Head Genie Mechanic

Dear Mr. Crabenni,

Yeah, I wus a little taken aback by the level of the linguistic clacification in that last letter, too. Whur you learned to talk lack 'at?

Now, 'bout that genie. I understand what fore you talking about. See, I thought you thu one Bubba pawned that messed up genie off on. But hit's the little man what owns the lit'le bitty pianner man. Wahl, ther's a sucker born ever minute.

You know, I ain't never met me a bartender. We don't have them kind here in Red House. Jest go git what ya want and put thu money in thu till. So, you live off what people give yuh? Yo momma probly has tu hide her head in shamr and must be quite humblin fer you tuh do 'at. Me, I couldn't do that. No sir-ree bob! I work fer my money. By thu sweat o my brow I wurks ever day.

So, now you done got suckered into a taking that genie? He ain't deef, he jest a playing lack he deef. You git yu a sharp knife and say you gonna cut his ears off. He'll jump up ther right quick and let you know that he ain't deef.

Say, do you git all thu licker you can drank or do they make you pay fer it at the bar?

Lack I said, you feed that genie cheese fer a yeur and he start to whomping up them wishes fer ya. And if he don't, then you kin throw a contest and let sumbody win that sucker. If you don't want tuh do that, you drop that thang in a croker sack and tie it up real tight nen throw it in the lake. Just don't drap 'im in Red House Lake.

Well, I wish I could go on flapping my gums wit chew more, but I got wurk to do.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


_______________________________________________



42. Merry Christmas Jimbo


Greetings Jimbo,just wanted to wish you, Irmalene,the 14 kids, Bubba and What's His Name a Merry Christmas. It's actually the day after Christmas, but what do you expect from a dummy?

Jimbo when is this stupid contest going to be over? Me and the other dummies who keep writing to you are getting tired of working so hard for those gift points.

Happy New Year, hope you sell a lot of Whine and Cheese during 2002. Please reconsider coming to the dummy reunion, I'm sure you'd feel at home.

Here's a little poem dedicated to you:

Happy New Year Jimbo and Irmalene
Hope your kids stay happy and clean
Hope your business runs real smooth
And Bubba stays less confused.
Here's hoping you sell lots of Whine and Cheese
If you give any away, remember me please.
I found a New Year's diet that's brand new
Irmalene, I'll send it to you.
Hope you go this year without a new papose
By now Irmalene must be getting long in the tooth!
Tell Bubba I wish we could meet,
He sounds like my type, dumb and sweet.
Watch out for that counterfeit cash
And don't forget the dummy reunion bash.
It's been a pleasure writing to you
But I'm ready for this contest to be through.

Warmest Regards,
Susan Millner Graham

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

Dear Mrs. Graham Miler,

What do you mean, contest? I heered 'em talkin round the offis 'bout some kind a contest and I figured it out. Yu'all a throwin a contest to see if you kin make a fool out'n old Jim Winnery. Well, I got news for yu...hit's already ben done, so thu contest is over!

And I'm a gonna close with a poem jest like you done wrote.

Roses ar red,
violets they be blue;
I'm done,
and thu contest is thru!

Murry Christmas and may the best man, woman, or dummy win.

WHinningly Yours
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Head Whiner


_______________________________________________



43. Just one more... Pleeeeease!


There I was, minding my own business. Typing away in this forum and that one, adding my thoughts or ideas. When suddenly out of nowhere, my monitor bit me! Thinking this must be due to a lack of sleep or that I fell asleep for a moment, I continue on to the next forum.

Again, I answer a post with one of my own and in my post I add a link to one of items. Upon hitting enter, it happened again, my monitor bit me! Pouring over my "Windows for Ding-Dongs" book, I find no causes for this as well as no cases listed.

So with trepidation I creep to the final forum of the night. I post one last time, adding an item after my signature. I slowly reach for the "enter" key. When I suddenly see what must be causing this strange occurrence. Sitting quietly within its brackets is the word { bitme }...

Now for my next gripe... Typo's.

redridinghood

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

Dear Happy RedRidingHood 2002,

I havta say that yu all do got a powerful lot of time on yor hands. With all the thangs a hap'nen in thu wurl and yor monitor bites yuh. And what wuz yu a drankin or wuz it sumpin you took?

But, hit probubly wuz that you wudn't a sleepin enuff and jest weak. 'At's why you need to order one ove our Valentine Gift Pack. Oh, hit's got thu best cheese, hand squshed by Bubba his self and carfully wropped in that re-sanitized bread bag with a purty valentine on thu front, hand drawed by my daughters Paulene, Raylene, Ethylene and Saylene. Why don't ya order a whole case as it seems yu do a lot a that typing.

And why don't you socialize with people sumtimes. Hit'll do you a wurl a good.

Hope you had a murry Christmas and Santy wuz good to you, brought yu sum o that Christmas Gift Pack from our store. Ya'll be good now.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY,INC.
Jim and Irmalene Whinnery


_______________________________________________

OUR FAMILY CHRISTMAS LETTER

To all our friends and customers at The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc.

We jest wanted to let chew kno whut wuz happenin in our family in 2001.

This here been a wonderful yeur. We's all healthy and t'gether fer anuther yeur fer Chris'mas and tu look toward a new yeur.

Fer the 22nd yeur, we didn't move tu a new hous. Yep, we still in our honeymoon cottage what Jim bought when we wuz mahried. But, we doin good, all 16 of us.

Jim, he left his old job. He wuz a Can Han'ler/Traffic Waver fer thu Gates & Assocites Solid Salvege (G.A.S.S.). That mean he git tuh hang on the driver side o' thu truck and when a car git b'hind the truck, he hang out and wave 'em on around.

But now he start The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc, with his best frind and cusin, Bubba. They done renovate ('at mean they painted the walls, maw) the storeroom b'hind Harley's Texaco fer duh company.

Paulene, she our oldest and she jest turnt 22 on our weddin anniversery. She thank she gon graduate this yeur. She thought that last yeur, but she didn't quite make it. She hav trouble wit her Englush class. I doan know why she hav 'at problum; I hep her ever'nite. But Aunt Fannie Mae say she doin real good and we keep our fangers crossed.

Raylene, she wus caller number 9 this year on thu radio show and got tuh talk tu John Boy. He call her "Baby Doll." And this yeur she decide tuh be a shampoo girl instead of a graduate. Miss Ludie Farkward, what owns Miss Ludie's Coffitures, she done hir'd Raylene and give her training 'bout hare and shampoo. Maybe they be a wedding bell fore too long, cause I thank her and Bubba gone tie the knot fore long.

Ethyllene, she our pride and joy. She done pick duh luck number down at A.B. Smith General Groceries and Merchandise and won thu mantle clock with thu horse on it. Hit shor do look purty on the shelf Jim put up.

Saylene, she increase our family with a bouncin new grandson. She haf tu interrupt her school work, but she be back in duh ninth grade next yeur a'ter she wean duh baby. He a rite fine lit'le boy and his head be a little whop-sided, but Doc Falderwing say he grow out'n nat. He also say that epididle spray, take 'at hare rite off'n his face. He a fine lit'le boy and look like his grandpaw, but he faver me, too.

Matthew, Mark and Luke doing good in thair's school. Mark and Luke done caught up wit Matthew this year in thu fourth grade. Matthew is thu biggest one in his class. He already got dat fazeke like his paw and I don't thank he drank 'at beer yet.

We welcome John Boy back home this yeur. This our John Boy, not thu John Boy on thu radio show. He finish his training at thu Columbia Trainin School and thu judge parole 'im back tu us. We happy he back with us and a fixin tuh go back tuh school in thu sec'nd grade here at thu Red House Consolidated Schoolhouse. Aunt Fannie Mae, she happy he back cause he one o' her best students til he set far to thu outhouse. But she didn't git burnt too much and Burnelle buy her a new dress tu replace 'at one what got burnt a little.

The twins are jest fine. They a growing and looking more like each other ever'day. Jim can't tell which is who. He finally use a magic marker and write a "O" on O'Ranjello's neck and a "L" on LeMonjello so he know who is which one. That hep a lot cause they give me grief, too. I go tu thu bedroom and one in the bed and I say, "O'Ranjello, where yor sister?" And she say, "She in duh bathroom." So I go down thair and she not thur. So I come back and say, "O'Ranjello." And she say, "I'm LeMonjello." So, I say, "LeMonjello, whur yore sister?" And she say, "Well, I jest got back from the bathroom and she gone thur." So I go tu thu bathroom and she not thur and I come back and say, "LeMonjello." And she say, "I ain't LeMonjello, I'm O'Ranjello." I thank them two trying to pull sumpin on me. But, the magic marker hep a lot.

Then, the little boys, Peter, Demas, Pilate and Judas. They so sweet; we give all our boys Bible names. Peter, he start school next yeur. This yeur he in thu Red House Pre-Schoolhouse program. He go haf a day and he can beat up all them udder lit'le chil'ern. Miss Fannie Mae say she gonna throw him in with thu high school next year. Demas and Pilate, they start pre-school next year and I thank Miss Smoot say she hate tu do it, but she gonna haf tu retire fore she hav anuther one o our youngans. Judas, he duh sweet one, cause he only 8 months old, but Burnelle say just wait for New Years and he be startin tu walk.

Jim, he duh champean of ever'thang here in Red House. At thu big fourth of July barbeque, he won thu Beer drankin contest, thu bean eatin contest, thu pig rasselin contest. After thu bean eatin contest, all thu men folks go out b'hind thu barn fer that udder contest. Jim won 'at one, too. A'ter that, the bullfrogs quit hollering in thu bottom. I guess they thank the big frog done a'rived. I thank Jim done set a new world record.

Now what 'bout me and Jim? Well, we gonna hav a baby!!! That's right, we expecting little Mablene or Jim, Jr. Doc say he be born one month before Judas' 1st birthday. Course, 'at means Jim, Sr. gonna haf tu git tu werkin makin and sellin 'at cheese cause we gonna have one more mouth tu feed. So ya'll send dem order in fer 'at good ole Whine and Cheese gift packs (Smile).

This year we gonna all gather round the dinner table and hav us a big Christmas dinner, cause John Boy done got us a live turkey real cheap. I thank he won it or sum'body give it to 'im. So this year we real happy he home from nat training school. He a fine boy.

Merry Christmas, and ya'll come to see us sumtimes. Jim, Irmalene, Paulene, Raylene, Ethyllene, Saylene, O'Ranjello, LeMonjello, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John Boy, Peter, Demas, Pilate and Judas


_______________________________________________

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

Some folks has ben askin why our company is shuttin down and a goin outa business. Well, you kin read fer yursef the story in the Red House News.

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC. CLOSED BY THE BOARD OF HEALTH

The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. has been shut down by the board of health. In a surprize move, the director of the Red House Board of Health, Jimbo Whinnery, issued the following statement: Due to numerous and flaggrant violations to the health code of the town of Red House, Mississippi, and to the health threats they pose, I had no options but to close The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. indefinitely. We hope they can correct the violations and restore the company to the healthy status it enjoyed when it first opened (with one additional owner). This action, taken by my department, has no connection to the long dispute I have had with the owners, who are my cousins, that I was cheated out of a share of the company. Instead, I wish them good luck in correcting the violations and am willing to assist them in re-opening our company.

Jimbo Whinnery.