Discovery of America?

Winning entry for the 6/12/02 "The Writer's Cramp"  where the prompt was:
Today in History Class your teacher wanted to see if you were listening... he told you his version of Christopher Columbus crossing...

(Have fun with this one and try not to use any of the real names of the NOUNS)

The Discovery of America?

"Good morning class!"

"Good morning, Mr. Culpepper," we answered, drowsily.  How could he expect "chipper" at 8:15am?  But he did.

"Today we are going to hear about the discovery of America back in 1429, so I want you to close your text books,  sit back,  listen and take notes if you'd like."

We closed our books, leaned back, and tried not to fall asleep immediately.

"One of the easiest ways to remember the crossing to American by Christian Columbo is by reciting this little rhyme - it always helped me.  And it goes like this:

         'In fourteen hundred and twenty nine
         Columbo sailed the salty brine.'

"Now you all say it with me!"

He was sure an eager little cuss, that Mr. Culpepper. I'll say that for him.  We recited it back to him drolly, with little enthusiasm.  I looked over at Brittney, who had a confused look on her face as she wrote copiously in her notebook and repeated Mr. Culpepper's little diddy with the rest of us.

She raised her hand during a slight lull, waving it and shouting, "Mr. Culpepper, Mr. Culpepper, I thought that ...!?"

Mr. Culpepper cut her off with a wink and a smile.  "Let's hold all of our questions until tomorrow, shall we Brittney?   Thank you."  It was a command, not a request.

He continued, perched on the edge of his desk, excitement in his face.

This poor guy really needs to get a life, I thought to myself as I pinched my thigh and tried to stay awake.

"Now, back in 1429 Columbo went to the King of Italy and asked for a large ship and crew to set sail upon the western waters.  He was in search of treasure, after hearing wild stories from other travelers, and was eager to claim some for himself.  But he couldn't afford the journey alone, so he asked the King to fund his trip.

"The King was a greedy bastard..." Mr. Culpepper paused while we snickered.

"Err, I mean, the King was a greedy man, and so he agreed to finance Columbo's journey, and outfitted him in the finest ship in his fleet, with his finest crew.  And on a summer day in 1429, Columbo set sail with a crew of 77 on the fine ship, the Fetuccini."

Mr. Culpepper paused and glared at Britteny, who had almost fallen out of her seat.

"As I was saying, Columbo and his crew set sail on the Fetuccini, looking for riches they'd heard about somewhere in the waters west of Italy.  And so they pointed their ship toward the setting sun and headed off for a great adventure."

I stifled a yawn, as a cloud of confusion muddled my brain.  This didn't sound exactly right to me, but who was I to question Mr. Culpepper?

"It was an arduous journey, and after forty days and forty nights, there was still no sign of land, and they were running short on supplies.  So Captain Columbo released a carrier pigeon that they carried on the ship for just such an occasion.  And, to make a long exciting story short, just when they'd given up hope, the pigeon returned to the ship carrying an olive branch, and the crew cheered for they knew land was not far off."

Brittney groaned and buried her head in her hands.  What was up with her?

"And after a few more days of sailing," Mr. Culpepper raised his voice and spoke hurriedly over the sound of Brittney banging her head on her desk, "they reached land, and when the got off the boat they named the place "Plymouth Rock" and had a feast with the native people who lined the shore to greet them."

"Oh for the love of Christ!" Brittney exploded.

Mr. Culpepper glared at her and then glanced at the clock.  "We don't have much time, so let's recite that little rhyme I taught you earlier before you go, and we can discuss this more tomorrow after you read Chapter 8 for homework tonight.  Everybody, 1 - 2 - 3 ..."

         'In fourteen hundred and twenty nine
         Columbo sailed the salty brine.'