my epiphany

From the time I was very young, there have always been those who have thought that I was destined for greatness. I was at one time held in the high hopes of others, who believed that someone with my passion and intelligence could not possibly fail at anything. But those same qualities that prophesied greatness in the beginning have now become my curse. Now those same people look at me, and struggle to justify my existence in this world. Over time, through the many paths they have watched me take, they have forgotten what it was that made them believe in the first place. I am a different person now, my choices have changed all but the very core of who I am. But it is that core, I believe, that will remain. My time for greatness is yet to come. It is far away, as if it were a dream, but it is there nonetheless. They have all but given up hope, as have I at times, but that which is inside me will one day rise from the ashes. I will break free of this mire in which I have entrapped myself. And, once again, they will believe

I sometimes look back on my life and wonder how it could have ended up this way. How someone with my capabilities has ended up seemingly stranded on the set of a soap opera. Granted, I know my life is a result of the choices I have made--but the question remains--"how could such a seemingly intelligent person make such stupid decisions?" I would like to place the blame on something besides myself--I could cite the way I was raised, or my emotional and mental instability. But by leaning on those crutches, and not accepting responsibility or admitting fault, I doom myself to this way of life forever. For if the reason for my behavior is something more than my own stupidity, then it becomes something out of my control to change, for I cannot hold sway over the actions of anyone or anything other than myself. Now, admitting that my mistakes and my current situation are my own doing is somewhat of a difficult thing to do. To shift the blame is so much easier because, in doing that, I can bypass my own failure, and pin it on something else. I can alleviate my biggest fears, for I would rather continue in this trailer-park drama, than admit that I was wrong and that I failed. Not just once, mind you, but hundreds of times--in not only trivial matters, but also life altering events with dire consequences.

I have spent my life following my passions instead of harnessing them to further myself. Passion is a useful trait-- it can be the catalyst that pushes you to great heights, that keeps you going when the mountains you face are rock and steep. But unbridled, it can destroy you and keep you from the very things that you want most. That is where I have failed--my passion has not been bridled with focus. I have lacked direction and therefore, allowed myself to be ruled by my passion. Instead of a few beneficial paths, I have followed every path imaginable--regardless of the consequences. As a result, here I am, 23 years into my life, and trying to pick up the pieces of my self. To take those things that have almost destroyed me, and mate them with direction to produce the drive that I have lacked up until this point.


My life until now has not been, however, completely futile--for I know now what I DO NOT wish to be. I have been to the depths and have nowhere to go but up.