Unreal Life

Why? That’s what they asked me. Why? I shrugged and curled up inside myself, a comforting little ball within my formidable outer body.

In truth, I wanted to know why also. I mean, truly, why? It seemed to me that life had harped on me to no end and I was left standing only by sheer will and desperation.

Why? I drift through a dream-like reality and wait for the final drumming when my eyes close for the last time.

My name is Casey Langis. I’m sure that you haven’t heard of me, no one has, actually. My life, or the drama therein, is exceedingly unrealistic. I feel as though I am living life in a padded room while outside the single pane of glass allowed, others live.

If I’ve confused you, I apologize. Maybe I should start at the beginning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was born to the typical American family. I was the youngest of two, my sister being three years older than I was…exactly. I was born on September 15, 1975, she was born September 15, 1972. It was rather errie.

The years of youth passed relatively quickly. I was the forgotten one. Not neglected, but not the highest concern of my brooding family. I was often left behind.

What do I mean? Indeed, what do I mean? If I wasn’t ready to leave when everyone else was ready to leave, I was left behind. Regardless of my age or where they were headed. I spent most of my time rushing to be ready.

My sister, Stacy, was the gem of the household. Of course, I loved her too. I actually loved her too much, I would think.

When Stacy was old enough to officially influence Mom and Dad, she would make sure they’d wait for me. As long as she was around, I was never left behind again.

Stacy had the appearance of a goddess. She had the long golden hair I longed for, flowing down her back in wild waves of sunshine. She had crystal blue eyes and lips that required no lipstick for they were the perfect hue for her skin. I’m sure you know someone like that.

She was into sports, almost too into sports, but it didn’t make her the least bit unattractive. In fact, she was shapelier than I ever hoped to be. She even had Mom’s pert little nose.

I am, of course, typical, for lack of a better word. Sports and I do not mix, much like alcohol and driving. I have limp auburn hair and although it is thick, I can never decide on a style. Long, short, curly, straight and whatever else comes off the assembly line. My eyes are hazel but I am not blessed with perfect vision like Stacy. In other words, I wear glasses and contacts. Colored contacts, so my eyes are blue like hers.

My lips are bland, looking like I’m dying of the plague or some other horrible disease if I leave them naked. My upper lip is small and nearly nonexistent while my lower lip is fuller and awkward looking. My nose is like my fathers, broad and obvious.

Now, despite my description of myself, I am truly not ugly, not exactly. I’m…typical.

Mom was the beauty men spoke about, watched on the streets and dreamed about. She was what Stacy would look like when she grew to adulthood. Tall, shapely with golden locks and a dazzling smile.

Dad was always smiling, with Mom in his life that was no big surprise. He had thick black hair and dark eyes that I knew could show fury well, though I’d never seen it. He was tall and broad, towering over everyone and yet leaving them comfortable and not the least bit intimidated. Dad had a flair for kindness, something not many people can brag about.

It fell apart, my perfect little family, my not so perfect little life. It all fell apart…so slowly that I wasn’t aware of the dominoes until it was too late to do anything…even cry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Stacy? Are you ready?” Mom called gently into her bedroom as I sat on the bed and watched Stacy put on her earrings. I was a Freshman, finally, it seemed while my sister was a Senior and the year was half over.

My transition into high school was so seamless it was almost unreal. My friends and I were protected by Stacy and her friends. Almost too well protected.

“I’m walking today, Mom.” Stacy said and I detected a change in her voice, a slight tremor maybe, or a lack of emotion. Something, though I couldn’t quite put my finger on what, was wrong.

“All right, dear. Casey?” Mom was just calling my name out of habit, something she did.

“I’m walking with her.” I replied as Stacy and I locked eyes in her mirror.

The routine had been disrupted for the first time in years and there wasn’t even a whimper of shock or denial. There was nothing.

I sat on her bed watching her unclasp her earrings and tie back her long hair.

“We’re going to be late.” I said, thinking she had decided to change her outfit. Stacy turned to me slowly, her blue eyes looking gray.

“I’m not going to school today.” Stacy said as she moved past me to the door and closed it. “You need to go. You should have gone with Mom, actually. I don’t trust you walking alone.”

It was still wrong. Her tone, her inability to look me in the eye.

“If you’re not going, neither am I.” I said and she finally turned to face me.

“There has been an incident, Case, and I fully intend to avoid the repercussions.” She sat beside me and put her arm around my shoulders. She was like my best friend/mother/sister all in one wonderful person. Something was wrong and I was waiting for her to tell me what. “Go on to school without me.”

She gave me a little hug before standing up and leaving the room. I stood and headed downstairs. She wasn’t walking, but I was. The thought of trekking to school completely alone didn’t bother me so much as the thought of attending the day alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I managed to make it through a week without Stacy, a week of walking to help protect her secret, a week of avoiding her friends and mine as well, a week of being completely alone, before it all came to a screeching halt.

Stacy prevented the phone messages from reaching Mom and Dad while I prevented the letters and other such nonsense from reaching the house. Unfortunately, Stacy was an honor student, in line for class speaker and valedictorian. So, her absences would not go unnoticed. I mean, how could you not miss Stacy?

“Why are you not attending school?” The question came from Dad with the calm voice we were so accustomed to.

“What are you talking about?” I asked. We were at the dinner table, finishing up the apple pie. Stacy placed her fork down calmly, laced her hands upon her lap, and waited.

“I’ll address your role in this next, young lady.” Dad stated and I took a heaping bite of warm pie and cool ice cream.

“I am not planning on returning to Halford High, Father.” Stacy said.

Her calling him Father seemed to bring the tension level up to the highest measure ever experienced in our house.

“Why?” Mom sat beside Dad and tilted her head. Angelic.

“Something happened.’ I said. Stacy looked at me but apparently seeing that I knew nothing more than what she had said a week earlier, returned her attention to our parents. I was out of the loop…and out of my league. I ate another bite of pie.

“Stacy?” Mom took my plate even as I reached for another bite. She placed it onto of hers, placed Dad’s on top of mine, and followed by Stacy’s. None of us were able to finish our pie. I vowed to have a late night snack. “What happened?”

“I’m thinking of attending Rockshire High.” Stacy said and I gasped, momentarily happy that I wasn’t able to get that last bite. Rockshire was over a hundred miles away, in the next county.

“Indeed.” Dad said, pondering this. “And how do you plan to get there every morning?”

“I was hoping that I could use the Dodge until I am able to find a part-time job to pay for my own car.” Stacy said and I saw Mom and Dad exchange glances.

“Will you return to Halford until your Mom and I reach a decision?” Dad asked and I wanted to leave the room. They were actually considering allowing my sister to leave me.

Being a Freshman meant being mature. I couldn’t throw a fit or say that I wanted to go to Rockshire High with Stacy. Even though, deep down, that’s exactly what I wanted to do.

“No.” Stacy said.

Dad looked at Mom again, who then got up and began washing the dishes, scraping the barely touched pie and melting ice cream into the garbage disposal. That made me want to cry.

“Go to your room so your mom and I can discuss this.” Dad said and Stacy stood and left. I bowed my head.

“Casey? Why didn’t you tell us?” Mom hadn’t turned to face me as she asked this, I could tell by the lack of clearness in her tone.

“She’s my sister.” I said, expecting them to ground me, though they hadn’t done that in years.

“Go to your room.” Dad said and I stood. “I understand your loyalty. You couldn’t have given me a better reason.”

I was so elated that I almost ran out of the kitchen until it dawned on me. Stacy was going to a different high school. Life, as I knew it, was over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They didn’t let her use the Dodge, they bought Stacy a brand new Ford. I didn’t bother seeking rides any longer. I couldn’t understand why Stacy had left me all alone. She hadn’t even told me about Rockshire High. I had been left completely in the dark and I didn’t know my way around.

Eventually, in March, Abigail approached me. She was Stacy’s closest friend, the one Senior that still acknowledged me, though Stacy was gone.

“Casey.” I almost jumped when she spoke, her voice was so gentle it was like the whisper of a familiar ghost.

“Yeah? What?” I looked up from my novel to meet her chocolate brown eyes. Abigail was African-American, beautiful with her thick black hair and square-shaped face. I envied her dark lashes as they surrounded her eyes, the perfect lift of her eyebrows, the smooth slope of her forehead. It all made me feel so plain.

“Is Stacy…okay?” Her hesitation with the question raised my curiosity a notch or two.

“What do you mean?” I asked as I set the book aside. Abigail took a seat on the opposite side, breaking our eye lock and taking the time to look around.

“She hasn’t called any of us. And she unplugged her private line.” Abigail said.

“Oh.” I didn’t know that Stacy had unplugged her phone.

“I just need to know that she’s all right.” Abigail said.

“Come home with me after school and see for yourself.” I said, bored with the conversation. Jealousy sparked. Even when Stacy wasn’t around she was still more important than me. I hated myself for the longest time after I thought that.

“Today?” Abigail asked and I nodded, picked up my novel and pretended to be enthralled in the text. “Good. I’ll pick you up at the corner stone.” And she was gone. I couldn’t help but wonder what was going on in the Senior world, since I was officially closed out of both worlds…my sister’s and her friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They were talking so quietly that I had to press my ear directly on the vent to hear them. Eavesdropping was frowned upon everywhere but sometimes it was necessary.

My sister had hugged Abigail and ushered her off to her room the moment Stacy arrived from school. Stacy shut the door and I heard the lock click.

I ran into the bathroom we shared, quietly locked the door, closed the toilet lid and stood upon it, placing my ear to the grill. The guilt didn’t come until later.

“How are you? I mean, really?” Abigail asked.

A sigh came so softly that I almost tore into the room in an attempt to comfort Stacy. “I’m holding up.”

“You know you would be welcomed back effortlessly.” Abigail said. “No one would say anything.”

“They wouldn’t need to. I’d know that they know.” Stacy said.

“He’s been watching Casey…very closely. We’ve been doing our best to keep him away.” Abigail said and I wondered who was watching me. I never noticed anyone in my solitude. “She won’t talk to us or her friends. She seems to be isolating herself.”

“I’ll talk to her. I just don’t want her asking too many questions.” Stacy replied.

“Do you mind if I ask?” Abigail whispered and I pressed against the vent so hard I just knew I would have its impressions upon my face.

“Do you really want to know, Abby?” Stacy asked.

There was a long pause and I thought I had been discovered, or that Abigail had responded and I had missed her answer. Then, “Yes.”

I heard Stacy take a couple of deep breaths. “I guess it was partially my fault. I did flirt with him and lead him on. After we left Ryan’s party, he drove us up to Lover’s Past. As we stared at the city lights he began to touch me. I told him no. Oh, God, Abigail, I told him no!” Her voice broke and I could hear her crying. That’s all that filled the room for a long while. I thought of leaving it alone now, of forgetting what I had already learned, but my body wouldn’t move.

“He…he just wouldn’t stop. I managed to open the door and get out of the car. I didn’t expect him to follow but he did. He threw me down and raped me. In the weeds, Abigail, he raped me in the weeds!” Stacy cried some more and, disgusted with myself, I stepped off the toilet and unlocked the door. Her sobbing was so loud that I could hear it, muffled.

I returned to my room, threw myself upon my bed, shut my eyes and slept.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stacy woke me for dinner. She looked normal, not red or sad. I thought of her confession, thought of the pain she suffered all alone.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“Time to eat.” Stacy said with a broad smile. “Mom and Dad went out so I made spaghetti.”

I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. “My favorite.” I said.

“I know.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just couldn’t bring myself to partake in false pleasantries and idle conversation. I waited patiently to discover why Mom and Dad had willingly gone out on a Tuesday night, why they had left me alone with Stacy.

“I hear you’re having problems.” Stacy said at last. I didn’t look at her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” I replied, expecting her to leave it be at that point.

“Hmm. Why not, I wonder.” Stacy said as she reached for my plate.

“I’m not finished.” I said coldly, so coldly that Stacy actually gasped.

“Casey?” She sounded hurt and very near tears.

“Just leave me alone. Never mind, don’t bother.” I shoved the plate away as I pushed away from the table. I ran upstairs to my room and slammed the door. As an afterthought, I locked it.

I lay face down on my bed and felt the food churning in my stomach. “I hate you.” I said as I heard the bathroom door open.

“No you don’t.” Stacy said as she sat upon my bed.

“You left me.” I argued.

“No I didn’t.” Stacy said and I rolled over and looked at her.

“Yes you did. All alone.” I felt like a two-year-old but I didn’t care. I was sick of being mature, of cowering in the dark and saying I wasn’t afraid even though I was.

“I couldn’t go there anymore.” Stacy said.

“What about taking me with you to Rockshire, then?” I asked. She sighed and looked away. I rolled back onto my stomach. “I hate you.”

“If I believed you meant that, I would die.” Stacy said, so stiffly that I faced her once more.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“Stay away from Eric, Sis. Don’t even talk to him.” She said.

I wanted to tell her that she needn’t worry about that, no one talked to me but instead I sat up and hugged her. “I love you, Stacy, and I never want to be mad at you again.”

We hugged for a long time before she pressed the issue one last time. “Just stay away from Eric.”

I couldn’t help but feel the tingle of premonition with those words and my response still haunts me. “I will. I promise.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, it wasn’t entirely my fault. He did approach me and I did send him packing. But you must remember I had become a loner. I was always alone. Not to mention I walked home alone. A solitary encounter with Eric was unavoidable.

So it was that as I walked home one Friday afternoon, he caught up to me. It never bothered me that our house was over twelve blocks away from the school and that the trek took nearly forty-five minutes. Never, that is, until that day.

“Hey, sweetie.” Eric said. He was the ultimate jock, with a thick head of brown hair, tanned, well-muscled body and piercing green eyes. Truly, his lips were full and looked kissable. It was his attitude, and my sister’s pain, that kept me cold. Normally, if things were different, I would have melted. Of course, if things were different, he wouldn’t even have looked my way.

“Where’s your car?” I asked as I quickened my pace.

“If I’d known I could get you in it, I would have brought it. I figured this was the only time I could get you alone.” He said.

“You were wrong.” I said as I calculated the distance. I was only two and a half blocks from the school. I felt defeated.

“Was I?” He asked. Only my reflexes, which aren’t that great, saved me from becoming entrapped in his arms. I walked slightly faster.

“You’ll never get me alone with you anywhere.” I said.

“We’re alone now.” He whispered.

“There’s houses all around, cars driving by. We’re not alone.” I said.

“She told you to stay away from me. I get it. Typical jealousy. I told her I was into you. She got hurt and left.” Eric moved in front of me, bringing me to a halt. As I attempted to step around him he blocked me.

“You’re a liar.” I said as I tried to pass again. He wouldn’t let me. I spun on my heel and headed back toward the school.

“Where are you going?” He asked as he caught up to me once more.

“Anywhere I can get away from you.” I said.

His hand closed around my arm, bringing me to a halt once more.

“I don’t think so, honey, not after all the trouble I went through to get your attention.” He said as he tightened his grip.

“I’ll scream, Eric.” I said.

“I don’t think so.” He replied as he hit me on the back of the head.

Ever been knocked out? I don’t recommend it. It isn’t as glorified as the writers make it. There’s a lot of pain before the soothing blackness and even the dark hurts. No, it’s not pleasant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up in his car, at Lover’s Past, well into dusk.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead.” He said coldly. “This is where your sister broke up with me. She was coy. Are you coy?” He asked.

“I don’t know how to be coy.” I said as I rubbed my head.

“You’re doing it now, sweetness.” He said and I noticed how he gripped the steering wheel.

“Sorry.” I said.

“Don’t be, baby. We’re here. We’re together.” He removed his right hand from the wheel and reached for me. I jumped. “Hey, it’s all right.” He said and I was immediately pulled against him. “Yeah.” He said. “Much warmer than your sister.”

I didn’t fight him because Stacy had and she had lost. I let him kiss me, let him touch me, until he tired and gently shoved me away.

“You’re not into it. It’s like kissing a rag doll.” He said coldly.

“Sorry, but I’m not attracted to you.” I said.

He got a small smirk on his face and looked over at me. “Not attracted to me?”

“That’s right.” I said.

“That’s impossible.” He said and he fell upon me again. This time, he was trying to remove my clothes. I fought him until he backhanded me. “Your sister fought me too and look where it got her.” He said.

I let out a scream. I didn’t even know I was able to scream that loud, didn’t know it would frighten even me. But it didn’t phase Eric. He was unbuttoning his pants.

“People expect to hear screams here, sweetheart.” He said with a sick smile.

I was waiting for the assault, waiting for the whole ‘floating above my body’ thing that was common in rapes. Instead, the passenger door opened and Eric looked up in anger and shock.

“What the hell?” He asked.

“I must say the same, young man.” Came a deep voice I remotely recognized. I was already leaving, already trying to get as far away from Eric and myself as I safely could without dying. I hadn’t left my body, but I wasn’t exactly there.

Eric was pulled out of the car from the driver’s side door, which I had never even noticed had been opened. Gentle hands pulled my clothes back over my body while strong hands lifted me out of the car.

I was listening through a fog, seeing through a veil. I felt myself being carried and I tried to resurface but I couldn’t. I could hear them talking, the familiar voices.

“Take her home.” A girl said.

“Man, that was close. It’s a good thing you saw him take her.” A guy replied.

“Only it took us too long to find her.” She said.

“How did you find them?” Another guy asked.

“We called Abigail.” The girl responded. “She said that he would probably take her up here. Where is he?”

“Unconscious. You call the police?” The second guy asked.

“Yes, Eddie.” She said. “You’ll take her home?”

“Safe and sound. You two will be all right?” Eddie asked.

“We’ll be fine.” The guy said and I heard the door close. I was in the back seat of a car, staring up at the ceiling. I heard the front door open and Eddie get in. As the door closed, I heard the sirens, distant and closing.

“Safe and sound, Casey. Safe and sound.” Eddie said as he put the car into gear. I was slowly resurfacing, slowly rejoining the pain. I whimpered softly. “No fear, Casey. It’s over.”

“I’m hurting.” I said as I tried to roll over but couldn’t. Eddie didn’t say anything.

As he drove down the mountain and toward my home, I met every kind of pain I could imagine. I though of Stacy and the pain she had endured…a pain that almost touched upon me by the same hand.

I shut my eyes and waited.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stacy allowed Eddie to carry me upstairs. I heard him telling her that the police would come soon.

“How did you know she was taken?” Stacy asked, her voice trembling.

“Sue had seen him place her in his car. She knew that she had to find help. Thomas was loading his backpack in his car so Sue got his attention.” Eddie laid me down on my bed and I watched as he faced my older, stronger sister. “They drove around for over an hour looking for him but they couldn’t find him anywhere. Sue called Abigail who panicked and sent me, along with Thomas and Sue to Lover’s Past.”

“Did he?” Stacy asked as she looked at me. She saw me watching her. She came to my side and knelt beside the bed.

“No. She screamed so loud I heard her inside my car.” Eddie said with a small smile. “And I hadn’t even reached the clearing yet.”

“Good girl, Casey.” Stacy told me as she stood and walked Eddie to the door.

I lay staring at nothing for a long time. I thought of Eddie, of his unruly blond hair and deep blue eyes, which I noticed as he carried me upstairs. His chest had been muscular and strong, his breathing even and deep, his chin had stubble on it, golden like his hair. His lips were full and soft pink, his nose slightly long and sharp, his teeth white and even.

I drifted off to sleep at last, aching and frightened. But that night, as the evil dragon Eric plagued me, my savior, my knight, Eddie, was ever ready to slay the dragon and rescue the princess. Me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sister graduated with honors and was the class elected speaker. She wasn’t valedictorian, though all knew she deserved to be. Her speech brought tears to my eyes.

All her close friends were there. Abigail, Thomas, Sue, Melissa and of course Eddie. They were dating. To my ever-living shame, I had the largest crush on Eddie that just wouldn’t go away.

I couldn’t believe how awful my Freshman year had been and even how evil Stacy’s Senior year had been. It just didn’t seem natural.

After all the congratulations and the photos, Abigail, Stacy, Eddie and I all went out to celebrate. Mom and Dad looked at me differently now, wondering what I had done to be dragged up to Lover’s Past by a rapist.

Stacy finally told them, and the police, what Eric had done to her. She was ashamed only that her delay had almost sealed my fate. Our bond was strengthened.

Abigail held out a large bottle of scotch and poured four glasses. I eagerly took mine, happy to be included. Eddie set his aside, resting back on his hands and staring up at the midday sky.

We were sitting in a clearing in the woods, Stacy and I on a log, Eddie and Abigail on the ground. We were joined spirits, kindred. I belonged and I was loved.

“To graduation.” Abigail said as she lifted her glass. Eddie picked his up and smiled.

“To friends.” He said.

“To loyalty.” Stacy added.

I swallowed. What could I say? Did they honestly expect me to say anything? They all looked and waited.

“To love.” I said as I looked first at Eddie, then at Stacy and finally at Abigail.

“To love.” They all said and we drank.

I choked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m staying down here until you start school. Then I’m moving to California.” Stacy said one day as we sat in her room with the fan blasting us.

“California?” I asked, dismayed. “But that’s so far away.

“I’m getting my journalism degree. Doing an internship this summer and moving to California to a job waiting for me.” Stacy said.

“Oh.” I needed to be mature. After being nearly raped, I understood the difference between genuine blowouts and flats on the car of life.

“After you graduate, you can join me up there.” She said.

“Really?” I asked, excited.

“Of course.” She said, and we hugged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Casey, are you ready?” Stacy asked from the doorway. I was a Junior. It seemed so long ago that Stacy moved away, that I was left alone with Mom and Dad. In two months, the school year would be over and I would be a Senior.

“Yes.” I said as I stood. I straightened my black dress in the mirror and smoothed my long hair. “Yes.”

“Let’s go.” She said.

I followed her out to the car. Dad sat in the driver’s seat, stoically. I got into the back and Stacy slid into the front.

“All right, Dad.” She said. He put the car into drive and we left the house.

“How is California?” Dad asked after we had driven a few minutes in silence.

“Lonely.” Stacy said.

“How is Eddie?” Dad asked.

“Well.” Stacy glanced over her shoulder at me. I shrugged. Eddie moved to California a month before Stacy, went to law school. He had already completed his two years of basics. Yes, he was six years older than I was. I didn’t care, I still loved him. But I couldn’t do anything about it there so he didn’t matter at that point.

“Yes, how is he?” I asked.

“He’s in a very prestigious firm. He’s doing quite well. We’re sharing a two bedroom apartment.” Stacy said.
“That’s nice. I don’t like the thought of you living alone.” Dad said.

We drove in silence, neither Stacy nor I stating the fact that in just one more year I would be up there and Dad would be the one alone.

We pulled into the cemetery. I didn’t want to get out of the car, didn’t want to see them put Mom into the ground. But I was a Junior. I was mature. I opened the door.

The smell of dirt and grass choked me and I clung to Stacy. Mom had died so quickly, the cancer killing her from the inside, so silently, I was surprised.

Watching her waste away that last month had been nearly too much for me. My beautiful mom, sick and dying. I never did cry. Even then, as I stood and watched the casket lower into the ground, I didn’t cry. Neither did Stacy. Dad did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I followed Stacy in the Dodge the next day. She left the house early without saying anything. I had been unable to sleep that night and so I was wide awake as she slipped away. I was surprised when she pulled into the cemetery.

I parked near the entrance and made the long solitary walk to Mom’s tombstone. Stacy was already there, two bottles of scotch at her side as she knelt on the fresh dirt.

I stood in the shadows of the trees and listened, at first not understanding and finally furious.

“Mom, I’m here. I know that you don’t approve of Eddie, that you don’t approve of California or my career choice. But I’m here.

“What can I say to you now that I couldn’t say to you in life? I love you. Did you know that? So does Casey. But did you love us? I believe you did.

“I went mad keeping the secret from them both. Dad and Casey. I don’t know why you told me and not them.” Stacy uncorked a bottle of scotch and took a swallow. “I don’t know why.

“You didn’t want to get treatment, didn’t want sympathy, but in the last month they went through hell. Literal hell, Mom.

“Casey isn’t strong enough for Dad to lean on. And you’re dead.” She took another drink. “You’re dead.”

Stacy drank the whole bottle and when she opened the other one, I was sure I was going to have to make my presence known. But she turned the bottle over and poured it onto the ground.

“Good-bye, Mom.” She said as she stood to her feet, swaying and stumbling to the car. I walked to the grave and looked down at the dirt. There was a large wet spot in the center.

“Good-bye, Mom. Sorry I didn’t cry.” I said as I turned I saw Stacy watching me. “Hey.” I said.

“Hey.” She replied as she swayed. “Drive me home?” She asked.

“Of course.” I said. We walked to her car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Senior year was heaven to me. I had friends and grades everyone was proud of. I had freedom, though Dad was no longer himself. And, I had the prospect of California.

Brian and I began dating during the winter holiday. A group of us had gotten a cabin in the mountains to spend most of winter break holed up. Brian and I were the only singles not embarrassed by one-night stands that never should have happened.

So it was that we were the only singles that left that cabin a couple.

He was tall and lanky, with dark brown hair he kept cropped close to his skull. He wore glasses and had a crooked smile that was actually kind of sexy. We had started as friends, otherwise we never would have looked twice at each other. The two typicals fall in love.

He was sweet and romantic, the perfect combination for a first boyfriend. As we lay upon his bed in his apartment, he lived alone, I wondered if I was ready.

He leaned over to kiss me and I smiled. “Do you want to?” He asked as he nuzzled my neck.

“Yes.” I said.

We never did, though. Neither one of us was ready, or we did not love each other enough to give in. We dated a little longer than we should have and broke it off after graduation, when I moved to California at long last, and he moved to Washington.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is amazingly funny how some manage to fall in love and marry in high school. The thought of being married to Brian was comical then and is more so now. I cared for the boy but I didn’t love him. Eddie I loved.

Being in California, close to Eddie once more, caused quite an uproar in my young hormones. Unfortunately, he and Stacy shared a room in a two-bedroom apartment. Eddie was off limits.

I joined the Police Academy out of desperation. I had no idea were my future lay but it seemed to lay in the direction of homicide detective. Training was the worst time of my life. I’m strictly nonathletic by choice and design. I almost didn’t make it.

But I was determined. I wasn’t going to leach off my sister and her lawyer boyfriend. I passed and become a cadet.

Climbing up the officer chain is slow and painful. I worked hard and achieved next to nothing but I loved being an officer. The precinct was close enough to the apartment for me to walk and the PD supplied you with a vehicle, so I didn’t have to buy a car. The greatest torture was being so close to Eddie and never being able to tell him how I felt.

One day, Eddie came in with a big smile that melted my firm resolve not to love him. He extended his hand, a key dangling from his fingers.

“I bought you a car.” He said.

“A car?” I asked as I put aside the Tami Hoag novel I was reading and stood.

“Not a new one. Your sister wants to be the one to get you a new car.” He said. “A 2000 Toyota.”

“I have a job. I can buy my own car.” I said as I reached for the key.

“Yes, but isn’t it better when it’s given to you?” He asked as he lifted the key out of my reach.

“Definitely.” I said.

“Then what do you say?” He asked.

“Thank you?” I asked and he laughed.

“Whippersnapper.” He said as he handed me the key.

“Old man.” I replied, though my heart pounded and I longed to tell him, then and there, that no one could love him more than me.

“Whose car?” Stacy asked from the front door in a tone that said she knew and the moment was gone. If I had known the price I had to pay to have Eddie, I would have left California. But one can’t see the future…that’s why a lot of times it’s so sad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, you want to be a homicide detective, huh?” Detective Mark Rogers asked as he let me into his car. “Sure you got what it takes?”

“That’s why I’m coming along.” I said as he shut my door and walked around to the driver’s side.

“Indeed.” He said as he looked at me. “Got a strong stomach?”

“Strong enough.” I said as he started the engine and headed down the street.

There had been a triple homicide. The lots were being drawn for the next promotion. Mark Rogers was the nicest homicide detective I had encountered on the force so I asked him for pointers. Hands on training, taking a shot at seeing a body, that is the only way, he’d said.

I agreed.

As the crime scene tape came into view, I felt a sick feeling of dread come over me.

“The important thing,” Mark said as the parked beside a patrol car. “Is to remain calm. No matter what you see, no one should see you lose it.”

“Gotcha.” I said though I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to get out of the car and walk.

“Ready?” He asked as he killed the engine.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I said. We got out and walked slowly toward the scene.

“You live here with your sister right?” Mark asked.

“Yes. And her boyfriend.” I said.

“What do they do?” Mark lifted the tape and let me pass first.

“She’s a reporter and he is a lawyer.” I said.

“Well, at least you don’t have to worry about lawsuits.” Mark said as we reached the first covered body. “What have we got?” He asked the officer.

“Some guy killed these two,” He said indicating the two bodies further back. “Then this one just took a wrong turn and he killed her too.”

“All right.” Mark knelt down and peeled back the sheet. My heart froze, then pounded, and then dropped before rising and lodging itself in my throat. I stared down in disbelief, felt like vomiting, wanted to lie down. Through it all, I remained outwardly calm.

“Tell me, what do you see?” Mark asked as he looked up at me.

“My sister.” I said and I turned on my heel and walked back to the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You handled that very well, Casey. Very well. You definitely have it in you to be a homicide detective.” Mark said as we walked into the morgue. Eddie was arranging for Stacy’s transport home for her funeral.

“I’m glad. Though I don’t intend on pursuing homicide any longer.” I said, coldly.

“I see.” Mark touched my arm gently, halting my progress. “The second homicide I went to as a detective was the murder of an eight year old boy and his mother. I entered the familiar apartment, looked down at my son and threw up. And I’m still here.”

“Your son?” I asked.

“When the call came, I said nothing, hoping that they were wrong. I saw my wife and son murdered, I threw up, took a week off and was back on the job with no penalties.” Mark said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because it’s what I was meant to do. It’s what you were meant to do, Casey. I’ve already decided to sponsor you and I never sponsor.” Mark smiled. “And this is not the time to discuss it.”

“I need two weeks.” I said.

“Take three.” He told me and we continued on to the morgue to claim my sister’s body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you ready, Casey?” Eddie asked me. I was sitting on the edge of the tub, staring down at my feet, which were resting in cold water. Was I ready? No. I would never be ready. Stacy was dead.

“No.” I finally said as I moved my right foot ever so slightly and watched the ripples. “No.”

“Come on, Casey. I’ll be there with you.” Eddie said and I nearly laughed.

“Is that supposed to make it better? Easier?” I felt the laughter tickling the back of my throat. I couldn’t laugh, I couldn’t be that cruel.

“Casey.”

“Do you remember that day at Lover’s Past? Do you remember Eric?” I asked suddenly as Eddie reached down and opened up the drain. “Do you?” I pressed when he didn’t answer.

His face was next to mine but he stared at the tile wall as I looked at his profile. “Yes.”

“You and Sue and Thomas, right?” I asked.

“Casey…” Eddie sighed.

“Right?” I sounded hysterical, even to myself.

“Yes.” Eddie replied.

“You carried me to your car, drove me home, carried me up to my room. Do you remember?” I asked as he straightened, taking hold of me and making me stand.

“Casey…I remember, okay.” He knelt before me and dried my feet. My heart slammed against my insides, my breathing quickened. On the day of my sister’s funeral, her fiancée was kneeling before me, drying my feet and sliding them into low-heeled shoes.

“I can do that.” I said, suddenly self-conscious.

“I’m already done.” Eddie said as he stood, his blue eyes boring into mine. “Stay strong, Casey, because I can’t stay strong without you.”

I nodded, swallowed and allowed him to lead me from the bathroom Stacy and I used to share.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was raining. I looked at the casket being lowered into the ground beside Mom’s and I felt the rain hitting my face. I couldn’t cry. Just like Mom’s funeral, I was somewhere else, holding back tears and remaining distant and aloof.

Eddie stood beside me throughout the ceremony. As the rain fell harder, he moved closer, placing his umbrella over us both. The rain no longer hit my face. I missed it. Without the sky’s moisture, all would see that I didn’t cry.

As I tried to move out from under the barrier, Eddie slid his arm about my shoulder and whispered in my ear. “Do not be ashamed of your tears, Casey.”

“I’m not.” I whispered back. “I’m ashamed of my lack of tears.”

They said the Lords Prayer, sang Amazing Grace, stood solemnly by the gaping wound in the ground before drifting away in groups of two and three.

I finally looked up from my sister’s coffin, something I never thought I would see, and met the eyes of a man I never believed I would have to see again.

“Eric.” I hissed. Even as I moved to flee, Eddie held me in place. Melissa and Eric approached us together, Melissa apologetic, Eric proud.

“Could’ve had me.” Eric said.

“Back off, Myers.” Eddie said.

“Ah, the protector.” Eric pulled Melissa against him. “Meet my wife. Oh, that’s right, you’ve met.”

I stared harshly at Stacy’s friend, tried to intimidate her. She smiled and shrugged. They stood in the rain, no umbrella covered their bodies. Of that I was envious.

“Go away. You don’t deserve to be here.” I said lowly.

“I have every right to be here. I was her first, remember?” Eric laughed. “Almost yours too, right?” Eric reached out to touch my face but Eddie’s fist slammed into Eric’s jaw, knocking him to the ground.

“Back off, Eric, or I’ll finish what I started that night on Lover’s Past.” Eddie said. He didn’t wait for Eric to respond. Instead he turned me away and we walked to the car. Dad stood by it, his eyes empty, his face slack. I was momentarily glad that Detective Rogers had given me three weeks. Dad looked like he needed me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood in the airport terminal alone. Eddie had gone back to California the week before. Dad hadn’t spoken to me, hadn’t truly acknowledged me, until that morning when he asked me to stay.

“I’m all alone.” He said to me. “All alone.”

“Daddy. I need to go back to California. My job is there, my life is there.” Eddie is there, I added silently.

“Stay, Casey. I can’t live alone.” Dad said.

“Move to California with me.” I said. He had lived alone while Stacy and I were in California. I didn’t see the difference.

“Stay, Casey. Stay.” He said, over and over until I wanted to scream.

“I can’t, Dad. I can’t. I’ve got to go, I’ll miss my flight.” I said, as I hugged him good-bye.

I had been paged twice over the intercom, as I stood alone in the airport. I knew what the page meant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was painless to bury Dad. I guess it was painless to bury all of them. Detective Rogers told me to take as long as I needed. I told him to give me a week. That time he didn’t offer more.

Dad had hung himself on the front porch. He didn’t want me to make it to California and have to fly back. He said so in the note he left. He hung himself where he was sure to be found right away. No one checks up on old men living alone, he wrote, so I’ll make sure they see me.

I stood before the three tombstones, Dad’s was temporary, and wondered if I was alone. My mom, sister and dad were dead. Didn’t that mean I was alone?

It was not raining but it was overcast as I looked at my family’s final resting places. There was a place beside dad’s newly replaced dirt for me. The family plot.

I knelt upon the damp ground, before my sister’s grave. “Well, I’m here.” I said and it rang so familiar that I was tempted to leave but I stayed. “I want to be here though. I want to say good-bye.

“I don’t understand why Mom didn’t tell me she was dying. I don’t know what you were doing in that alley, Stace, but that couldn’t be helped. You were meant to leave me. That’s all there was to it. Right?

“But Dad…I offered you to join me. I offered to take you in. I loved you. You were all I had left.”

I felt them and was actually shocked that they had finally shown up. Tears. I was crying.

I gave into the sobs, allowing the sadness that had remained locked behind my walls of maturity to break forth and destroy all traces of the adult Casey.

Finally, after crying for as long as my body would let me, I straightened my shoulders.

“Dad, you’ve left me alone now. All alone.” The gentle pressure of hands on my shoulders didn’t bring me fear. “All alone.”

“No, Casey. No.” Eddie knelt beside me and pulled me into his embrace. “Not alone. I flew down here just to with you. You’re not alone…you have me.”

“Safe and sound?” I sniffed as I cuddled against his broad chest.

“Safe and sound.” Eddie whispered as he held me before Stacy’s grave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After returning to California, Eddie offered me the Master Bedroom of the apartment. I refused. I liked my room. Small, insignificant…just like me.

The night that I fully realized Eddie’s love still burns in my mind like a persistent flame.

I sat in the darkness, listening to nothing, thinking of nothing. My nights were filled with solitary moments like that. Mark insisted it was the only way to cleanse your mind of the horrific things seen as a homicide detective. He insisted that reading didn’t help.

Stubborn, I tried reading, but every victim came to life as I read, every killer frightened me, cut me deeply with their perverse logic and sick way of thinking.

So, I’d sit and think of nothing, just like Mark had taught me, and I would sleep the whole night through.

Eddie came home and sat beside me.

“Want to talk?” He asked me.

“No.” I said as I stared at the white wall.

“I do.” Eddie said. I sighed and turned to face him.

“Okay.” I said.

“That night, at Lover’s Past, when I saw him on top of you I lost it. The only thing keeping me sane was the thought that I couldn’t let you stay in his car a moment longer.” Eddie sighed and looked away. “I fastened your pants, pulled down your shirt and lifted you out of the car as Thomas pulled Eric out of the other side.”

“You?” My mouth went dry. Eddie was the one who tenderly covered me, who touched me so gently.

Eddie looked down at his hands. “After I put you in my car I found Eric. Thomas had punched him a good one, square in the nose, broken it. I threatened Eric, did some things I’d never done before, and left him bleeding and unconscious by his open car door.” Eddie looked at me, his eyes taking on the hue of fragile china, blue and breakable. “Even as I carried you to your room that night,
I knew I loved you. I knew, without a doubt that I had to have you.”

“No…no.” I tried to stand but my legs wouldn’t let me.

“Stacy was more my age and I knew you wouldn’t be interested in me. But I had to be in your life, you understand? I had to be near you.”

“You loved Stacy. You did.” I shook my head in denial.

“I cared for Stacy. I loved you.” Eddie looked away before continuing. “I love you.”

“No. Don’t you see? You’re settling. Stacy is dead, Eddie. That’s it. She’s dead.” I began to cry and he wrapped me in his embrace once more.

“I love you, Casey. Only you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night, we made love. I did it because I was so desperate to have him, so desperate to believe that he wanted me as long as I wanted him, that I gave him my most precious gift.

He held me long into the morning, kissed me and told me he loved me. I didn’t see how he could have loved me when he had Stacy. I felt like I had betrayed her.

He told me that it was meant to be, that I was meant to be his, always. I finally told him the truth, that I had loved him so long ago as well. He kissed me and swore he’d never leave me. I smiled and swore I’d always love him.

The love that blossomed between us from that point on only made me burn fiercer than before. As I finally reached the ranks of homicide detective, I realized that what Eddie had said was true. He had loved me from the beginning. He had.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you ready, Casey?” I ask myself as I look in the mirror at my white wedding gown. In mere moments, I would be walking down the aisle toward Eddie and my future. Abigail straightens my veil and I smile at her. My life has been unreal. People ask me why. I don’t know.

But the future twinkles out there with promises unseen. Promises of joy, of sadness, of laughter, and of tears. I know that no matter what comes, I will be here.

The doors open and Abigail squeezes my hand. This is it. I’m marrying the man I love. No matter what the future takes, no matter what it brings, I will cry when I should and laugh as often as possible.

For my life may be unreal, but it is still my life. And that, my friends, is why.