How Sailor Moon Saved My AP Grade

Based on a true story.

Based on a true story...
It was a normal day at Gridley High. The snow was storming outside, but young adults went about their morning with an awaking, peaceful focus. Until...

“What?! We have a test today?!”

“Yeah, in AP Bio. We’ve known about it since Monday—” It was Wednesday. “—and we’ve already gone over the stuff.” Two days of scribing down notes faster than a person could comprehend. “You mean you haven’t studied?”

Terri didn’t know what to think. The digestive system was such a complicated process, what with so man enzymes to memorize and all the macromolecules to track...a person needed more than two nights of cramming to hope for a good grade. But then, Terri hadn’t crammed at all. There was pre-calc homework to do and a German test to prep for. And of course, one mustn’t forget the three pages due on the evils of overseas sweatshops. (Nike evil. Bad Nike, bad!) There just weren’t enough hours in the day to get A’s in every class.

Luckily, Advance Placement Biology wasn’t until last period. She would have the whole day to cram. This wasn’t an easy task. Terri got lost twice while the class read from Thoreau’s “Walden”. (Who wouldn’t? It’s so dry! Emerson’s better anyway.) Then she forgot what for his mother was in German because she was spending all her time trying to spell proteolytic enzymes, aminopeptidase, pyloric sphincter, and the such. She gave up lunch to study (hindsight, not a smart move. So v. hungry....) and missed half of the lecture in both math and geography, but in the end, it was worth it.

The test on the digestive system was made up of 70 points; 30 multiple choice and a 40 point essay. The essay was: Track a happy meal (™) through the digestive system. Describe what must happen to break down the different macromolecules. So Terri went to work and started the essay first. Unfortunately, there was one thing she hadn’t counted on. It was a focus day. Which meant all the other periods had a shorter hour to make room for a midday study hall. (She studied then, too.) That meant she had a shorter time to write her essay than she thought she would.

Terri wrote as fast as her little fingers would let her. An obsession for writing had trained her to write legibly, yet hastily, but after the first twenty minuets of speed writing, her hand started feeling the effects.

She was almost to the end of the small intestines when her Bio teacher, one Mister Krutzner, started making rounds, looking over the shoulders of his students as they took their tests. He passed by four desks before Terri’s, but once he saw her essay, he looked around at the rest of his students. “You guys do know I only wanted to know how the different macros were broken down, didn’t you?”

Many of the other students voiced obscenities similar to what Terri felt. She looked down at her paper, shrugged, and continued to finish what she started. An essay was an essay. Besides, what was he going to do? Grade her down for knowing too much?

After the essay, she moved on to the multiple choice questions. By then, there was only ten minutes left on the clock, and Krutzner wouldn’t allow his students to stay after or come in early the next day to finish it. It was now or never.

After the horrors she had faced battling with the essay, the multiple choice questions didn’t seem so bad anymore. In fact, the questions were so easy, they were insulting! It was so simple to whiz through them, but afterwards, there was a small ‘fill in the blank’ section. The question was: What are the four stages of digestion?

Terri’s mind drew a blank (No pun intended. Not really). After all the words she had learn how to spell (Which was hard because she couldn’t spell for beans. Seriously, B-E-E-N-S!) and all the enzymes’ functions she memorizes, it was this one question that had her stumped.

She decided to take it slow. All right, she thought. First you eat. That’s ingestion. She scribbled it down. Next, there’s digestion. Then absorption. She wrote down those two as well, but her memory failed her as she struggled to catch the thought of what the final stage was.

Sixty seconds on the clock!

Her mind wandered. Her life flashed before her eyes. Her first Halloween. The first time she fell off her bike. LOTR 3: Return of the King. Last week’s plant test...

Then it hit her. All of a sudden, she was sitting in front of her TV. It was after school and she was munching on a bowl of cereal. (Frosted Flakes; not just a breakfast food anymore!) And she was watching something. A kid’s show. An anime. “Moon Scepter Elimination!” (Yeah, she was a Moonie. What, you wanna make somethin’ of it? It was a long time ago, so shaddap or I’ll punch you in the throat!)

Elimination! That was the answer!

Three...

She quickly scribed the word down,

Two...

stood up,

One...

and handed her test off to Mr. Krutzner.

Briiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggg!!

She did it! The test was done, and it wasn’t as terrible as she thought it would be. (Ha! In your face Kapsn—Uh, I mean Krutzner....Yeah....right.)

As she gathered her things, Terri started for the door when Mr. Krutzner said, “Have a nice day. Oh, and I won’t be here on Thursday and Friday, so good luck for everyone who’s taking the ACTs on Saturday. My condolences.”

Terri paused, then groaned. As she made her way to her locker, she lamented the fact that she was one of those sorry souls who were about to face the test with the highest evility rating of them all. (Evility is a word. I made it up. You like?) Maybe Sailor Moon could help her out there, too. One could always hope....

*******

Epilogue:
You have just read about one of the many less hectic days in the life of Terri Roberts. In case your wondering, she aced the test with a score of 67 out of 70. (That’s 95.7% for those of you out there without access to calculators.) We still do not know the outcome of the ACT test, but if there’s anyone out there who really cares, we’ll let ya know.

Ms. Roberts is a trained procrastinator with years of experience behind her. Don’t try any of the above without a certified diploma from www.i’lldoittomorrw.com or its equivalent. Remember, lunch is the most important meal of the day, (If people tell you it’s breakfast, they’re lying.) so never skip it. And despite what your parents may say, watch as much TV as you can. You never know when what you see will come in handy someday.

Thanks a bunch. Hoped you enjoyed! Now I have to go back to drinking my Mountain Dew. Caffeine! Blessed caffeine!

(The End...)