Give Texas Back to Mexico

         Over the years, country western music has slowly crept into the lives of millions of Americans, creating a shortage of intelligent, literate, fashion sensible and well-spoken citizens. Its songs are played on more radio stations than they were originally designed to. Its style has influenced homecoming all across the country and its messages have penetrated the brains of those who cannot think for themselves. Instead, listeners do what the music tells them. Therefore, I propose we rid ourselves of country music, forever.
         For one thing, country music is depressing. All the songs are written about domestic abuse, suicide, alcoholism, and personal problems nobody really wants to hear about. They encourage people to wallow in their own pity, and because the country music industry is successful, the songs encourage people to make money off other people’s misery. The songs promote the usage of bad grammar. Words such as “ain’t”, “y'all”, and “fixin’” are making their way back into everyday vocabulary. Country music also seriously damages the fashion world because people think they can wear cowboy boots with suits. On top of it all, square dancing is simply wrong.
         To completely rid the world of country music, I propose we give Texas back to Mexico. Today, Texas is the home of many country western singers and songwriters. Giving Texas back to Mexico would considerably reduce the amount of chart-topping country western songs (and presidents) in America. They would now be Mexico’s problem. It would also be beneficial to place high taxes on leather goods used to make cowboy hats, boots, gloves, and saddles. There should also be an extra tax on all leather belts with a buckle larger than five centimeters in diameter.
         The use of washboards as musical instruments should be banned and music appreciation should be a required class for all high school students to take in order to graduate. As part of busing inner-city students to the suburbs, some should be bused to rural schools to expose students to a new venues of music such as punk, ska, funk, and hip-hop. Finally, the complete ban of country music is not possible without government intervention. New legislation should be passed requiring all rednecks to appear on the television show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”
         Banning country music has an endless amount of benefits. There are, of course, the obvious advantages. Domestic violence and alcoholism would decrease, and more money would go to the failing punk rock industry. There is still the question of where all of the now unemployed country western singers, songwriters, and agents will go. They can transform all of their sorrowful messages into self-help books and the world will never have a shortage of psychiatrists again. All DJ’s on country western stations can become social workers to solve all of the problems created by the songs they played daily, or they can become employees on the newly created marching band music stations.
         On top of it all, there will be more paved roads because everyone knows there cannot be country western songs without dirt roads. Plus, the only people with nasal accents would be Midwesterners of Scandinavian descent. However, perhaps the best benefit of outlawing country western music would be the increase of literacy rates in America. This is because truck drivers will now be forced to listen to books on tape because, once they reach the middle of nowhere, there is not anything else to listen to except country music.
         In the end, America would be a much better place without country western music. The music is depressing and makes people believe they can wallow in their pity. The best solution for ridding the country of country western music would be to give Texas back to Mexico. In addition, there will be less illiterate American citizens and more self-help books and psychiatrists. Besides, what is the point of country western music now that Johnny Cash has gone to his great reward?
 
 
Written in the style of Johnathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal."