How I'm Going To Vote This Election

How I’m Going to Vote this Election

It started about August. Maybe it was a little sooner, but not much. I was walking through the living room when the phone rang. Living in this day and age of course means we have a phone in just about every room. I drew the line at the bathroom. A man has to have some refuge from the world. As I was saying, the phone rang…and of course everybody expected somebody else to answer it. After the third ring and knowing that on the fourth the answering machine would pick it up I made a lunge for it and lifted it to my ear. “Hello?” I said. After several moments of silence a voice responded. “Hello, this is Senator…” Realizing I was the victim of a political solicitation, that apparently is exempt from the so-called no-call solicitation list, which by-the-way was passed into law by… you guessed it, politicians, I muttered something unkind under my breath about Senator what’s-his-name and slammed the receiver down. Little did I realize…

Much as I’m sure the iceberg the Titanic hit didn’t really look like a lot to worry about above the waterline, so this one phone call didn’t worry me a lot. Neither did the second, or the one my wife mentioned several weeks later, but now we are about two weeks away from the election and the occasional pestering phone call has turned into an onslaught worthy of Genghis Khan and his band of not-so-merry marauders.

As they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty and if I had known what to expect on that almost forgotten day back in August I would have started a list. I would have carefully noted each phone call, the time of day, and for which candidate it was being placed. Perhaps I would have built a spreadsheet with the information, maybe even turned it into a web page for the entire world to see, and I most assuredly would have written to each candidate that was already in office and questioned him or her as to why political calls were left off the no-call list…as if I didn’t already know. But all is not lost. I have a fair to good memory, especially for those wonderful folk that tick me off, just ask the people that work with me. So, here’s my plan. When I step into the polls on Election Day, I will carefully scrutinize the list of candidates and if I received a computerized, pre-recorded nuisance, political call on behalf of a candidate, I will vote for his/her opponent…unless.

In the case of the presidential race, both camps have hounded me, repeatedly. Therefore, Mr. Bush and Mr. Kerry you are both out of luck. I would’ve voted for Ralph Nader, he never called. I figure he never called because, A.) He was too busy trying to get on the ballot and B.) he didn’t have the money. Therein lies the crux of my reasoning for voting for the candidate that has never pestered me during an evening meal or pennant race. I figure if he/she doesn’t have the money then he/she must be like me, just trying to pay the bills and make it through the next day, and if that’s the case, then maybe, just maybe, if they’re elected they’ll remember that when voting to raise taxes or cut jobs. Of course, I’m not delusional. I know if elected, and if they’re able to afford those phonal assaults during the next election, they’ll be doing it. But, then again, somebody will be running against them, won’t they?

Oh, and who do you vote for if both candidates have contacted you? Well, there’s always the space for a write in. In my case, I’m beginning to like the sound of Umholtz for President. The first plank of my platform? No phones in the bathroom.