Those Annoying Shoes

This is a classification essay I had to do for English. I put it off until the last minute and ended up doing it 12 hours before school started. (I.E. pulled an all nighter.)
p.s. Please excuse any bad spelling. An essay on that tedious subject will be posted soon.





It is said that all children dread but a few things, that being a child is nothing but blissful memories. Being a kid myself I have found this to be untrue, in-fact almost to the point of being a lie. For instance, all children up to about the age of sixteen dread the mere thought of doing any chores, sometimes this fear of chores can spill over to most of your adult life as-well. Almost just as bad is: school. If any child has to think, ON PURPOSE! It is something not to embrace as a learning opportunity, but to fight off nail and tooth; as a disease like E-bola or maybe even - God forbid- the Flue. This childhood dread most people never get over and are often scarred for life. But next to these trivial happenings, I think the one I always wet my bed over, was shopping for shoes...Yes, I said it, the word that strikes fear into the hearts of so many youngsters (perhaps you felt it too?), the dreaded ball and chain your parents forced you to wear every where you went, especially outside; SHOES!!
To enlighten the civilized world as we know it, I am going to attempt to put a stop to this malicious terrorizing of innocent children, by shedding light on a few of the most painful types of shoes a child is forced to wear.


The First: Dress Shoes
This is a particular torture-weapon mothers are mysteriously fond of. This type of shoe is known to pinch. For example, you may be peacefully sitting cherub-like in the pew on Sunday morning, when suddenly, the centipede ( other-wise known as a shoe) starts to pinch. You inconspicuously wiggle your toes to increase circulation, but to no avail. You then feverishly wedge a finger between your foot and the shoe, but only succeed in pinching your finger instead, thus causing you to hop up and down in your seat, making small yelping noises like a dog.
After a shush and possibly even a slap from your mother, you quiet down. You now, start to relax again, to daydream about ponies in a circus until the call for Sunday School is given. But, what is that?! A PINCH!

I have found that not only I seem to have a problem with dress shoes, my whole family does. My mother, after church, can be found anywhere without her shoes. If you'd look down you would know why. Her little toes on each foot would be so squished together, in such a deformed way, they could actually be heard crying out for help, or maybe even an ice-pack. My Dad, who is behind the pulpit most of the time, can mask the face of a pinched foot considerably well. Somtimes he wears sneakers to church on a-count of all that walking back and forth he'll be doing.
My brother has devised a very effective and genius way to avoid the torture of wearing dress shoes: Whenever Mom would hold his foot to put his shoe on, he would curl his foot so that his toes and heel would touch, almost like a ballerina, or a gymnast. The fact being that shoes are not designed to fit a fist-shaped foot, it was quite easy to substitute sneakers, or maybe even flip-flops. This method, although effective, is to be practiced with the utmost dedication, or it will not work in case a frantic mother pries open your toes with her teeth and on top of that, still has the audacity to put the shoe on. this by practicing with any pair of shoes, even the most comfortable, can be avoided.
My two younger brothers have not yet to know the pains and labors of putting a dress shoe on, since they are young enough to get away with going to church barefoot. And why not? After all, it is holy ground, is'nt it?



Second: Boots
This type of foot wear is essential to anyone's closet,...that is if you are often intimidated. These shoes are known to give you the appearance of a small gorilla, stomping around and grunting. I once made the mistake of wearing my army boots to the annual fair. NEVER do this! You might get arrested for just plain looking conspicuous. I often had to look down at my feet and cheer them on, hoping they would move. " come on! You can do it! just an inch, Come on!" Boots are usually rather heavy, and you might, sometimes, have to, actually, physically bend over and pick up your ankles to make you move, giving you a stooped over amphibian appearance. My mother had insisted that we all were bright red, so as not to get lost in the fair crowd. She needn't have worried. I'm sure if she followed the two inch dino-tracks that were made by my feet, she would have found me just fine.
Wearing boots while hiking is the stupidest thing you can do. Boots have a tendency to eat your socks( if your wearing any) and the edge of your heels along with it. Plus climbing a mountain is hard enough without all that extra weight; and I'm not talking about the backpack either.


Third:Sneakers
This kind of shoe is anything but sneaky, no matter what it is called. They are notorious for squeaking at the most inconvenient of times; like the library for instance. This is usually the times when the unrightfully named sneaker decides to strike, with a loud and deafening squeak just as you turn a corner. This usually gets you a stern look from the librarian and a sharp shush from Mom. But, how could it be your fault. It's the sneakers. Sneakers also, almost always smell; and badly. You yourself, may not notice it, but you will when your play mates suddenly exclaim:
"Whew! What died!" or if your friends are as senseless as you are, you might get a clue when you or when of your friends pass out from the noxious fumes emanating from your, now obvious, stinkers.


Fourth: Sandals
These are said to be the most comfortable shoes to wear and they are, but annoying! They have a tendency to SAY, not GO, "flip-flop" in case you didn't know. They always get sand in them, branding you to be the first to pun: "Wait a minute, I got sand in my sandal!" They provide the least amount of protection against stray stones and stomping brothers. They also have a tendency to fall off, particularly while you are crossing a street, particularly a busy one. Naturally you stop and bend over to retrieve it, but it MOVES. Which, in fact, probably will save your life, for if it hadn't moved, you wouldn't have followed it and would have been crushed by the gigantic herby heading your way. If you'r really unlucky you might get saved in the nick-of-time by some passing pedestrian, who is now the local hero. Most annoying!



Fifth:Dangerous
This particular type of foot-agony is deserving of a category all of its own ( if not a permanent eviction from the country) the High-heel. I decided at the age of ten that I needed a pair of high-heels and so, I bought a pair. If only I had known the permanent effects it would have on me. Often with-in ten minutes of wearing these shoes your toes, heels, arches and ankles start to hurt, making you swear that if God had intended for humans to walk like this, that he would have given us hoofs. ( You turn into an animal anyway, after no more then an hour with them on.) You might find yourself walking along with plain, comfortable sneakers on, when suddenly your ankle gives out, going one way while your body goes another. This sort of spontaneous limp is one of the effects of putting a high-heel on your foot. BEWARE OF THE HIGH-HIGH! Do not succumb to their disarming beauty and appeal! Many a foot-doctor will tell you just how dangerous they are.
"Why, yes Ma'm, I absolutely agree. High-heels are dangerous. Why, just the other day I was removing a particularly tight high-heel off a patients foot, when it popped off and flew right out the window landing on a young women's head. Luckily, it gave her the epiphany to write an essay on the dangers of shoes, not only to the feet, but to any part of the body, even the head."


In conclusion, I would like to say that if anything can scar a childhood, its shoes. So, parents, take this essay into careful consideration, and reflect on some of your own memories. Think about what your putting your kids through. If we all realize the inhumanity of wearing shoes, we will eventually succeed in banning them from the planet. But, alas, all things must come to an end, for I am turning sixteen and will soon be a grown up. So cherish this paper well, for it may be the last thing I say that makes sense.