Two-Sided Cry

He just has to be here doesn't he? Why?

Why won't this pain go away?

He is just always here...he never leaves...I wish he would. I'd like to think that my life would a lot easier without him around me so much.

The pain...it just won't stop. It won't end. I hurt so much...and people’s words...they try to help but it does not work. I just want to be happy. The pain will not go away. What do I have left?

He puts his hand over my chest...right on top of my heart and it hurts. His touch hurts so much; never was gentle.

Pain...it makes my heart so bitter and cold to the touch. I have become so resentful of everyone around me. Even people I do not know. I do not want to feel this way anymore. This pain hurts to much to bear.

I just want to be happy.

Damn! Why does happiness have to so hard for me to achieve? What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me?

I have no confusion...He came and left. It is just him now. He will not leave. He is just a stubborn piece of shit.

I was confused. I sat down and thought some things out. During my period of reflective thinking I was forced to realize some things and certain facts about me that I did not want to. I know what I want and I know what I need. Just because I know these two things does not mean I will acquire them though. Damn, I wish it did though. I'd give just about anything to not be alone anymore. Although I have toned down on the wanting part though.

When He puts his arms around me, parts of me slowly fade away. I hurt so much. Over much, I do not know why. He causes this. He always does.

I do try. I try to make the pain stop. I try to give myself encouragement, I try to look at the bright side of things, yet still it feels as if the pain is following me. I am loosing myself. I know it...

It never changes...It all hurts too much. When He holds me all I can do is cry because it feels like He is consuming me. Hell...I know He is not consoling me. He has never done that and never will.

I feel like my pain is taking over my life and me. I do not want to be like this forever. Will I really live out my life like this, so alone and sad?

No matter how much I cry...it all still hurts, everything damn thing.

I cry and cry and nothing changes. I know people around me are slowly losing their patience with me and they have a right to. I know what it is like to be on the other end. It still does not change the fact that I hurt though. This does not even lessen the pain. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with someone. I hope I get to have this in my life. Lord only knows how bad I want this and how long I have been waiting.

We will sit at table together and I will try so sit on the far side but He grabs my hand and forcefully pulls me close. I take this as him not wanting me to go anywhere without him.

I try to move away from the pain but even this does not work. I cannot ignore it, I cannot accept it, I know I cannot hide from it, I can do nothing.

He does everything...