Take It Back, Please!

I dragged the gigantic stuffed panda out of my trunk and wedged it into the shopping cart. Old people and their grandkids slowed down in golf carts to watch as the panda flopped over the side and tipped headfirst out into a puddle as if it were alive. I wondered if my ensuing wrestling match with it was being posted on TikTok.

At the return desk, the queue was seven stragglers long. Carts piled high with go-backs—everything from eggnog to jumbo thermoses to socks and tinsel and toys—were lined up, waiting to be shuffled off to their respective departments.

"Got that for Christmas, eh?" The guy in front of me made cautious eye contact with the black and white beast as it bumped into him.

"Yeah. It barely fits in my apartment."

"I feel ya."

Forty-five minutes later, I pulled the cart sideways along the return counter. I met a skeptical glare from the young lady at the register, who leaned over and reached for the panda's head to lift the ear tag up so she could scan it.

"This ain't in our system," she announced, loud enough for the whole store to hear. "You must've bought it somewhere else."

"I didn't buy it… it was a gift," I sighed. "This is the only store I've ever seen selling stuffed animals this big, so I figured I could bring it back for a gift card."

"Just because it's ginormous don't mean we sell it. We ain't Sam's Club here."

"Please don't tell me I'll have to haul this back to my car."

"I'm afraid so."

"Are you sure you didn't sell it even just for Christmas? Maybe it's not in the system anymore, but…"

"Maybe if I take a picture of the tag I can see who sells it." She pulled her phone out and initiated a search.

"Debbie, you're holding up the line." A short, brisk manager guy appeared, frowning. "If we don't sell the item, it's not our responsibility to find out who does."

"Sorry, I thought I'd help him out. He doesn't want it, obviously."

"Well jeepers, we don't want it either!" The manager barked. "What is it, eight feet tall? I'll be darned if I've ever seen that monstrosity in my store. Get it out!"

"I apologize for this terrible inconvenience," I said, glancing sheepishly behind me at the half-irate, half-amused faces in line. "I'd better just leave…"

"Wait!" Debbie waved her phone. "I found it! It's from a third party who sold it on our website."

"What?!" The manager peered over her shoulder at the screen. "Well, I never. What an outrageous price." He rubbed his forehead, glaring at the oversized panda who seemed to grin impishly. "Our policy is to take back affiliate items and process the return shipping ourselves… but land sakes, I'd have to pay the whole team overtime to pack this thing up!"

A wave of chuckles arose behind me.

"Show me how to ring it up, boss. I've never done a third-party return before."

"Eh, now's your chance. Hit the Enter key…"

He jabbed a pen at her register screen, guiding her through the process.

"Reason for return?" She looked up at me.

"Um, like, it's larger than life? I'm pretty sure I'd rather have a real panda than this giant bag of dust mites!"

Debbie giggled.

"We'll just say "wrong size," then. You know, he's actually kinda cute…" She leaned over and ran a hand through the panda's thick fur.

The register spit out an inventory slip which she taped to the tag. Then she presented me with a gift card for the price of it. I hung onto my cart as she and her boss hoisted out the giant stuffed panda and swung it into a corner, where it slumped rather dejectedly.

"Aww, now he looks sad," she said. She pulled a Panama hat out of a tub of go-backs and arranged it on the panda's head.

Her boss laughed and fished out a pair of blue mirror-lense sunglasses to put on it.

"Safari Panda. Why not?"

"Hey, now I want a selfie!" Debbie brought out her phone again. "Maybe it'll be our mascot!"

"Saves us the trouble of getting a box big enough to send it away," the boss said wryly.

The last time I saw that enormous thing, she and her boss had it balanced between them, furry arms across their shoulders, while another employee and several customers took pictures. I swear it looked over the sunglasses at me and winked.

Words: 755.
Written for "The Bard's Hall Contest" 
Prompt: Try returning a giant stuffed panda after Xmas.