The Art of Training Drop Bears

Mr. Blue Pants sat down next to Mr. Pink Panties. They huddled together. Not out of personal affection but so they could both view Blue Pants' small cellphone screen.

Blue Pants was going pale as he shoved the phone between them. "Comrade, have you been watching the latest videos from Australia?" He asked. "I found some content that will be relevant for our mission."

Pink Panties rolled his eyes. "You are certain this is a necessary?"

"Just shut up and look, you fool."

Blue Pants pushed the screen. A video with an attractive, blonde woman in a khaki outfit that looked to be for a safari began talking on screen.

"Do you want to defend Australia from idiot tourists? Are you ready to train a cute, cuddly, attack marsupial? If you're a local, answered yes to either of these questions, this guide is for you!

I'm Tara Brown, Cryptozoologist and professional animal trainer. I'll be your natural guide as we learn about this wonderful creature endemic to our country. With the tourist season already underway there's never been a better time to discover the Drop Bear.

For decades, main stream scientists assumed that all online photographs of the Drop Bear were just digital fabrications. Merely someone using Koalas to scare people. Today, I'm telling you, nothing could be further from the truth.

Neither are they to be confused with the fictitious monster in a certain card game. We're not even talking about the minions of a spiky haired anime character but a real, flesh and blood creature found only in Australia.

I spent six months in the outback studying both Koalas and Drop Bears. It turns out their diets and habits are much different. Koalas are exclusively nocturnal and eat eucalyptus. This newly discovered marsupial is active during dawn and dusk and eat meat.

They're ambush predators that climb up into the tops of trees and attack quickly. Kind of like domestic cats with a shorter tail and opposable thumbs.

Now, they are unusual in that they instinctively know if you're not a local. To demonstrate, I've brought my personal Drop Bear, Teddy, and two of my best mates to volunteer. One of them is Australian and the other is a United Statsian. They're both wearing protective body armor so no worries if Teddy gets carried away.

Now I've got my Teddy on a lead so he knows to wait for me to release him and give the command. With a wave from both of our volunteers we're ready to get started. Now pay close attention. All right, Teddy 'Krikey!'

As you can see he's gone right for the United Statsian. Good thing my mate's wearing all that padding. Teddy's gone into--"

Pink panties tapped the screen incessantly. When the video kept pausing and un pausing he smacked the phone to the ground. Causing its screen to crack in a spider web with a nexus along the side that impacted first. The screen still displayed the splintered image of a Drop Bear savaging the man in armor.

"What on Earth? Are we sure this video isn't a deep fake? What abominable bio-weapons!"

"Pink, I am an expert on digital media. There's no hint of editing or computer generated imagery."

"Blue, we must inform General Stink of this! Surely the glory of N'existpas doesn't hinge on our visiting such a place."