Perilous Thoughts

Sad Sad Sad

Here it is, Friday night, again. I sit here, alone, not waiting by the phone for any particular call but surely, peculiar ones come through. Amazingly, it's still on since my check bounced from the empty promise my 'boyfriend' gave me that he'd help. Silly me. I should've known not to trust a man. Been there and have done that several times too many. Hell, this trust thing for men started even before I could spell trust.

Not that I want to harpe on the past, but the memories of it sure do frequent enough that I can say that the past is my present. Sometimes I just want to scream and shout and run wild somewhere, somehow, to let some of these frustrations out. It wont work though. I have done it before. I ended up just looking like an idiot, fortunately, to myself only.

Tonight I'm sad because none of the men that have called me are what I want, need or can even pretend to want and need. All of them want a piece of me. None of them are man enough to handle all of me. My silly boyfriend thinks that he is supposed to lay with me and not pay with me. I'll be damned if that happens. I'm a grown ass woman. I wonder if I'm approaching this wrong or is it just that Mr. Right hasn't come along yet?

Time seems to be running out. I am running out. The ambition and will and power I used to have has been drained. I have raised my children and they're fine college and college bound children. At least I have something to brag about. I guess my knees haven't hit the floor in prayer enough to finish getting the proper instructions on what it takes to feel whole, safe and loved. I think I'll go and do that now.