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Adventures In Living With The Mythical |
| A brief list of why I'm typically not invited to too many places around Christmas: 1) "No grandma, you have a thinking problem. Which leads to a talking problem. which leads me to drinking." 2) Telling kids the truth about Santa. 3) Telling kids the truth about Santa's reindeer. 4) Telling kids the story of Krampus. 5) Starting the Krampus movie for the kids during the Christmas party. 6) Getting a werewolf sized flea collar then giving it to Vic (the vampire doctor) and tell him it's an engagement ring. Putting Crash's name on it. 7) "Accidentally" scratching my cousins brand new SUV after she went on and on for over an hour about how big of a loser I was and how much better her former high school quarterback turned oil change jockey is than me to the rest of the family. 8) Turning all of the special toys on in my cousin's bedroom, setting them free from their hiding spot, then letting the dogs in the room with them. 9) Turning the TV to Foxnews in my liberal relatives house during Christmas dinner. Stealing the batteries out of the remote, hiding the remote, then leaving. 10) Turning the TV to CNN during Christmas dinner in my conservative relatives house during Christmas dinner. Hiding the remote after stealing the batteries out of it, then leaving. 11) Swapped the sugar out for salt in the sugar bowl. Made fresh coffee for everyone on Christmas morning! 12) Hid a bluetooth speaker in a return vent in the A/C system during a Christmas party. Started a music marathon with it. Two straight hours of "All I Want For Christmas Is You," by Mariah Carey. Followed by "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth", then back to Mariah Carey. Party broke up early while people searched for the devilish device. (I'm still not allowed back at my Uncle's). Everyone's family drives them a little nuts at times over the holidays. I've not always had the most mature responses to these events. It's a wonder I haven't been shot yet! Some of these things I'm ashamed of. (Though that Mariah Carrey one was hilarious and worth the scorn, heh). But I do have my reasons. Well, I suppose you can call them excuses. These are the things that run through your head at night when the sleep doesn't come. The "I wonders" and "if I'd a's". I am convinced that's what kills more people than cancer, drunk driving and splinters combined; the "I wonder's" and "If I'd a's". I hope your holidays went over well. If they didn't, I hope your holidays went better than the ones I usually have with my family. Don't give into "I wonder". Don't give into "if I'da". All you ever have is now. Looking back on past mistakes with friends at times can be a laugh, but when you do it alone all I've ever known it to bring is tears and heavy drinking. This day is the only one you have. This moment is the only one you got. Please don't waste it looking back at past mistakes. Cause, like Crash says, "if you spend too long looking back, you can't see where you're going." |
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