The Thought's of Me!

Scared and Frightened

Some people don't get it when you tell them you don't want to talk about it. When I say I really don't want to talk about it...it means I really don't want to talk about it. Don't you think I'd tell you if I could? Do you not trust me enough to believe me when I say it's extremely hard for me?

I'm not used to it. I'm not used to having friends who care. I'm not used to seeing people I care about be hurt. I'm trying to handle the situation. But it's so damn hard. I know they don't mean to do it. But they are hurting me. No, not physically, but mentally. It hurts so bad. I know what they are going through.

I'm not as stupid as I seem. I do notice these things. I have thoughts about some things. But I don't voice them. I feel their pain, I really do, and it hurts. It hurts so much it makes me want to cry. I don't want this, I didn't ask for any of this. I just want for when people look at me they see a carefree girl. I want to be able to show my true feelings,not hide behind a mask.

The real truth is...I'm scared. I'm utterly scared. I'm completely frightened. Of the past, and of the present, and what will happen in the future. I hate myself for being scared, for being so foolish. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of my emotions, and what I might do. I'm scared for my friends. Even when I'm by myself. In my sanctury. The one place I go to be completely happy, I'm still scared. It feels like death, except worse.

I hate walking around school alone. People wonder why I'm always walking with somebody. Or why I get mad when I have to walk to lunch, or to the bus by myself. Because it gives me time to think. And I don't like what I think about. I'm fighting an eternal battle. And I'm losing. I'm losing control of myself. I don't want to be scared anymore. I'm afraid of myself,my friends,my familyl, and I can't do anything about it. It frigtens me.