Prisoner of Your Own Mind

The Relapse

In this room of shadows, I appear before the brightly lit screen gazing at the internet and its vast corruption of ideals and advertisements. The room is in complete darkness that creates a cold and silent atmosphere. The cold reminds me of how addiction has crushed my very hopes and dreams and revealed to me a darker, more mind-constricting way of life. There is no blanket in which to cover the madness and fear of not being in control of your own actions.

Hours go by and I am still sitting in my nimble, fragile chair focused on the computer screen filled with distasteful images and deviant behavior. My hands are restless and shaking from fear and anger. Sweat begins to drip down one side of my face as I start to relapse. The pain of subjecting myself to this torture is unbearably but yet I continue on as a man controlled by some force of evil. It is no use, I have failed to protect myself from addictive curiosity.

Thoughts of disappointment and dispair begin to arouse my senses striking the inner soul. I bleed of misery and await my fateful place of darkness. But it doesn't come. Instead a rage of strength and perserverance overwhelms me and I am left there trying to understand why. After such a catastrophic event of human indeceny, I feel a sense of hope and meaning in my life.

Rising haggardly to my feet, I walk slowly to the door gripping the knob with whatever energy I have left. I felt like a wounded soldier who had just been in an exhausting, dramatic war. I finally reach the bathroom where I turn on the light and see myself staring right into "his" eyes. He looked weak and hopeless, his eyes blood-shot and worn. I just shake my head in disgust from the sight of "him."

What a sight to behold and how disappointing it is to be a part of "his" reckless and pathetic behavior. The scared man before me looks lost and unable to move. It can't possibly be true that this is my body of flesh and bone and a brain which ceases to exist when I need it most. I am trapped in a prison of nightmarish thoughts and images that remind me of how life can be so cruel.