My Journal #2

DEC 23

What a weekend! After last week practices for two nights and preparing for my parents to come and stay through the holidays it was busy.
Last week my parents arrived from MN and visiting my sister for over 2 months. They stayed with my daughter in St. Paul for the day until their train left for Portland, OR. She posted a picture of the the two and I got an immediate call from my younger sister who said Dad looked bad. I checked out the picture and indeed he didn't look good at all. I put some of it down to the lighting and they were tired. 
When my younger sister picked them up at the train station two days later and dropped them off to get their car and drive the 2 hours to their home, she called me.
"Dad looks terrible, he has to use a cane and he can't pick up anything he's so weak."  Okay, I was a little concerned.  After they arrived home, my sister called them and made Mom get the last doctor's report from Dad's last visit.  There on the back was the note: Stage 1 Liver Disease.
I remember vaguely Mom said something about Dad's liver but she didn't seem over concerned and they were just leaving for MN.
My niece was getting married on 12/22 and Dad was the officiate so they came to stay at my house for the two weeks of the Christmas Holiday.
Mom drove the two hours to Portland. We cleaned out the front room of boxes I hadn't unpacked, didn't know what to do with and put them in the garage with all the other boxes with the same intentions.
I called my sister and she and the girls brought over the hospital type beds (two twins put together) and we set them up in the room. Rolled out the rug, put some chairs, a little round table in the corner and a lamp on the table for them. Mom was quite pleased. Dad seems resigned and quiet.
My Dad has a Dr. appointment on Thursday after Christmas and my sister is going with them.  From what I've learned, he may have only a few weeks left maybe a little longer.

Now that being said it seems awful. Many who read my prayer request have come and asked what was wrong and how he's doing. They are all telling me how much he has meant to them. They are concerned and compassionate. I understand their sadness on my behalf.
I need to say this as I'm sure I will be saying this many times in the next months. I am not sad that he is going to die. I know that sound callous and unfeeling so let me explain.
First of all I'm a Christian with a hope of heaven for eternity. I believe in a real heave described in Revelation in the Bible as well as other places. I believe what Jesus said when he spoke that he was going to heaven to prepare a place for us so that where he is we may be also. I have an anticipation of going there. Actually its a better prospect than my hope to go to New Zealand/Australia some day. I know I will get to heaven, I just wish some day to visit those other two countries, but I have my doubts.
When I say that, I also know my father has the same promise and confidence in his reward. I know he's ready. He was ready four years ago at the age of 81 when the doctor told us he had cancer and had only 6-9 weeks to live. God healed him and has given him four additional years.  I trust God knows the situation and it could be that mom is in a better frame of mind than she was back then and if dad needs to go home to heaven now, she is more ready to accept her time without him. I leave that in God's hands.
I know when I look at my dad I see a man with his bags packed to go on a trip he's spend many years preparing for. Much like I would be if someone gave me a ticket and an all expense paid trip to the South Pacific. I know he is more afraid of having to deal with the process of dying than the actual death part. I'm sure he and all of us pray for an easy time of transition. I pray he has no pain or suffering. I would love to have him just go to sleep and not wake up. When? it matters not. I won't dread Christmas or New Years if God sees fit to call him home in the next two weeks.
I love my dad. All through my life he has been my idol. I wanted to be his little girl and it took me a long time to realize he just had no idea how to be a dad let alone to a girl. He was a man's man and loved the sporting outdoors with other outdoors men. Since I was the oldest of all his girls (last of 5, a boy) He just didn't know what to do with us. We should just stay home with mom and do girl things.
As we got older and began to form concepts and such, he was a guiding hand in our spiritual growth. Many times throughout the years my sister and brother have sat with him and discussed doctrine and Biblical truths. As the years have passed we've learned some things and he has learned from us. His Bible doctrine and faith has never wavered.
So you see all this brings me to the point I can't be sad or distraught, may be a better word, at his passing. I see myself at the dock of the proverbial Jordan seeing him off. Yes, he will be missed, deeply. But how can you be sad when someone is walking on streets of gold? Moving into their mansion next to some long time friend or someone from the Bible days that is rejoicing at your arrival.  I just think of his homecoming there with his parents and grandparents and his daughter waiting. How can I feel sad? I mean the sadness of despair.  Tears come but they aren't of sadness. Just an emotion I have no name for. They are the same kind of tears I had when I watched our Christmas Concert about how God wants to speak to the hearts of those who are lonely, hurting or overwhelmed at this time of year.
I watched that concert on our church's web page and thought God is speaking. He wants us to lean on Him for comfort, renewal, peace and direction. Why should I be sad when the arms of my heavenly father are there to welcome my dad when he arrives and those same arms will be my comfort while I remain until my time to cross?