The Treatment Program of Absurdity: 1

The Autistic Muslim

On July 20th, 2011, a nineteen-year-old student, Muhammad Al-Basad, arrived at Great Ascendency from Saudi Arabia. Muhammad’s father Khalid is a chief officer at AMERCO. Muhammad had been diagnosed with autism at the age of 5, and never had any available help. When Muhammad’s father heard about Great Ascendency, he decided to ship his son off to The States.
Muhammad was greeted by his therapist, Dr. Gore, and was given the rules of the program. Afterwards, Tori arrived to drive him over to the guy’s core house. Muhammad exclaimed, “NO, A WOMAN DO NOT DRIVE; WOMAN ALSO NEED’S TO WEAR HIJAB.” After arguing for 30-minutes, Dr. Gore finally agreed to drive Muhammad over to the guy’s core house. While he arrived at the house, Winfield Miott, who was the house manager on duty, greeted Muhammad. Without even responding, Muhammad checked the dinner menu for the house and noticed that pork was the meal for the night; Muhammad immediately began throwing a tamper tantrum, so the menu was changed to having shrimp and a salad.
Mark had come downstairs to get a snack when he noticed the entire commotion, and he went back upstairs. Mark knocked on Luke’s door, and Luke immediately exclaimed, “What is Han being a bitch about this time?” Matt told Luke that the menu got changed because some kid was whining about having pork, and Luke went to see for himself. When Luke noticed that Muhammad had a taqiyah over his head, he got infuriated, mainly because he wanted pork for dinner.
From the living room, Samantha exclaimed, “Is the commotion all over with?” Dr. Gore asked Muhammad to come meet Samantha. Muhammad was curious to know why a man would be called a woman’s name, so he asked Dr. Gore. Dr. Gore responded by saying, “Well, you see, Muhammad, Samantha identifies himself as a woman.” Muhammad exclaimed, “THIS IS UN-HOLY; HE MUST BE BANISHED.” Samantha sighed and left the room, while Muhammad started crying over how no one was stoning Samantha. At 5:30 P.M., I returned from my internship, where I noticed Muhammad was still crying. While crying, Muhammad exclaimed to me, “ACCORDING TO SHARIA, SAMANTHA NEEDS TO BE BANISHED;” I just walked upstairs to my room, where Mark explained everything to me.
After calming down, Muhammad went down to Polly House to ask if anyone would lend him a sword that he could use to behead Samantha, for refusing to accept his banishment. While Muhammad was about to enter Polly House, he noticed that Tori’s husband arrived in a Chevrolet Malibu to pick her up. Muhammad went up to the car, and asked Tori’s husband if the two of them were married, in which he confirmed. Muhammad told them that if he finds out that they are lying, he will contact the Sharia police, and they will be stoned. Tori told Muhammad to “GO AWAY,” while her husband merely diminished Muhammad.
Having given up in despair, Muhammad returned to the guy’s core house. When he got back to the house, Dr. Gore was waiting in Muhammad’s room. Myself and Mark were upstairs, watching a DVD of Die Hard on my Mac, when we overheard Dr. Gore exclaiming, “MUHAMMAD, I RESPECT YOUR RELIGIOUS VIEWS, BUT YOU ARE NOT TO HANG UP A POSTER OF A PLANE CRASHING INTO THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.” I turned to Mark and exclaimed, “How sad do you think it is that since the enrollment rate for females had declined so drastically, Great Ascendency is now taking in any guy they can, merely to pay the bills, including a mentally retarded Islam extremist.” Mark was too busy laughing at Dr. Gore’s statement to be able to respond to what I said.
It was Luke’s night to make dinner; it is really Han’s night, but he refused to do anything. When the fish and salad were ready - which no one, other than Muhammad, was satisfied with – everyone came down to eat. Before dinner, I reminded everyone of something: Condemning Suddam Hussein wouldn’t upset Muhammad, since he invaded Saudi Arabia during The Gulf War. Winfield Reese, who was the evening house manager, was busy trying to get Han out of bed, so the guys instigated a conversation of their own.
“Mark, last May, do you think the government made the right decision of killing Osama Bin-Laden?”
“NO, HE GAVE AMERICA A CHANCE TO LEAVE SAUDI ARABIA, MORE THAN THREE DAYS, WHICH IS WHAT SHARIA MANDATES. AMERICA MUST HAVE LEFT SAUDI ARABIA AFTER GULF WAR.”
“I was asking Harry, not you, Muhammad.”
“I don’t think we should have shot him in the Abbotobad Complex; I think we should have nailed him to a cross.”
“SHUT UP!”
“Muhammad, I agree with you. He never should have attacked Bin-Laden’s compound in Pakistan. We should have used our military resources to destroy cities that no one cares about and have absolutely no positive significance in the world: like Mecca and Medina. Oh, and calm down, I think you have had too much to drink.”
“You’ve all surpassed the Zionists for being no. 1 on my kill list.”
“Muhammad, with the pubes on your head, you look more horny than angry. I think you need to go f*** a goat.”
Muhammad grabbed a pitcher of water, and threw it at me, who then proceeded to tackle Muhammad. Winfield came in and asked what had happened and Muhammad exclaimed, “They have all committed blasphemy, and they need to die.” Winfield Miott asked everyone to leave, so he could talk to Muhammad; Muhammad just started crying because he wanted everyone to be stoned to death.
That night, there was a scheduled trip to go see Captain America in the cinema. Muhammad began whining about the trip because he claimed that movie theaters were un-holy, since they allowed from un-matrimony activity. Elizabeth, who was checking to be sure if Will had successfully filled all of her paperwork, came out to see what the problem was. Elizabeth pointed out to Muhammad that he doesn’t have to go to the movie, in which he still continued to cry, knowing that everyone else would be partaking in sin.
In 1981, Argentina invaded the Falklands, which are a series of small British Islands off the coast of Argentina. The British Labor Party felt that the islands for economically unworthy of using military force to retrieve them. Then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, who was a member of The Conservative Party, knew that not intervening would send a symbol to the world that Britain was weak. In August 1981, Thatcher deployed the British Navy, and the Argentinians were defeated within two-weeks. Elizabeth is similar to Thatcher in the sense that she did not cave into Muhammad, and decided to let everyone else to the movies.
At around 8:00 P.M., Monica came into Polly House to ask Elizabeth a question. As she approached Elizabeth’s office, she heard Elizabeth shouting, “MUHAMMAD, YOU ARE NOT TO LAY A HAND ON ANY OF THE GIRLS. IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO SEND YOU TO A HOTEL ON YOUR FIRST NIGHT, YOU NEED TO ASUSRE ME THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT GENITAL MUTILATION IS ILLEGAL IN THIS COUNTRY. I don’t know if it is true or not, but I heard a rumor that Muhammad asked, “So I know not to stone them to death, were there three men to confirm their claims?” Monica immediately walked out of Polly House, and proceeded to call on-call.
At 11:00 that night, Muhammad was in the process of Salat, which was when he was screaming his prayers really loudly, and everyone told him to shut up; after a half-an-hour, Muhammad decided to go outside, after warning everyone that they had three days to convert to Islam before he would have to stone them. As Muhammad walked by the bathroom, he heard a stroking noise that seemed peculiar to him. Muhammad barged into the room and noticed that Mark was masturbating. Muhammad claimed that Mark needed to be cleansed of him, in which he started spraying him with the shower nod. Mark tackled Muhammad to the ground, and I called clinical on-call, in I he told Dr. Mathems that Muhammad tried to attack Mark, and she instantly came over.
“What Happened?”
“MARK WAS BEING UN-HOLY.”
“I am religious, and there is nothing in the Bible against, excuse my language, Dr. Mathems, jerking off.”
“Like I said, you have three days to convert.”
“So, Mark was masturbating, and then what happened?”
“had to cleanse him of his sin.”
“He came into the bathroom while I was masturbating, and he sprayed me with the shower nod.”
“IS THIS TRUE, MUHAMMAD?”
“He needs to be lashed; I need to get my belt to give him 50 lashes.”
“Try it, and see what happens.”
“YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE HITTING ANYBODY. Look Muhammad, I understand you morally oppose masturbation, but it is something that is natural for a man to do. It is fine if you morally oppose masturbation, but you do not have the right to inflict your religious views on other people. LISTEN CLOSELY, YOU ARE TO NEVER EVER BARGE IN ON SOMEONE WHILE THEY ARE GOING TO THE BATHROOM; THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT, WHICH IS A FELONY IN THIS COUNTRY.”
“Ok, but Mark needs to promise never to masturbate again.”
“I will jerk off to the wives of every Ottoman Sultan.”
“Mark, SHUT UP! Muhammad, no more imposing your religion on others.
That night, in order to exact revenge, Mark, Luke, and I took the toilet paper in the second floor bathroom, went up to my/Mark’s room in the attic, and we used my printer to print Quran on the toilet paper. At around 3:00 the next morning, Muhammad went to use the restroom, in which after taking defecating, he used the toilet paper; and after ripping off a second piece of paper, he noticed the Quran scripture. Muhammad began screaming, which woke everyone up in the house, but we all began laughing - except for Han, who was too busy playing video games. Muhammad ripped off the toilet seat, and used it to smash the wall in the bathroom. Luke came inside, in which Muhammad tried to attack him with the toilet seat, but Luke detained him. I called the police, while myself, Mark and Luke were all laughing at Muhammad going ballistic, concurrent with him still being detained by Luke. The police came to arrest Muhammad, and after the incident, he never came back to Great Ascendency. “As he was being escorted out, he told use that we would end up like Israeli olympic athletes, and we thanked him for complementing our strength.
That afternoon, Dr. Gore arrived for an emergency house group. Dr. Gore wanted to know whom the responsible persons were for the Quran on the toilet paper, so he could discharge those who were responsible. Dr. Gore would have been willing to discharge the entire house, but no one was willing to fess up as to who was
Dr. Gore instituted a series of acts to punish the members of the guys core house, which were to be until someone fessed up as to whom was responsible for the Quran on the toilet paper. After three weeks, the rules would eventually seize, due to the fact that no one would ever fess up, and Dr. Gore gave up.
Below are the rules that Dr. Gore implemented:
1. Students are no longer allowed to have computers in their rooms; they are to keep them in the living room.
2. Students do not decide what is made for dinner; the decision is up to the house manager.
3. Students are not to have guests over in the house, unless they are affiliated with Great Ascendency.