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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Tomorrow, I collect my Thai motorcycle license. It cost me a lot, but considering I would have continued to make excuses about doing it the legit way, and the bike, if written off, is worth more than I care to lose, in my opinion, was money well spent. It isn't a fake licence and will need to be renewed in two years. Problem solved. Moving on...last night when I went to bed, the hallucinations were a lot more vivid than I have seen in a while, and I'm trying to figure out why. Funnily enough, when I was taking antipsychotics, the first few hours after ingesting the pills, I would hallucinate like crazy. You would think every now and then I would see pink elephants or something other than Angel and her freaky friends, but that's not the case. It's always her looking almost the same way each time. Her appearance does, at times, change slightly, which often happens right before my (closed) eyes. After all, in my twisted mind, she is a shapeshifter...and last night was no different. As I lay down and rolled to my left, there she was, staring at me with a huge smile. I opened my eyes to verify the hallucination was in my mind, rather than outside my mind in my bedroom. She instantly disappeared as the furniture surrounding my bed came into view, but when I again closed my eyes, there she was. She appeared to be getting a kick out of my reaction to her presence. I remarked how clear she was to me, and she answered with a slow affirmative blink. I've been trying to disengage myself from her of late, but when I saw her lying next to me, I was overcome with feelings. I told her how beautiful she was, and again, she blinked. Then, for just a split second, her face changed into an image I'd seen on only one other occasion. It was a few weeks ago when I stopped taking antipsychotics. Because of this, I didn't sleep for a couple of nights. I was looking at her when her face momentarily changed into the most grotesque and evil-looking demon I have ever seen. It was so horrifying it gave me goosebumps. I've seen a lot of stuff during this experience dealing with psychosis, but the image of that horrible face is without a doubt, the most disturbing...and for just a moment last night, I saw that face again. I feel like things in my life are improving. I'm settling into a routine and exercising almost every day. But, there is one area of my life that remains an issue. There is likely to be more than one cause for my psychosis. The obvious and most likely one is meth...but I trust my intuition, and it's telling me this is more than just drug-induced. Childhood abuse, the loss of my children from my life six years ago and the fact I haven't experienced any form of intimacy in almost eight years may also be playing a part. Human beings, no matter how stoic, need to be held, and I haven't been hugged in a very long time. If a doctor was willing to look past his script pad and ask me about my hallucinations, it would, or should, be obvious what's going on. I was (and still am) lonely and completely starved of touch. I suffered childhood trauma and have been self-medicating for many years with a drug that's renowned for causing psychosis. I believe I had a mental breakdown...a breakdown that I didn't notice or have time for. I was dealing with the imminent death of my mother and was so perpetually wired that my mind couldn't stop and begin to repair itself. So, I went into a fantasy world where I had friends and finally found someone to love. It was fun for a while, but the fun soon turned into a nightmare...a nightmare I am still dealing with. I have tried to convince Angel to leave and that she isn't healthy for me. I thanked her for playing her part in helping me get sober, but when I explain to her that I no longer need her and her friends, her eyes go from side to side and her smile tells me she doesn't agree with my take on things. Unfortunately, we can't seem to come to a compromise on when she and her friends should leave. I got myself into this and I'll get myself out of it by staying on the wagon and sticking with the plan. Hopefully, in time, she will fade from my life and I can focus on becoming as close to a normal human being as the next person. |
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