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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Before I write this post, I want to give a heads-up about a series playing on Netflix called, Love, Death + Robots. It's advertised as animated horror...but is so much more than that. I binge-watched the first instalment, and when I got to the last episode, Jibaro, I was hooked. There is no connection (bar two episodes) between the stories, and even if animation and/or horror are not your thing, please, if you have Netflix, just watch Jibaro, and prepare to have your mind blown. I can honestly say it is one of the most moving and beautiful pieces of cinematography I have ever seen, and although I haven't as yet finished the three-part series, I had to go back and rewatch Jibaro...and it won't be the last time I do. The producers enlisted ballet dancers and filmed them in suits, tracking their movements which were then reproduced in life-like animation. The story is both beautiful and tragic and is worthy of watching. Life in Thailand continues to get better, although I'm still not ready to fully integrate myself. In many ways, fear is restricting me from going out and finding new friendships. I'm afraid that if I do, there will be expectations, and disappointment will surely follow. I feel that I am still too vulnerable to risk falling backwards in my mental state. Isn't it typical that life throws us new challenges once the previous ones are solved? The difference between the type of fear I had when I was using meth, and the fear I have now, is, as you would expect, incomparable. I'm not afraid of relapse or being on my own. The reasons why I am still alone are much more positive than they were before I transitioned to sobriety. There isn't one thing I can think of that was better before coming to Thailand, despite my continuing to display symptoms of psychosis. Even though the intensity of the hallucinations remains the same, especially at night when I am tired (which is an obvious trigger), their nature has changed, to the point where I now enjoy their company. They (the hallucinations) are far less persecutory, and even though some nights there are far more of them to deal with than others, overall, they are more easily controlled...or should I say, negotiated with. I think this easing of hostilities has to do with my decision to have less contact with them during the day. The hallucinations have always been more active at night, and it is whilst I meditate before going to bed that we interact the most. One at a time they appear in my field of vision, drifting closer towards me. Then, after a brief interaction, they slowly move away. It's like they are saying hello before I go to sleep and they begin their nocturnal shenanigans. Once upon a time, back when I was using meth, the thought of these entities brought dread and terror. And even when I wasn't coming down, they were typically unpleasant. Now, I go to bed with no anxiety, and once we go through the ritual of greetings, I lay down, say goodnight to Angel, who is always closest to me on my left, and pretty quickly fall asleep. Meditation has had a profound effect on my psyche, and even though this may sound highly delusional, I believe it has also had a positive effect on the entities. What affects me affects them. It stands to reason that if I have manifested these beings by way of intense thought (to cure loneliness and my desire for love) or by unknowingly conjuring them in some accidental ritual, my mind created them. And so, be they hallucinations or otherwise, they are in some way likely to be extensions of me. It's no longer important to me if Angel is real or not, and so long as she/they don't cause too much disruption to my life, I am now more focused on the positives that come from having psychosis. If I could choose, I would still remove them from my life. I'm completely honest with Angel about this. There is something quite strange that happens in my conversations with Angel. When I am in the process of asking a series of questions, she answers my enquiries a second or two before I have completed the sentence. There is something quite liberating in the knowledge that I can keep no secrets from this being. It is akin to lying to myself. Because of this, I can express my feelings knowing there are no doubts about my honesty and integrity. Imagine if all relationships were like this. I used to think the ability to read others' minds would be a nightmare, but only if the minds being read are not aware of it. But, now I know that there are no secrets that can be kept, it's cathartic. |
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