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 |  A support forum for writers dealing with mental illness |
Thinking back, when has your mental health been at its best? When has your mental health been at its worst? What caused these highs and lows? Have you noticed any trends in the state of your mental health? How do you use the history of your mental health to get yourself through lows and maintain highs? I can answer without hesitation when my mental health was at its best: when David and I first met in person (we met originally online). That first year we had together, my depression lifted and I had hope. Like, real hope. I believed life might turn out okay. As long as I had David, everything would be good. Every moment we spent together zinged with happiness and the joys of getting to know someone special. I listened to happy songs; not sad. I smiled a lot. I laughed. Proper, genuine belly-laughs. That first year is one I'll never forget. After that, Mum started to get ill on a regular basis. She was already completely bed-ridden, but she started to get sick and had constant flare-ups of her arthritis where she couldn't even hold a cup to her mouth. I had to help her a lot, and I found it hard. I don't deal with sickness and germs well. Life became a struggle again. More importantly, I hated seeing Mum like this. She had always been so positive, but being stuck in bed and ill all the time took away her fight. Plus, she missed Dad terribly. In the last few months of her life, I'm convinced she had very early signs of dementia. She couldn't balance her cheque book any more and struggled with the crosswords she had spent her life completing. So, it really hurt to see this mentally strong woman disappear. When she died, I couldn't be angry or sad for her. I think it was what she wanted. But I was sad as hell for me. Another good mental health time for me was when I first joined WDC. I'd been pretty rough before that, but meeting people who were passionate about writing and about helping me with my writing saved my life. Writing gave me a purpose. It became the thing that occurred in my mind most often. Flashbacks and daydreams reduced. His voice in my head became a little quieter. I felt accepted and at home. The first couple of years on here, in general, my mental health was better than before. Other than my first year with David, I don't think I've ever not been depressed. I mean, there are varying levels, right? As a child, I was frightened of everything and everyone. The world was this big, scary place with big, scary people who wanted to hurt me. I was a big, fat lump who was too disgusting and fat to ever be liked or loved by anyone. I hated having to speak to other people. I always felt like I'd done something wrong, and I was waiting for my punishment. Childhood was tough. A grandfather who sexually abused me, a father who emotionally abused me, and a mother who was always in and out of hospital, they kind of fucked with my mind. Moving on to teenage years ... yeah, not so good. I struggled with bulimia and anorexia right through until I was about twenty-seven. Looking at me now, you'd never think it. I have gone way too far the other way, and it disgusts me. But, I still don't know about the worst time. Being locked up on a psych ward because my ex husband came across this whole new way to control me is up there with the worst. A failed suicide attempt. ECT. Waking up in the middle of it. Not good. Living with a man who thought nothing of breaking my arm or cracking my cheek bone didn't help my mental health. Escaping him. The trial. A very dark time in my mental health. But the worst time ... the worst time was probably in 2014. I'd been struggling after Dad died, then Mum died, then our plans of moving to the US had to be cancelled because David developed unstable angina. He woke me at 4a.m., two weeks before we were due to catch our flight, with major chest pains. We thought it was a heart attack, but thankfully it wasn't. A piece of plaque had come away from one of his clogged-up arteries, and that's what caused the pain. Anyway, our plans changed overnight. We had to find somewhere else to live immediately, and I realised I could lose the love of my life at any time. This all happened in October 2012. I kept it together for as long as possible. Until David was stronger, but my mental health went way downhill the falling year. In January 2014, I reached the lowest point of my life. His voice became deafening, instructing me to do bad things. Two suicide attempts (I'm really not very good at it, am I?). So, what caused my highs and lows? I would say I have an underlying depression and anxiety that will always be there. But life events have a huge impact. On happiness and sadness. In terms of what helps, writing is a huge part of that. I feel like I've found the thing I was born to do, and that makes me feel good. That is what I use to help me get through the bad times. At least, that's the theory. Sorry this has been so long. I guess I had a lot to say on this subject. |
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