Back in Third Grade, I reduced the class bully to tears by telling him he'd broken my finger back in First Grade. See, I'm "double jointed." No, that doesn't mean I can roll two joints with one hand, or be in two seedy dives at once. It means I have loose, overly flexible ligaments. In grade school, I could bend my index fingers backwards almost 90 degrees at the middle joint. Like this:

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Only...more. Anyway, back in First Grade, Wes had grabbed my finger and pulled it backwards, towards my wrist, making me howl in pain. He and his friends thought it hilarious. I decided, then and there, that boys were mean. By Third Grade, we were all in for a lesson.

Wes saw my funny, flexible finger one day. He'd forgotten all about me and all about tormenting me in First Grade. I hadn't forgotten - the memory of that wrenching pain and humiliation was still fresh in my mind. "How do you do that?" he asked, staring at my rubbery finger with a mixture of horror and fascination.

"Well, it's not like I do it on purpose, Wesley," I said, mustering a tone that was both dejected and scornful. "You remember back in First Grade, when you grabbed my finger and bent it backwards? You broke it, Wes."

"I did?"

"Yes. And it never healed right. My family couldn't afford the doctor's bills, so my dad set it with an old pencil and some duct tape, but it healed crooked. See?" I held it up in front of Wesley's nose.

He stared at my finger. He looked at me. He looked back at my finger. "I'm so sorry!" he wailed. And suddenly, there were big tears spilling down Wesley's cheeks. Oh my G-d... Suddenly I knew what it was to bully the class bully, and I did not like it. You'd think I would enjoy the satisfaction of revenge, after all this time - making Wes cry right there in the middle of class, in front of his friends, making him suffer some of the guilt for some of the pain he'd caused me in First Grade, but I was the one who felt the full burden of guilt that day.

"Oh, forget it, Wes. My finger's fine." I showed him what I could do with the other nine fingers.

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Wes sniffled. "Wow. Cool." He called some of his friends over. This was just gross enough that the boys found it fascinating. I was no longer an icky girl. I had talents they could respect and admire.

"I'm sorry, Wes."

"For what?"

"For lying. For making you think you broke my finger."

"Oh. Yeah, that was pretty mean," he said, smiling. Like he wished he'd thought of it first. "I'm sorry I bent your finger backwards in First Grade."

"Okay. I forgive you."

I didn’t have too many takers on my last challenge. But before we get all caught up in celebrating Groundhog’s Day, let’s have on last look at New Year’s Resolutions:

I love the cheeky self-confidence of this next piece. You can resolve, year after year, to lose weight. Or you can be happy just the way you are:

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Let’s see a show of hands; who here has seen the movie “Supersize Me”? It’s funny, and not so funny… but mostly proves that anything, done to excess, is bad.

Comedy surrounds us. It’s everywhere. Can’t miss it if your eyes are open, and some of the best comedy is completely unintentional. By contrast, our ability to exploit the humor in the world for the entertainment and amusement of others is not.

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Tehanu wrote:

Hey Jessiebelle-

Nice newsletter! It's definitely so much easier to plan stuff than to actually go through with intentions...but succeeding at a goal can be exhilarating. Congratulations on kicking the habit.

My funniest memory of 2006...my best friend is a new pilot. He was taking a few of us up in a Cessna and his girlfriend was going up with him for the first time. She was pretty nervous and finally blurted out -

"Can I get a helmet?"

Haha...Happy 2007!

Best to you,
Tehanu

But hey, if it made her feel better… --Jessiebelle

diana wrote:

Lolol, I loved your newsletter. It reminds me of what resolutions are really about; giving up the vices we are sceptical of letting go of. It's like losing a character trait.

Keep up the great writing.

Puditat wrote:

Congrats on the losing and the quitting. Not often you get to congratulate someone on losing. Good job, Jessie, and an interesting editorial to boot.

Robert Waltz wrote:

Jessie, thanks for featuring my stories in the Comedy newsletter! Oh, and great story about quitting smoking. It's tough, but losing weight is tougher.

dogfreek21 wrote:

Oooh, 15 minutes of fame. Can't pass that up! I've hardly ever made new years resolutions... I have a bad habit of being lazy... so I'm either too lazy to make them, or smart enough to know if I make them, I'll be too darned lazy to keep them.