  Comedy
This week: Blackjack Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
-Mitch Hedberg
Some kids are always getting into trouble or doing stuff, and I stay away from those types. I know I am no better than anyone else in this world. I'm just an actor, that's nothing special. But I'm not into anything bad. Just blackjack.
-Frankie Muniz |
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Last week, I went to Loss Vegas to play blackjack.
Oh, I did other things, too, but those stay in Vegas.
Now, all I'll say here about the basics of blackjack is this: You sit down at a table, put your bet in the circle, watch the dealer hand out cards and take the bet away, and repeat until you have no chips left.
If you're not familiar with the game, here are the basics: https://www.pagat.com/banking/blackjack.html
Now that the basics are out of the way, I thought I might put together a FAQ for prospective blackjack players.
Q: How can you tell if the next card in the shoe is an ace?
A: If you've doubled down on 11, the next card is an ace. Also, if you split aces, the next two cards are aces. If it's the dealer's turn, and she has 10, the next card is an ace.
Q: How can you tell if the next card in the shoe is a 10?
A: If it's your turn, and you have a 12, the next card is a 10. If it's the dealer's turn, and he has 11, the next card is a 10.
Q: Should I split aces?
A: If you want more aces, sure - see above.
Q: Should I split 10s?
A: Only if you want the other people at the table to take you outside and teach you a lesson. Hey, it's Vegas, you never know.
Q: I know I should split 8s, but should I resplit them if I get more 8s?
A: Yes. The casino business is floundering, and they need money.
Q: How about other splits?
A: The only way to avoid losing money at blackjack is to split. Preferably to go play craps.
Q: So the dealer's showing a 6 and I've got 11. Double, right?
A: Right - that way the dealer can flip a 5 and then draw a 10.
Q: The lovely lady sitting next to me is asking me for advice. What do I do?
A: Whatever you think she should do, recommend the opposite. Also, remember prostitution is illegal in Clark County.
Q: Some guy keeps slapping the table and screaming "MONKEY!"
A: "Accidentally" spill your beer onto his chips.
Q: You seem pretty down on blackjack. Why do you play it if you never win?
A: I don't do that bad, really. Hyperbole is a perfectly acceptable form of humor. I just like to focus on the negative.
Q: Why don't you play poker instead?
A: Last time I tried, I went all in on a flush. Some bastard had a straight flush. My typical luck. Blackjack is cheaper.
Q: Should I play the side bet?
A: It's called a sucker bet for a reason. But if you do play it, don't stop. Because when you do, that's when the magic combination will show up.
So that's blackjack, folks. Still cheaper than a trip to Disney World. Also, you don't have to deal with screaming kids. Just screaming, drunk adults. |
Some funnies you can bet on:
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Last time, in "The Viral Workout" , I talked about getting in shape with a cold.
Georgina Antoinette  : I laughed my eyes off at your 'sick' editorial! I never thought about the advantages of having a cold, but now that it's been pointed out to me, I'll have to give it a try! I'm that when my cold goes into Bronchitis I'll have a few notes to add to your ingenious list. Thank you for good hoot before I go to bed. I needed that!
Thanks! Now that I've recovered, I'm out of shape again.
River  : Thanks for making me laugh. I had the misfortune of getting caught by a summer cold. It has been hanging on for over a month, and I can identify with your editorial. I have lost weight and my muscles are getting a great workout. My question is - how many calories are in snot?
Not sure, but the number's negative - takes more energy to produce than to process!
🌕 HuntersMoon  : Uno momento, sir ... Tequila only has 69 calories versus 130 for Gatorade. If you need to replenish your body fluids ... Just sayin'  . A lot of fun to read - even for those a bit squeamish  .
Hey, if you drink tequila at the rate people drink Gatorade, you might have bigger problems than just keeping in shape.
Acme : Hello, Mr Waltz! Look at you finding silver linings to illness. I smiled all the way through this newsletter, and even chortled, much to the disdain of the cat. Hope you are on the mend soon, but I have to say your summer cold acted as a delightfully uplifting comedy tonic for me.
My misery often improves the lives of others. Everyone needs a purpose in the world.
And that's it for me for August. See you next month! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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Comedy: August 24, 2016 Issue [#7822]
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