Tongue-in-Cheek Tips for Top-Notch Reviewing
with alliterative examples!
blkstarline   commented on " Invalid Item"  , saying, “I think the more one reviews and has a chance to see good reviews, the easier it becomes to express constructive opinions. Some folks have a hard time giving more than bland, general, ‘how's the weather?’ comments.”
Isn’t this the truth? How many times have you read something and thought, “Hmm. I like it. I can’t quite say why I like it, but, well, it’s not really that good, not five-star good, but I like it because--um, hmm. Because it’s, it’s--hmm. Funny. That’s it! Because it’s funny! Kind of.” I’ve actually written reviews that sound like that. I always figure it’s like agonizing over what to say when someone’s died. We all know they’re dead! We all know it’s an awkward moment! Say something. Odds are, it won’t be the perfect thing to say, it may even sound kind of stupid, but it’s better than resounding silence.
I’d rather have less-than-eloquent review comments than to see that little Views counter tick upward, one reader at a time, and no comments. I picture people politely tiptoeing around in my port, hoping they can beat a hasty retreat before I’ll notice they were there. I always breathe a sigh of relief when the first review comes in. Even if it’s, “Did you lose your cotton-pickin’ mind? What were you thinking when you wrote this?” At least it got a reaction. At least nobody died.
So go ahead. Grope around for the words to express what it was you liked or disliked about the piece. Ramble a bit, if that’s what it takes to warm up to the subject. Use humor to break the ice. It’s okay. We writers are a bunch of exhibitionists; we crave attention. (Oh, I can just hear the huff of indignation in the back row: “She just called us attention seekers! I am not an attention seeker!” To which I say, “Then why are you posting your stuff up there to be read by complete strangers?”) So you go on and write a review. Some of us will even write back. (Don’t let that scare you off.) Just be yourself and be sincere. If you have difficulty getting those first words out, I offer these tips:
When faced with the desire to say something, anything, in response to an item you've just read, you may be feeling tongue-tied and tempted to write "How's the weather?" If that should happen to you, perhaps you are more in need of social interaction than anything else. Go ahead - write "How's the weather?" but consider that maybe you should get out more.
Now, let's build on that opening sentence. What can you say about the author's writing? What was it that prompted you to write, rather than to click to the next item and move on? Is it that you sense that the author is a kindred spirit? Go ahead and say so, but don't belabor the point. Nobody likes a stalker.
Are you tempted to debate the content with the author? That's fine, too; however, try to separate your emotions from your critique of the writing. Play fair. For example, if you read a particularly offensive piece, you might say: "If you really believe that, you're a crappy excuse for a human being! But you write really well. You almost sucked me in with your persuasive logic and clever rhetoric. I have to (grudgingly) give you points for that."
Or, if you went cross-eyed muddling through a 1000-word paragraph, but agreed wholeheartedly with the author's sentiments: "Wow, your writing moved me to tears of frustration. Haven't you ever heard of commas? How about periods? On the other hand, I agree with you 100% - you've raised some excellent points and I only wish all the readers here were patient enough to dig through your convoluted prose to understand them! Good job!"
Realize when posting a two-word comment like "good job" that the author must have thought so, too, or he wouldn't have shown it to you in the first place. Do you understand that it takes 150 times longer for an email page to load than it does to read "good job" or “this sucks”? Reward the author for time spent staring at the screen, watching the pixels rearrange themselves. If you've enjoyed his writing, return the favor with a hundred or more words of your own! It’s not only the neighborly thing to do; it adds to your daily word count and can be considered practice.
Did you know? Scientists have discovered that if you do not write at least 250 words a day, the excess verbiage will build up in the cerebellum and eventually crowd out the synapses, making it impossible to form new neural pathways?
Of course you didn’t know that.
I made it up.
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Comedy: March 22, 2006 Issue [#942]
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