"One Note Song" Part 2

         The Black is about half-way gone now. “No Woman, No Cry” has been over for a few minutes now. “Three Little Birds” is playing now.
         Normally this song is quite calming for me. “Every little thing is gonna be alright.” For some reason it just doesn’t speak to me tonight like it normally does.
         What was I thinking about a minute ago?.......What was it………Oh, my soul-bearing confession that I was going to make to Bethany tonight.
         It would start out just like I said it would, by reminding her that it had only been a year since a moment when she said she decided that I was the only person she wanted to be with. I would go on to tell her: “I honestly don’t know where I stand on the matter of ‘us’ or on ‘you and me,’ but I do know that I need you more than I’ve ever been willing to admit and I need far more of you than I’ve been getting…………..Bethany…………I love you…….”
         One time when I was running this little rant over in my head, it ended with the phrase “marry me.” I don’t think that the thought intentionally crossed my mind. I think it was just one of those things that crosses your mind when you get carried away, but I think it was interesting that it showed up at all.
         Could I marry her? After all we’ve been through, do I even know if I can trust her? If we did get married, if we (God forbid we be allowed to reproduce) had kids, would I have some kind of riding mower and picket fence, or would I come home one day to an empty 2-bedroom apartment and a “Dear John” letter?
         I don’t want to get married right now anyway. I’m in college, she’s supposed to start college soon. Marriage isn’t even an option right now. I still can’t figure out why the thought even crossed my mind.
         “All I ever had……..these songs of freedom….” Bob is still on the iPod and I get the impression that God’s in an ironic mood tonight. Hate when he does that. Something horrible will happen, followed by something much smaller that is so sad and hilarious that I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or vomit.
         I notice what part of town I’m in and I hit my left blinker. I don’t know how I got this close to my old house and didn’t notice it. This is the house I grew up in; we didn’t move into the house that I live in now until almost the end of my senior year.
         There’s a new family living there now. I know nothing about them, but they have several cars in the driveway. Maybe they had someone graduating tonight too.
         There’s a light in a familiar window as I drive by. It’s the window into what used to be my room. It was just on the other side of that very window that Bethany and I laid on my bed and made out the day before a prom that she went with someone else.
         That should have been a harbinger of things to come now that I think about it. I should have seen the handwriting on the wall then and known that it would never get much better.
         As I drive, I’m trying to figure out if the good memories we have out-weigh all the bad memories we have. I’ll be honest, the bad ones are easy to come by……….but those good ones………..the good ones are real good.
         Don’t get me wrong, I was just as young and dumb as she was. For every time that she took me for granted and/or abused me, I did the same thing right back to her. For every time she broke my heart, I tried to break hers. Sometimes I succeeded, and I still don’t know if I can forgive myself.
         The Black’s down to that spot towards the bottom where it starts to get spicy. I wish I had a drink, just anything liquid right now. Preferably something carbonated because I like the way it stings after you’ve been smoking.
         I’m trying to decide if I should call her. I have this bad habit of calling her when things are bad and making them worse. As much as I want to talk to her, I’m thinking this is one of those times. I’ve told her how I’ve felt before. I’ve told her that I love her, but not recently. She’s never told me that. She typed it once or twice, but never spoke the words. At least I’ve got her there, I guess.
         “Get up, Stand up…….” I was right, God is being funny tonight. I suppose it could be worse: he could be indifferent.
         I’m coming up on my current house now. I finally flick the Black and I ease into my driveway. I appropriately hide any evidence that I’d been smoking (except, of course, the smell) and then I kill the engine. I have to go and say goodbye before I get back on the road…..