L.O.V.E=Living On Very Edge!

NOTE: If you are new to this journal, sort the entries to be listed "Newest Last". This way, you will not see the "ending" before you know the "beginning".

INTRO: I fell in love with her the moment my eyes meet hers. It was to be a relationship that would change my life forever and the way I looked at the rest of it. It has been nearly 2 years since I have last seen her, yet there is not a day that she does not enter my mind, heart and soul. I had sacrificed EVERYTHING to have her, but in the end, it was her fear that won her hand instead.

I nearly thought I would not make this journey to the end, for there where several times that fate wanted me dead, instead. I could spend hours and even days here typing everything that happened, but I have defined myself this, for it is JUST to PAINFULL.

Even though my life has started a new, memories of her are as fresh as the day she said it was over. I understand that she did not want her children to know the truth about us, for she felt it had happened once in her life and she was not going to let it happen again, even if it meant putting her love on hold, forever.

This is my first time in nearly 2 years, which I have even written and even this hard to do.

Today is the day for the truth to set us free. (1/22/03)

Ground Zero: "Music to my ears." 
The Parting: "We need more time for Discovery." 
Part One: "Invalid Item" 
Somewhere in the Middle: "Sorrow and Reflection" 
Part Two: "Invalid Item" 

NOW ..... being written, with EVERYTHING I can remember. EVERYTHING.

"The Illusions of my Reality and the Reality of my Illusions."

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"The Fallen Warrior"

Picture yourself on a roof of a very tall building that is your life.
You are on top of the high peak, and the
wind comes along and blows you off balance.
You see that your falling, but you don't think it is that bad.

You claw for the shingles
and think you are climbing back up.
As you pull yourself up to what you think is the top,
out pops the shingle that you are grabbing onto.
You think,
no problem, I have several more here.
but as you slide further down,
the shingles that you were so desperately expecting to be there are gone.
You have crossed over to a VERY barren spot. Nothing to grab on to.


(Read between the lines, for I can't just say, for to do so would be to give in.)

I am clawing, this bare spot, pretending that all is ok,
that I will slide to a spot with something to grab.
I look over my shoulder and see the edge, the edge of my life.
I can't see what is down there, I can only suspect.
On the way down, I see a small patch.
Can I maneuver myself there?

So here I am clinging on to this small piece of hope.
Waiting for someone to come and repair my roof, so I can get back to the top.
But, I pretend that I am "at the top" to settle my fear,
I know that the edge of the roof, is just ....waiting.
I need someone to throw me a parachute so I can glide to the bottom.
But I must accept, when that last shingle I am holding to for dear life breaks free,
the edge of the roof is the place for me. I do not wish it to be my friend.
Nor did I plan on being here. It just happened that my roof, has worn out.

I am living a dream, that will never have an ending. All I can do is pretend.
I know that all good things come to an end and even this riddle.
But I will never give up.
To the bitter end.
My life is my life and I will be in command.
But I know.
My life.

One thing I have found to be the most valuable of the riches of this land
It is not the money, the fame or the any of that.
It is the love of being alive.
The feeling of someone's love.
Knowing when it is time to step aside.
Know it is unfair to ask
for someone else to give up everything,
not knowing if you will always be there.

It is a strange feeling that I am feeling. Knowing.
Yes this is a riddle.
But I will never tell.
For I am the only one that will know.
Others MUST live their life for theirs is just beginning.
Their love is the most incredible power that moves my mountains.
It is because of that I must push them, to fly on their own. For they must never know.
My greatest gift that I have to share, is the pain I have learned and must give it way.

I am in the eye of my hurricane.
My private storm.
In time it will pass, and the seas will calm.
So, we'll enjoy it.
For tomorrow is yet another day.